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The Joy of Eating.

Last night was interesting for me.

I went to bed early, as I have been instructed to do (as per this post). I had created a list of things I needed to do this weekend before I laid down in an effort to stay my mind from drilling me over all of the stuff I “should” be doing (or just flat out reminding me of what I need to do in the coming days despite the fact that I have told my brain time and time again that I’ve got it covered). I laid there for a bit, and as my mind traveled, it wandered to one of the worst topics it could find for sleeping – money and food.

It is easy to see how my brain got there. It was telling me about how I needed to call the power company before our move-in date. Then it told me how sad it was that I hadn’t had the chance to work on the laundry list my second job has given me so that I would have cushion to pay my move-in fees. And then it had to throw in “and you’ve eaten out so much, it’s not like you’ve saved any money there either”.

And in a single moment, a dam had broken in my mind. Suddenly, there was the roar of hundreds or thousands of mes chasing down this topic. It was deafening in my mind listening to all of this rabble about what I eat, how I should eat, how I’m killing our bank account, how I should be better, how I should stop, how I could stop… on and on and on and on.

Eventually, I got so frustrated with the roar, I decided to get up. I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I had let my Other know what was up, and he dropped what he was doing to sit with me. I don’t know what had snapped in my mind, but as he prepped a pot of tea for me to drink, I sat on the floor and let tears fall. I don’t really know where they were coming from, but they came and I didn’t have any real reason to stop them. In retrospect it really feels like something ‘broke’. Almost like I hit a level, or reached the next level, or uncovered something in my brain… something, and now all hell has broken loose. It’s like I’ve fixed the first layer of issues, and now my brain has decided it wants to go deeper. And ironically in a matter of a few hours, my body went from feeling great to feeling like it used to- in pain and not cooperating with me. Ironic how the mind can effect our health.

I’ve run my brain over this a million times, and I want to post it here – partially to get my thoughts in order, and partially to see if anyone has any effing clue as to what I could be doing about this.

As most of you probably know, I have problems with food. I use it to medicate, to fill holes. I have discussed it off and on with my therapist, but I have yet to really figure out the trick to eating in, or eating better. I can tell myself until I’m blue in the face that I need to this or that, but in the end, I have yet to ‘will’ myself into doing what I seemingly feel I should be doing (and my therapy seems to imply that the key to dealing with this issue is to face my pain, to deal with my pain. Too bad I’m not sure what that pain is, or how to deal with it). So based off of last night, here is what I sorta have figured out. This might include stronger language, words that my therapist would probably tell me not to say or think about myself. But honestly, I think something gets lost when I filter out the real strength of the emotions I feel regarding this. So I’m leaving those words in. Here goes.

What I have figured out –

I have figured out that my eating is strongly related to stress. When I get stressed, I suddenly want to eat out more. Lots more. I’ve figured out that, in relation to last week’s session about expectations about myself (and what I feel I should be doing or need to be doing at any given moment) that I have a LOT of expectations about what I feel I should be eating. And when I do eat out, I really down on myself for doing so. I’ve had to learn to not spew this out, because it makes my SO feel like crap as well. He feels cock blocked because if he makes me eat in, and eat things I don’t want to eat, I’m a bear to him. And if he lets me eat out, I turn the whole event into some shit fest about how “we really need to get this under control”. It’s pretty much lose lose for both of us. And while I’m curbing how much of it he sees, I’m still thinking it to myself.

This brought me to an interesting idea this past week as we were on our way to go eat out. Something I’ve been learning in therapy is that everything (generally speaking) is a choice. No one forces food in my mouth. I choose to eat out. And despite all of my talk about owning up to decisions (such as in the Cliff post), I am horrible at owning up to the fact that I eat out. Sure, I’ll tell you about how we do it all the time, but I will rarely take responsibility while I’m in the act of doing it. This has to stop. As I read what little I could find about eating in more, I found an interesting article (here) about how the first step is to give yourself permission to eat. And really, I don’t. I completely down on myself for eating out. One could go so far to say I hate myself when I eat out.

And I eat out pretty damned often. So put those two together.

