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A Child of Chaos

23 Aug

Most people know me as being a child of chaos- a follower of Set. And even if you don’t know who I worship, or that I even have a religion, if enough time is spent around me- you’ll describe me with the same words and phrases that most of my fellow Kemetics do. Despite my attempts to change people’s perceptions of me, it seems that the same traits always come forward. I’m hard, mean, no nonsense. I am cynical, snarky, and sarcastic. And you can’t forget that many people think I’m a dude (and if they know me in person, I’m treated as a male, not a female).

Even recently, in a discussion with a friend of mine, thoughts about the Kemetic community came up. Kemeticism doesn’t really have a large community. There isn’t a whole lot of selection (it’s pretty much KO or nothing), and many of the different temples seem to hate one another. Basically, our community sucks, and is pretty non-existent. To my friend, it almost seemed odd that a follower of Set would want to be in a community. Let alone run one. I mean, Set is the outsider, the foreigner. He’d rather stick to himself than deal with people right?

I can’t help but wonder- Why?

Why is it that following Set means that I don’t want to fit in? Why is it that because Set is cast out to the deserts that he doesn’t want friends? And why is it, that despite my attempts to show that I’m not a complete ass, that I have softer sides, people only seem to see that one aspect of me?

Why?

I am more than just the ass you see. I do have a need to belong. A need and desire to be a part of the group, and to not question my role or position in that group. To feel that people genuinely want me around. And to be able to be myself in that group. I would also like for people to see that I have other aspects. That I am more than just “that Set follower”. Oh yeah, and I can hurt just like everyone else too. I’m more than just stone. And for the life of me, I can’t understand why it is that the other parts of me get ignored.

When explaining this to my friend, I related to Asar. There is a part of me that is like him. Kind. Quiet. Fertile. Soft. Yet for whatever reason, no one ever sees that. I joke, a have fun, and I try to show people that I can be light hearted, I can be happy and nice. Yet, no one ever sees it.

I have always had a fancy for Asar. And really, he has been around me since this whole thing started. I figured he hung around because of my s.o.- who also happens to have a thing for Asar. However, I’m beginning to wonder if Asar hangs around not because of my s.o.- but because he wants something to do with me. Set told me to make the two halves whole. If Set is the side that everyone sees, could Asar be the side that no one sees? Could acknowledging him help me to equal out the halves? If he is the other half, the way he approaches me could easily be the same as the way my other half is. It’s very intangible, and hard to grasp. It’s there, but it’s not. It’s a feeling that you can’t describe. And in many ways, Asar is the same. He influences me in ways that I barely notice. A little touch here, a little nudge there. Words aren’t needed, but if you’re paying attention you can see that it’s him.

The other piece in this puzzle is Shinto. Set sent me to look into it, to help with the halves. I think part of this is in the Japanese culture. I shared my thoughts on this with my s.o. last night, and he seemed to think it could be a factor.

When I go to Little Tokyo, or I sit in a Japanese restaurant (that is run by Japanese people), or I go to the local Japanese market- I change. Entirely. I didn’t think I changed that much, but after listening to my s.o. last night, apparently it is like night and day. For those of you who don’t know, Japanese culture is very different from us in America. The mannerisms, the way you talk, the way you look at people, hold your hands, hold items- it’s all different. And when you stick me around a bunch of Japanese I try to follow these rules. I thought the change was there, but according to my s.o. the change is like a slap to the face. You just can’t miss it. I told him last night that it’s a case of “When in Rome, do as the Romans”. He said that it was more “Don’t do as the Romans, I AM a Roman”. I guess I almost become one of them in my actions.

I think these little interactions are important. That these little moments are the times when my other half gets to shine through. I love interacting with the Japanese culture (here in Phx, and in LA). I will seek out festivals and locations where I tap into this feeling, into that half of myself. Where I can let this yin side through. And because Shinto is so intertwined with the culture of Japan, perhaps that is how Shinto plays a role in making me whole.

