I had another therapy session this past weekend. This time we discussed who I am, who I am not, and my attitude towards both of these. I have issues with who I am a lot of days. My therapist worded it as a sickness. That I seem to consider my traits to be some illness that I need to medicate or chase away (to which she said that my traits are not the problem, but my attitude towards my traits is). And sometimes this is very true. I always consider myself as the square peg in the round hole. The oddball. The monkey wrench in everyone’s plans. I often tell people that I was born ‘in the wrong place, in the wrong time’. I feel like almost everything about myself is just a bit weird or out of synch, and that those aspects of myself make it hard for me to get along with anyone, to fit in with society, coworkers, friends… you name it.
And of course, my rough and tumble reputation on the forums and other stereotypes and ideas about “who I am” that follow me like lost puppies throughout the years doesn’t help this idea. It’s really a mess when you get down to it.
To complicate this matter even further, I have an ego the size of a house. I love myself. I am god’s gift to man some days. I am the awesomest person you ever met. And if you don’t recognize it, well god cries for you. Seriously. And it really depends on the day and the group of people I’m around as to whether I hate myself, or love myself. As always, the two extremes.
Much like S and O, really.
Well apparently this business isn’t good for me. This I love me I hate me… I can’t make up my mind… type thing doesn’t do me a lot of good. And it would seem that despite my egotistical nature from time to time, at my core, I really don’t like myself. I have a lot of issues with who I am and where I stand within my society. So this is what we are going to be working on next. This week’s phrase is:
I embrace and honor my uniqueness. I am grateful for who I am.
Which hurts to say. I can’t really say it. I feel fake when I say it. Like I’m lieing. Probably because I don’t see myself that way yet. Yes, I’m grateful for many of the things I can do, many of the things I have. But there is always this niggling “but” that follows. I am grateful for X, but I would prefer Y. That sort of thing. That is the root of my problem. I compare. A lot. I compare what I have, what you have, what she has, what they have, and what I think I should have. And if you aren’t the sort of person who does this, you are very lucky. Because when you compare yourself to others, you’re setting yourself up for failure. There will always be someone with something more. With more money, more women, more smarts, more looks. Much like with the RPG reference before, you can’t level up in everything. You can’t be a master mage, warrior and thief all at once. You will always have your limits. Things that you are predisposed to being able to do well. And other things that you will just never ever do well.
And that’s okay, honestly. Unless you’re me, it would seem.
And so I’m always looking at the other dog’s bone. Looking at how small mine is, and it always leaves me unsatisfied. If you are always comparing, you will always have a hole to fill. A gap that needs tending to. There will always be something. That something is s big problem for me. It’s keeping me from really seeing the bigger picture.
The second phrase that came up for this week is:
I deal with my pain and I stop giving in to my life depleting habits.
I have some horrible habits that allow me to deal with stress. I eat out, a lot. It relaxes (and stresses) me. When I get stressed, I crave fatty foods. Fries. Chicken nuggets. Chocolate. Coffee. Tea. Things that are bad for me (in excess). I know I need to stop this. I know I need to deal with everything under the surface. So I imagine this will all play together over the next few sessions. Ultimately working towards a goal of me being balanced, happy and not killing myself slowly with McDonalds.
This week’s hypnosis was called… gender balancing, or something to that accord. She had me go into a blank space and view two vortexes of energy. One masculine. One feminine. I was to view them how they are now. For me, I put the masculine on the right, and the feminine on the left. Masculine energy was red, Fem was blue. The Masculine energy was large. A huge tornado that tried to consume me multiple times. It had lightning styled bolts that would come out of it. It was a huge storm, really. The feminine energy was more like a water tornado. It was compact, well formed and smaller than the Masculine side. It did not try to take me over.
Then, I was to visualize how these energies should be. So I made the Feminine bigger, the Masculine smaller. I made the Masculine more compact and well formed. Eradicating the lightning and all of that. Making them almost mirror images of each other. After that, I was to merge them. So I did and they became this huge tornado of varying blues and reds. The form of the tornado became more wobbly. It wasn’t that it was unstable, but it was no longer a straight line, it curved.
And finally, I was to mesh with the vortex. In the hypnosis, it was stated to have the vortex start at your crown and work it’s way down, but I decided to just walk straight into the tornado, and combine my stuff that way.
The experience was interesting. The visualizations were very clear for me. I have been told that we will probably be doing this one multiple times. That it will take time to balance out my two halves, to even out my inner turmoil, which I expected. Afterwards, we did another blessing. And again, I ended up on the same porch with the same furin and the same windy grass. The only difference was that I saw a figure on the horizon this time. I’m not sure who or what he was. But he was there.
I didn’t get much homework this time. I am to continue my studies on gratitude. To try and really understand it better. And more than mentally understanding it, I need to feel it. Because it’s not something you can really think through it’s something you experience. And quite frankly, I don’t experience it enough. I’m kind of at a dead end with where to go on this front, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something. Talk to more people, read more articles. Eventually, the pieces will come together.