So I know there is a lot of ground in purely knowing these few things. I know my mentality towards food has to change. Food is necessary, and once upon a time I loved to eat. However, that has shifted to thinking that food is a chore, and I can say that most of the stuff I eat isn’t very yummy to me. My range of foods that I like (and can eat) has dropped significantly in recent years, and it is stunting my ability to find foods that I can make at home or even buy at restaurants. It’s really frustrating. I know that deep down I could probably force myself to eat things I don’t like, but realistically it’s not effective. I’ve done the whole ‘make a menu for the week’ thing, and if I get home and don’t like what I’ve slated for that day, I decide I don’t want that, and I eat out. And anymore, I can’t find 7 meals to string together for dinners… and that’s an issue too.

I mean, I’ve got a whole shelf of recipe books and I can honestly flip through them and say that nothing sounds very appealing. Am I just being a spoiled 5 year old who needs to be forced to eat things? Or is it something deeper? Of course, most of the cuisine that I was raised on either sends me into a comatose state after eating (meat and potatoes) or sends my stomach reeling due to an obscene amount of grease. Or both. And I have yet to find any niche or genre of foods that doesn’t contain things that set my stomach off or are actually tasty. There are a lot of healthy foods that I do like, but I have yet to find good ways to prepare them so that I will enjoy them.

I’ve looked into other alternatives for eating in as well. I’ve looked into having meals delivered to my home. I’ve looked into cooking meals in other locations, and bringing them home. However, most of the meals rely heavily on foods I shouldn’t be eating (such as tomatoes), that I don’t want to eat (meat) or are more expensive than what I’m already spending per week – despite the eating out. We’ve looked into pre-cooking meals and freezing them (to no avail, and lack of space to boot). We’ve tried to make simpler meals. More complicated meals. We’ve tried buying more food, less food. We even went so far to try and buy junk food for me to eat in the house (so that I wouldn’t go out and buy junk fast food to eat). Turns out the junk food that’s in the house tastes worse and makes me ill. Go figure.

I even began to blog about things I’m cooking at home to try and bring myself to want to cook more. While I’m more able to maintain a level head when I’m hungry and I’m enjoying the learning of cooking (slow as it may be), I’m still having problems with finding things I want to eat. Even now, I know I need to find recipes for next week, and currently I have no idea what I will be cooking. Nothing sounds good.

To say I’m at my wits end doesn’t really cover it. And what is most ironic about this, I know that my stressing about the situation only makes the situation that much worse. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, and many days I wonder if the key to eating in general is to not care where I get the food from, but to just enjoy eating again.

Too bad I have no idea how to turn my brain off so that I can do that.

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Overwhelm

I don’t know if you know this about me, but I am tired. All the time. I wake up tired, I go to bed tired. I spend most of my day tired. It’s pretty much a way of life for me. And due to all of this tiredness, I spend a lot of my time in a daze. I find it hard to follow conversations. It’s hard to read. Hard to think. It’s a wonder I get anything done because I’m always so damned tired.

We discussed this a bit in therapy last week. More precisely, we discussed how I feel overwhelmed. Like I have too much to do, and too little time to do it in. How I feel like I’m always running, and I stop briefly to sleep, only to wake up running again. This isn’t a new problem for me. It’s something that has been going on since high school, or maybe even earlier. This constant motion. This constant feeling of exhaustion.

For many years, I thought that my exhaustion was laziness. In fact, not too long ago I told my SO that deep down I was lazy. Yes, there are things I want to do, but I really am lazy deep down, because I don’t want to do them. I force myself to do things, but I’d rather do nothing at all.

Because I’m so lazy.

And for a couple of weeks, it became a joke. I’m so lazy, ha ha ha. I don’t want to do this, I really don’t have the motivation to do that, either. I’m so lazy. But then one day, I heard a response from who knows where. Whoever or whatever it was told me “You are not lazy. You are exhausted.” I then got the distinct feeling that I was not to refer to myself as lazy again, for fear that some lightning bolt would come down from the sky and kill me on the spot.

After my discussion with my therapist this past weekend, I am believing more and more that I am not lazy. I am exhausted. And now I need to fix that.

The conversation started with me talking about how I’m overwhelmed. I spend my mornings rushing to get ready so I can rush to get into traffic. I then rush from my car to my office so that I can hurry up and get on with my daily tasks. Once the day is over, I hurry up and rush over to pick people up and rush home to try and get everything else I want to do in. Dinner. Chores. Hobbies. Other crap I need to do. And then I have to hurry up and go to bed so that I can do it all over again the next day.

