This will be a bit of a crossover post. I’ll be talking about both Kemetic and FK stuff together, as they intertwine in this case.
So last week I realized that Asar wanted my attention. And that he really had perhaps been around all these years for *me*. Not for my s.o.- but for me. And suddenly, like a ton of bricks, I wanted to include him in everything. The feeling reminded me of when Set first came around. I found myself contemplating him, what he wanted from me, and seeing his marks throughout my life. I also started saying things like “I don’t know if he’ll be around for a while, or forever” while deep down knowing that I know the answer, and that I’m kidding myself to think otherwise.
Because of his appearance, I’ve been focusing on my other, more ignored half. The yin side. The side that wants to belong, wants to be open, and wants to be who I am without being judged. The side that I really don’t connect with at all. And in many ways, this is a bad time of the year to work on this. This part of the year is always hard on me. Every time this year I am reminded about how I don’t fit in. About how people don’t care as much as they say they do. This time every year, I take a huge blow to my ego and feelings. Compound that with inner workings, and it’s kind of a recipe for disaster. I’m finding that working on Asar’s stuff is a lot harder for me. Set’s stuff was a challenge- but it was easier some how. Easier to say “Yeah, I am a dick some days. Yeah, I have a pitch black hole inside my heart the size of Russia that sometimes consumes me and my thoughts. Yeah, sometimes I let that part of me hurt myself and others.” etc so on and so forth. It was easier for me to look at his rage, his jealousy, and go- yeah, I see that in my too. And to come to terms with it. And while letting go of some of my contempt and anger was more of a challenge, it did happen. And overall, it wasn’t entirely painful.
But this. This takes the cake, and I’m only one week into it. It hurts to do this. And it hurts in so many places- I don’t see how I’m going to come out of this any better. I have lots of holes, scars, and problems. Lots of things that I hide from others. Things that still bleed and hurt to this day. And I really don’t know how I’m going to overcome them, I really don’t. I assume and trust that He knows what He is doing. But at the same time, I wish it just weren’t so damned painful. A quarter of a century of problems that have built up and built up. And while I’ve managed to deal with some of them over the years- there are problems that I question if they will ever go away.
This ties into FK because it’s making FK a real challenge to work on. You’re supposed to build your flame up, be honest with yourself, and make something better out of it. But I’m having a hard time. Working on these walls just makes my self esteem tank. And then I go to look at my FK stuff.. and it tanks too. Everything wants to sink on some levels. And it’s frustrating I know that sometimes you have to go backwards before you move forwards, but damn. It still sucks. This week we are supposed to be figuring out how to let others nurture our flames, or how we can better nurture the flames of others. My problem is allowing others to nurture my flame. And really, I think the walls are the challenge. I put them up. I block you out. I try to resist help, because modesty tells me to do so. I rely on myself because it hurts to rely upon others. And in some cases, I can consciously see that I’m doing that, but it hurts with the walls up- and I’d hate to see the pain with the walls down.
In the end, I’m just going to trust the process. This has been moving forward like it did with Set. I know it’s going on, but it’s not going on in direct conversation with me and the god/s. Things come up in my life, and I work with them in ways that helps me to balance out my internal issues. And I really won’t be able to see my progress until after it’s done, I’m sure. I’m okay with that. I’m okay with going that direction. I have enough trust for that.
Doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt, though.