But then there is this whole Asar thing that I need to figure out. And still binding everything back together is important. I feel I’m onto something, but I’m not positive what to do with it. All I know is that while I love working with Set, and I love being a hard ass in his name, I do get tired of constantly fighting these labels people put on me. I’m tired of always being considered hard, and unbreakable. I’m tired of only one side of my nature being acknowledged.

And I wonder if Set feels the same way some days.

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5 Comments

Posted by on August 23, 2011 in Kemeticism, Rambles, Shintoism

 

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5 responses to “A Child of Chaos

  1. Taqaisenu

    August 23, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    As another Child of Set, I must say that I feel near the exact same way! I, too, get so tired of the labels assigned to me because I call Set my Father. I am expected to behave like this, it is anticipated I will react like that, and when I deviate from expectations it must obviously be because of my Mother’s influence (Hethert). I want to explain, “no! You’ve got it all wrong, you’ve got HIM all wrong!” (on top of that, they have HER all wrong, but that is a subject for another day) but I stop myself because so much of it is UPG and personal mysteries that I couldn’t possibly explain in a way that would be understood. So I leave it be most times. It’s exhausting, trying to fight all those battles.

    I highly recommend examining the relationship and connections between Set and Asar, and of Their consorts and Their relationships and connections. Not only just the myths, but what They represent and how They do it. What all They have in common. If you are a Discordian, think of it as an exercise along the lines of Starbuck’s Pebbles. It is intense, and breaks my brain wide open every time.

     
    • von186

      August 23, 2011 at 12:46 pm

      That’s very comforting to hear. Words can’t really express it.

      It’s interesting that you bring up the consorts and all that. I’m currently reading up on Abydos- I just got a big book on the place. And I’m hoping to glean extra information about Asar from it. In the past, I have had a large interest in Aset- and she took a large interest in me. However, she backed off when I started to get overwhelmed with both her and Set being around. Every time I Work with Aset, I get tinges of Hathor. When I dance, I dance for Set- but some days, it seems like Hathor should be a part of that too. It’s odd, and it’s a connection that I need to explore some time in the future.

      I’ve heard of Discordian…ism? But I know virtually nothing about it. Is there a reliable source of information on the internet that I could check out? Just to see what it’s all about. I’m hoping that I can learn more about Asar, and through that, I’ll find other pathways that will lead me to more information that’s relevant. One way or another, I should get to where I need to be lol.

      Thanks for the input πŸ™‚ If you have more, please share πŸ˜›

       
      • Taqaisenu

        August 23, 2011 at 1:11 pm

        Oh I could share forever! πŸ˜€ They are all connected. Every time I look at a god from a different angle, it brings about even more understanding and realizations about Them. It’s like that silly parable about the blindfolded wise men feeling up the elephant from its different parts. Look at the god from this angle, and you’ll see one thing. Look at the same god from a different angle, and you may see something completely different. But same god! It is awesome and it makes me feel so very very tiny.

        Discordianism is awesome, as a Child of Chaos I think you might like it. πŸ˜‰ You’re already a Pope, by the way, so you may as well come to terms with it and convert fully. πŸ˜‰ I used to do a 2 hour class in Discordianism for my local pagan community, but this was years ago and now all of my old links are dead. I suggest starting by reading the Wikipedia entry on it, and then the Principia Discordia (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/), or vice versa, however you feel. πŸ˜‰ Discordianism gave me a lot of really great terms to describe things that are otherwise indescribable. Fnord.

         
      • von186

        August 23, 2011 at 1:29 pm

        In truth, everything is connected. I think it’s something people forget.

        I’m part way through the wiki page.. and my brain is so confused lol. I’ll look through the other website too. Hopefully things will start to make a bit more sense there πŸ˜›

        Terms are good. I love having terms. If nothing else, each thing I get sent to look into gives me more terms, words, and tools to explore what I already knew or felt. While that doesn’t seem like much at first, I’m beginning to learn that having terms like that can be very useful for moving deeper into a complex topic.

         

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