She looked at me and more or less said that I have bad time management. I want to fit all of my 10 hobbies into an evening, every evening, and that doesn’t work. That I want to do 5 things at once, and I can’t (or shouldn’t). But the real crux of everything is that I feel like I have to do these things. Really, on any given day, I have a few tasks I need to get done at night. They involve eating (she wouldn’t let me skip this), cleaning up, showering, and sleeping. Surely I can get that done in my 4-5 hour window after work, right?

Well of course I could. But then I’d rag and nag on myself about how I didn’t get this done. I didn’t do that. Oh I forgot I need to get this thing done, too. I have such a long laundry list of things do to, I’m mentally killing myself because I’m not doing it all all the time. It’s like I can’t stand myself if I’m not being productive 24/7. My expectations of myself are too high.

The more I thought about that, the more I see it in some of my family members. My grandmother never let me laze around in the middle of summer. Oh sure, I’d try. But she’d nag on me until I got up and did something. She’d make watching tv miserable. And god forbid you watch something ‘stupid’ like cartoons. Perhaps that’s where the trend started. Perhaps it’s engrained into our very society to always be moving forward. It’s like a badge of honor to work 80 hours a week in the US. It’s almost a crime if we’re not constantly trying to move up the ladder – or cutting ourselves off at the knees.

My homework this time around was to get another journal (heh) and monitor my thoughts – specifically starting after I get off work. Notice how many times my brain says “you need to do this, you need to do that”. To notice my laundry list and how it grows. When I get home, I should make a list of what I HAVE to do (sleep, eat, etc) and what I WANT to do (read, sew, blog, surf, save the world). Then, I am to monitor my energy levels (from 1 – 5) and see if I have the energy to do anything, or if I should do the bare bones and go to bed. From there, I need to write down what I have actually done. In the end, this is supposed to help me do less, to monitor my time better, and to really keep track of where I am at.

So far, it seems to be helping. I’m not sure if it’s the journal that’s helping, or the fact that my therapist is more or less holding me accountable. In the past two days since therapy, I have done significantly less in the evenings, and I’ve managed to go to bed before 9 both nights. She told me that if she had to make me do nothing in order to help me balance out my evenings and my energy, then so be it. So far, I feel like I’ve not accomplished much, and I’m noticing how quickly time disappears with just one task. It’s no wonder I felt like I was rushing. However, I know that this issue with take a while to right itself. This isn’t something that will change in a week.

This week’s hypnosis wasn’t much. You were to start at the top of a 10 story building. This building was the “building of relaxation”. You then hopped in an elevator and rode down into the basement. When the doors opened, you were to walk down this hall as things were read off to you. The hall was pretty dimly lit. There was a row of lights in the center of the ceiling, but nothing more. Part way through, it became a challenge to focus on the hallway anymore.

We did another blessing. The vision wasn’t as potent this time. My therapist believes that it’s a vision of a past life where one parent was mentally absent (aka paid no attn to me) and the other was attentive while home, but spent a lot of time away from home at work. That the place is full of sadness and I spent most of my time on the porch watching for my father to come home. She feels that the emotions that are present in that vision (and were present in that lifetime) are tied to my want to constantly be moving. That on a subconscious level, I feel those emotions, and when I do nothing, they start to poke through. Therefore, to drown that out, I do stuff.

On some levels that makes sense. I guess I’ll have to see how things change with that vision as I continue to progress.

Stepping back has been challenging for me already. However, I look forward to the ability to have more energy and to feel like I’m actually awake in my daily life, instead of always being in a haze.

 
 

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The Gratitude of Uniqueness

I had another therapy session this past weekend. This time we discussed who I am, who I am not, and my attitude towards both of these. I have issues with who I am a lot of days. My therapist worded it as a sickness. That I seem to consider my traits to be some illness that I need to medicate or chase away (to which she said that my traits are not the problem, but my attitude towards my traits is). And sometimes this is very true. I always consider myself as the square peg in the round hole. The oddball. The monkey wrench in everyone’s plans. I often tell people that I was born ‘in the wrong place, in the wrong time’. I feel like almost everything about myself is just a bit weird or out of synch, and that those aspects of myself make it hard for me to get along with anyone, to fit in with society, coworkers, friends… you name it.

And of course, my rough and tumble reputation on the forums and other stereotypes and ideas about “who I am” that follow me like lost puppies throughout the years doesn’t help this idea. It’s really a mess when you get down to it.

To complicate this matter even further, I have an ego the size of a house. I love myself. I am god’s gift to man some days. I am the awesomest person you ever met. And if you don’t recognize it, well god cries for you. Seriously. And it really depends on the day and the group of people I’m around as to whether I hate myself, or love myself. As always, the two extremes.

Much like S and O, really.

Well apparently this business isn’t good for me.  This I love me I hate me… I can’t make up my mind… type thing doesn’t do me a lot of good. And it would seem that despite my egotistical nature from time to time, at my core, I really don’t like myself. I have a lot of issues with who I am and where I stand within my society. So this is what we are going to be working on next. This week’s phrase is:

I embrace and honor my uniqueness. I am grateful for who I am.

Which hurts to say. I can’t really say it. I feel fake when I say it. Like I’m lieing. Probably because I don’t see myself that way yet. Yes, I’m grateful for many of the things I can do, many of the things I have. But there is always this niggling “but” that follows. I am grateful for X, but I would prefer Y. That sort of thing. That is the root of my problem. I compare. A lot. I compare what I have, what you have, what she has, what they have, and what I think I should have. And if you aren’t the sort of person who does this, you are very lucky. Because when you compare yourself to others, you’re setting yourself up for failure. There will always be someone with something more. With more money, more women, more smarts, more looks. Much like with the RPG reference before, you can’t level up in everything. You can’t be a master mage, warrior and thief all at once. You will always have your limits. Things that you are predisposed to being able to do well. And other things that you will just never ever do well.

And that’s okay, honestly. Unless you’re me, it would seem.

And so I’m always looking at the other dog’s bone. Looking at how small mine is, and it always leaves me unsatisfied. If you are always comparing, you will always have a hole to fill. A gap that needs tending to. There will always be something. That something is s big problem for me. It’s keeping me from really seeing the bigger picture.

The second phrase that came up for this week is:

I deal with my pain and I stop giving in to my life depleting habits.

I have some horrible habits that allow me to deal with stress. I eat out, a lot. It relaxes (and stresses) me. When I get stressed, I crave fatty foods. Fries. Chicken nuggets. Chocolate. Coffee. Tea. Things that are bad for me (in excess). I know I need to stop this. I know I need to deal with everything under the surface. So I imagine this will all play together over the next few sessions. Ultimately working towards a goal of me being balanced, happy and not killing myself slowly with McDonalds.

This week’s hypnosis was called… gender balancing, or something to that accord. She had me go into a blank space and view two vortexes of energy. One masculine. One feminine. I was to view them how they are now. For me, I put the masculine on the right, and the feminine on the left. Masculine energy was red, Fem was blue. The Masculine energy was large. A huge tornado that tried to consume me multiple times. It had lightning styled bolts that would come out of it. It was a huge storm, really. The feminine energy was more like a water tornado. It was compact, well formed and smaller than the Masculine side. It did not try to take me over.

Then, I was to visualize how these energies should be. So I made the Feminine bigger, the Masculine smaller. I made the Masculine more compact and well formed. Eradicating the lightning and all of that. Making them almost mirror images of each other. After that, I was to merge them. So I did and they became this huge tornado of varying blues and reds. The form of the tornado became more wobbly. It wasn’t that it was unstable, but it was no longer a straight line, it curved.

And finally, I was to mesh with the vortex. In the hypnosis, it was stated to have the vortex start at your crown and work it’s way down, but I decided to just walk straight into the tornado, and combine my stuff that way.

The experience was interesting. The visualizations were very clear for me. I have been told that we will probably be doing this one multiple times. That it will take time to balance out my two halves, to even out my inner turmoil, which I expected. Afterwards, we did another blessing. And again, I ended up on the same porch with the same furin and the same windy grass. The only difference was that I saw a figure on the horizon this time. I’m not sure who or what he was. But he was there.

I didn’t get much homework this time. I am to continue my studies on gratitude. To try and really understand it better. And more than mentally understanding it, I need to feel it. Because it’s not something you can really think through it’s something you experience. And quite frankly, I don’t experience it enough. I’m kind of at a dead end with where to go on this front, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something. Talk to more people, read more articles. Eventually, the pieces will come together.

 
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Posted by on February 22, 2012 in Astral, Crack, Hypnosis & Inner Work

 

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Creating with Words

I had another therapy session this past weekend. I feel like things are finally coming into place.

We discussed the source of my anger in this session, along with how my anger influences my speech, which in turn will influence my life. I talked to her about when my anger really started and in some ways how I have yet to completely come to terms with it (though it has gotten better). The lay offs of my past, the money that was lost, the foundations that slipped and the eventual move in to my parents all laid the ground work for my situation now. Of course, what really was the problem was my attitude towards things. As I told her about the trials of this era in my life, she noted that I used a lot of negative words. Words like hate, frustrating, irritating, crap, etc. She told me that these words, and my constant use of these words, creates a never ending problem for me.

She explained it to me that the universe gives us what we think about most. It doesn’t know whether we love or hate these things. It merely gives us more of what we focus on. I consider this to be like poles on a magnet. I don’t know which pole is which, I just know that the magnets attract together. So every time I use words like hate, dislike, frustrating- I bring more hatred, more dislike and more frustration into my life. Of course, I don’t have to verbally say these words to enact that- merely thinking this way causes the attraction. And thus the cycle repeats.

My phrase for this week is:

I am careful with my choice in words because it creates my reality.

This whole concept should really be a no brainer for me. Kemeticism and Shintoism both promote words and the pronunciation of words as being divine. Words are not to be taken lightly, and the words that we use can manifest into our lives (aka heka). So why I haven’t tried to nip this in the bud earlier is beyond me. When I was telling her about how Kemeticism and Shinto both state that words are divine and magical, she looked me in the eye and told me that words have souls. Recently, I remember seeing a question for Tamara on HoN, asking if words or glyphs had netjeri in them. I believe her answer was more or less a ‘yes’. So once again, more reasons to watch my words. Plus, the things that we say on the internet are ever more important- because this is all people have to judge us on. You can’t see me, read my face or my body language. All you have are my words. And my words need to be clear if you are to understand what I’m trying to get across. Words are more important than we give them credit for.

In order to fix this, she asked me to do two things:

  1. Any time that I have a negative feeling or thought about anyone or anything, I am to write it down into a journal.
  2. I am to write 10 things every day that I am grateful for.

In order to help repattern my brain, I need to look at all of the negativity I bring to myself daily. I need to examine it and see why I’m thinking this way, and then learn to accept the things I can’t change, or work towards solutions to things that I can. The 10 items of gratefulness are to help bring more positive into my life.

I am also to start looking into how gratefulness plays into Shinto and Kemetic practice. I will evaluate it and see how I can apply it to my life. Much like how I did with unconditional love.

The hypnosis for this week involved looking into my past lives to help figure out why I’m here. She told me that some part of me can’t understand why I’m here. That things are different, or aren’t quite the same as in the past, and I’m having difficulties grasping what it is I am here to do, etc. In the meditation, she had me go into a hall of records. Mine was a round room. Almost like a tall dome. Around the outer walls were tons of files. There were files up to the ceiling. In the center of the room, there was a big round pillar. There is also a circular countertop or table top that runs through the pillar. This table had even more files and books on it. The hypnosis had me go and gather files that I might need. I ran around and grabbed a whole bunch of them from various areas. I then held these to my chest, and a light came forth. I more or less stood there in the light until my brain told me to get up and return to being awake.

I seem to like to spew light from my chest.

I guess these things are supposed to help calm me down on a subconscious level. To help me figure out the missing pieces. I have no clue if it’s done much for me yet. I think she wants me to go back in there to dig for a specific book, though I don’t know that doing so does much. She told me the book that comes to mind for her. I can picture it, but I can’t really open it, or read it’s contents. The room I visited in the hypnosis I have seen and visited before.

So that was my session. I went and bought two books to write my stuff down in. A larger grey book for my anger, and a small little yellow book for my gratefulness. The anger book I may eventually destroy once it is full thereby releasing the anger. Almost like an execration rite. The yellow book I’ll keep, more than likely.

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2012 in Astral, Crack, Hypnosis & Inner Work

 

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The Case for Love

Not long ago I was asked to learn more about unconditional love in Kemeticism. I figured I’d look through a few Maxims and Wisdom Texts, read a few myths and write a basic paper on what I had found. That if I was lucky, some other Kemetics would read it and go “wow, maybe I should be less of a dick”. That is what I expected. However, reading into unconditional love has changed my world view more than I expected.

When I first started out on this journey, I thought that unconditional love was all about being a doormat. Putting everyone before yourself. Giving into the whims of everyone, despite what it meant for you. Being a “yes man”. This, of course, concerned me. How on earth could anyone or any religion possibly support being a doormat? I began to ask around for ideas and sources from other Kemetics. Looks like they had the same ideas about what unconditional love was and also questioned whether unconditional love existed within Kemeticism. I had my work cut out for me.

However, once I started to actually read about unconditional love, I learned that what most of us consider to be unconditional love is incorrect. It’s less about doing what others want and more about doing what others need. It’s a slight difference in wording, but it’s an important difference. When you enter into a situation, unconditional love asks you to consider all sides. What you need, what the other people in the situation need- and to take the best course of action for the situation. This usually means being even in your judgement. Being fair. And above all, not being a dick. Sometimes the best course of action is politely stepping out of the situation. Sometimes it’s nicely telling the person that they aren’t good for you (costing too many spoons?) and parting ways. Other times it’s putting your own thoughts aside and letting the person learn the hard way (or agreeing to disagree). And even still, sometimes it’s more about putting your foot down and preventing the person from causing more harm. It really is case specific.

If I had to sum it up, it’s all about respect. Respecting yourself and everyone else (and that means everyone on the planet, even that person you can’t stand) – and letting that respect dictate your actions. As I have read in multiple articles, unconditional love isn’t a feeling, it’s an action. You actively choose how to act (or react), and in this case your actions should stem from love, compassion and respect.

In many ways, it’s Ma’at (and the root of FlameKeeping, and probably Shinto, too).

The more I read on the topic, the more I became enamored with it. Something within me said ‘this is important. You need to figure out how to work on this, to be more like this.’ All while the other part of me was screaming ‘BUT I LIKE BEING A JERK! I LIKE MY WILD EMOTIONS!’ And in truth, both are correct. I like that I am okay with my emotions- as much as they might screw me over sometimes. But that is also part of the problem- my emotions cripple me on a regular basis. And the more I read, the more I began to feel that both are the answer. I need to work on using both. Knowing when to let my emotions run loose and when to be more reserved and do what is best for the situation (which ironically, knowing when to let my emotions go falls under this as well).

Once again, this seems to circle back to making my halves whole.

In regards to whether Kemeticism has unconditional love in it, I think the answer is yes. They may not have had a word or phrase for it, and they may not have written about it extensively, but I think it’s there. There are many portions of the Maxims of PtahHotep that relate to being nice. To holding your tongue regardless of the situation (that it would bring you favor and keep you in high regard). That having good friends and family was worth their weight in gold. I think Lichtheim summed it up best:

Taken together, the thirty-seven maxims do not amount to a comprehensive moral code, nor are they strung together in any logical order. But they touch upon the most important aspects of human relations and they focus on the basic virtues. The cardinal virtues are self-control, moderation, kindness, generosity, justice and truthfulness tempered by discretion. These virtues are to be practiced alike toward all people. … The ideal man is a man of peace.

Beyond that, you can look at other mythological stories and see unconditional love. In The Destruction of Mankind Ra regrets his decision to wipe us out. He decides to show us compassion and love by tricking his daughter into getting drunk. In The Contendings, Heru and Set are able to come to amends. They let go of the past and are able to work together. Letting go of hate and turning that into love. In both of these stories, those who were angry eventually got over that anger and forgave the person or people that upset them. I think that this shows unconditional love. While it might not be something that is done OMGRIGHTNOW, it is what everyone eventually works towards. And in so doing, perhaps is what we should all be working towards.

Overall, the concept of unconditional love might not be obvious at first. However, I definitely think that the theme is there. It’s not a huge overarching theme that smacks us in the face, but if you really start to look at the stories, the wisdom literature and ma’at itself, you can see hints of it. Perhaps the gods didn’t feel they needed to hit us upside the head with it, maybe they wanted us to learn how to respect one another on our own. Or maybe they just don’t care 😉  And at the end of it all, perhaps the Kemetic community as a whole could benefit from more unconditional love. Our community has a lot of hostility in it. There is a lot of finger wagging and pointless anger, hate and bickering that really isn’t productive. Could you imagine what it might be like if more people respected each others views? If you could hold a civil conversation with someone about a branch of, or topic in, Kemeticism and not have it turn into a mud slinging contest? Imagine the things we might learn and discover about our own modern form Kemeticism. Things that are currently hidden beneath layers and layers of “I’m better than you” or “you’re doing it wrong”. I know that I’m guilty of everything I’ve just listed and after embarking on this journey as it were, I am tired of being that person. I’m tired of wagging my fingers, filling up with hate and screaming on and on about how people are ‘doing it wrong’. While I might not be Buddha, I can definitely work towards becoming more tolerant, more respectful. A being of peace. A being of unconditional love.

What do all of you think? Do you think that unconditional love existed in ancient Egypt? Do you think that it is something that is lacking in today’s Kemetic practice?

 
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Posted by on January 30, 2012 in Kemeticism

 

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Proactively Irritating

I went to another session of therapy this past weekend. This time we focused on me letting go. Of lots of things. Things that bother me, things that I can’t control, things that I want to control… I guess a lot more bothers me than I give credit for. The moral of the session was:

I will be proactive in finding solutions to things that irritate me.

Or something to that effect. We talked about some of the small stuff that bugs me on a daily basis. Such as getting to bed late, getting up later, not eating in, not leaving on time… small stuff that slowly grinds on me – sometimes on a subconscious level. I was asked to talk with my other about how we could fix some of these issues and to come up with a game plan. I have done so and here is the general gist of what we’re going to do.

  • We need to get up within the first 2 alarms. No more of this snooze game stuff. Get up.
  • Be more active in packing our lunches the day before so that we aren’t wasting time in the morning.
  • Ditto for dishes- get them done the night before.
  • Think of smaller, easier things to eat for breakfast to free up time.
  • I need to work on cooking so that I can help with making food in the mornings and the evenings.
  • Get off the internet sooner in the evenings so that we get to bed sooner.
  • Stick to it.

None of this stuff is incredibly new, but she is holding me to my shit- which really makes me want to stick to it. I guess you could say she’s holding me accountable. Which I need. She also called me out on my shit in regards to cooking. Telling me that I need to do it. Which I knew. I know why I don’t cook, and it’s stupid, but I’ve been allowed to get away with it for so long, so I went with it anyways as dishonorable as that is. And really, it boils down to fear. I was scared to cook and get made fun of, or to have people hate it. It’s a weird fear that developed in my youth with my family and is now going to be broken, because it has to be broken. I figure if I can bake complex loaves of bread, I can make regular food. I just need to get over this stupid fear of mine. So that shall be interesting.

The hypnosis was something like the world bridge or dream bridge… it had a name. In it, I floated up over the Earth and visualized an identical planet next to it, a planet that was perfect. For me, the mirror planet looked like some weird iridescent ball that you could see through. I had to see a bridge connecting the two (some weird white arced light) and walk from one to the other. In that world, I was to walk down the street and see my house (heavy Japanese influence). I walked inside of my perfect house (also Japanese influenced) and sat around in it, feeling comfortable. I then had to go into a room that was my ‘purpose’. The room had white walls (makes me think of shoji screen, perhaps) and tatami floors (whole house did). In it, there were two shrines, one on each wall. I couldn’t really define anything, but I know what it was supposed to be. I think there was a desk in there, too. This is apparently my purpose. Before I could really think about it, I was pulled out of that world and put back in this one. I imagine the point is to try and bring the perfect world and this world into one over time.

We then did another blessing. Once again, as soon as she went into song, I found myself on that porch, furin ringing and the grass blowing. Slowly, my mind shifted to sitting in front of a campfire in the middle of the night. I really wish I knew what was up with that porch.

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2012 in Astral, Crack, Hypnosis & Inner Work

 

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