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For years I couldn’t shake the feeling that once upon a time, a very very long time ago, I was a part of something that had fallen apart. I knew in my mind that things went south in a bad way, and I knew that I needed to find a way to fix it no matter what the cost. It took years for me to tease out some of the details of what might be pulling at my heart strings even from a young age. And even now, I am still trying to figure these pieces out so that I can put them in their proper places so that the group of people I am with can finally move forward and no longer be held in an eternal holding pattern.

The years before I figured out what exactly had gone so wrong, I always had this person in my mind that always gave me an overwhelming sense of loss. I couldn’t place who it was for many years, but once I did, it was like everything became hyper-focused. I was acutely aware of this person, and even more so, acutely aware of the pain and hole that they had left behind. This person was dead at the time that I learned of them, and I never expected to see them again. Each downfall has casualties. This was mine to bear.

I kept vigil for him for years. I didn’t really know what else to do, other than to keep the memory alive within me. I allowed the pain to fuel my actions, to push me to keep moving forward. It’s possible that you could say that the loss drove me to keep trying to fix what had gone awry. I had this person that I had loved that I needed to fix things for. Even if he wasn’t around to enjoy the end results, I was moved to right the wrongs that he (and others) had suffered all those years ago.

I spent so many years fixated on him that it really took me off guard when K-Pop showed up less than a month after I broke out and said we had been a “thing” several times over. I had spent all of this time keeping a light for this other person that I never even took a moment to consider if I had ever had other people in my previous lifetimes beyond him. It’s weird to say that, though, given that I had never really met the man that I was so attached to. In a way, I guess you could compare it to being consumed by a ghost or a memory, and I had been swallowed entirely.

As I began to move forward and explore the past so that I could figure out the future, I began to see wisps of him everywhere. There were times when he almost felt alive again. There were moments when it felt like we had found a tiny little bubble of the past, and we could sit in it for a while and pretend that things were okay still. But always, that bubble would disappear, and I would be left with the gaping hole that I was in before. I’ve said many times that death is not straight forward on the astral. Things rarely die permanently, and even when someone is confirmed dead, there are still ways that you can see them and reach out to them, albeit briefly. Much like dreaming of someone who is now gone from this world, you can find small pockets of reprieve from the reality of the situation. But much like that dream, once the reprieve is over, the pain is often so much greater for having cheated the system.

I tracked down every thread I could regarding this man. I hunted down pieces and stories and lies trying to find him. For a glimmer of a moment, it looked like I might have managed to reset enough pieces that they could converge to rebirth him. Both I and my partner were both nervously hopeful that maybe we had found a loophole that would allow us to fix this story once and for all.

And for a while we did. He was around and in my life, but you could tell that his smile was a thin veneer. You could tell that everyone in the house knew that the inevitable was coming. We all knew it, but never wanted to say it.

The truth of the matter is that you can’t always fix things. Sometimes you can fix them, but not for another 83856 years. The timing of things can not be overstated enough.

What’s worse is that the timing was right. It was right for bringing him back so that we could send him off again. There are many reasons for this, but I won’t go into them here. Just know that sometimes pain is the point. Sometimes you only need a spark to cause everything to set on fire. Sometimes short stints are the point, as is the pain that follows. And I can’t ever forget with him that the ends have always justified the means.

We struggled to keep him around, to battle whatever illness had befallen him. To this day I can’t ascertain if he was sick from the beginning, or if something happened somewhere along the way. He was never very upfront with me about what was going on behind that thin veneer he had, and for all I know, he showed up knowing that it would be very short-lived and he neglected to tell me for reasons. I worked as hard as I could to fix everything, to do right by the person I had waited for for so many years, but it was for naught. It was in late winter when he finally fell and light filled the sky. I thought that maybe it was over then, that I could put the wounds to rest, but I was wrong.

Entities can die several deaths in the Unseen that culminates in one final “real” death (or to use the “reset” metaphor above, you have numerous soft resets that culminate in a hard reset). In many ways, it’s like a series of false starts, except these are more like false endings. After I was told that our attempts were not working, and that we’d have to send him off, I was sad, but I understood why it needed to be done, and I accepted it for what it was. It hurt, but for some reason it was something that was painless enough that I could ignore it most of the time. However, I soon found myself being haunted by his memory. There were many times when I’d go Over There and find myself with parts of him. I had visions of the past, flickers of memories that careened across my vision. There were dreams and songs. Things that popped up on the internet. For someone who was supposedly dead, his memory antagonized me way more after his “death” than at any other point in time in my life.

There is a lot to be learned about death and loss in the Unseen. It’s not nearly as straightforward as human loss, and sometimes that is a blessing and sometimes that is a curse. In the Seen, when someone dies, that’s it. You can’t magic them back to life. You can’t go back in time to stop them from dieing. Once they are gone, they are gone. And the only thing you’ll ever have left is their memory and their stuff. This is good in that it allows for closure. You know what has happened, and there is no denying that. The person is gone and they are never going to come back.

The Unseen is less straightforward. You can lose someone, and then they come back later. It’s not uncommon for people to die and then return weeks or months later as though they never left. You can pull strings and work magix and bend time to change things. There is always this hope that people may return somehow, or that you’ll manage to find the one magic method to bring them back to you. This is good in that you can sometimes bring people back permanently- I have done this a few times with some success. But the downside to this is that you never really get closure. You are always looking over your shoulder and giving yourself a false sense of hope that somehow you’ll figure it out, even if the logical part of your brain knows you’re in denial about a situation.

Even though I knew that the writing was on the wall yet again, I still wondered if maybe I could find a way out of this. The memories plagued me for months, and I felt like I was always going to be haunted by this person. Who knows, maybe I wanted to be haunted, maybe he stuck around because I couldn’t let go. Maybe he couldn’t let go. Maybe we were both to blame. What’s worse is that I had another menz who was supposed to be helping me fix this situation, and he was not fairing well in the process. I began to worry that he’d be taken out, too.

But one evening I was sitting at home working, and suddenly the man that I had been honoring for all of these years showed up. But I knew that this time was different. He was completely aware and “with it” that night in a way that I hadn’t seen in months. I’ve heard stories of people who spend days or weeks in comas or slightly deluded states, only to wake up and be completely cognizant and aware right before they die. This was a moment like that.

He came to me and told me the inevitable. The thing that I knew had been coming from day one. The truth that has always been true between us. The fate that we have been working to unravel so that we no longer have to bear it. He came and told me what everyone in my house already knew to be fact.

The thing is, the fact that you know what is coming doesn’t make it hurt any less. There is a relief in knowing that the end has finally come (inasmuch as any real “ending” happens in the Unseen), but let me assure you that that doesn’t make the end any less difficult.

I’ve found that coping with death in the Unseen is very different from handling the death of a physical person. With a physical person, I always found that it was much easier to really recognize that someone or something is gone. You no longer see the person/animal/entity anymore. There is a very visible hole where that person used to be, and it’s so much plainer to you that someone is gone.

When an Unseen entity dies, it feels so much more abstract to me. There is this deadening, this emptiness, but you can’t really place where. Visually, nothing is different. Your house is as it always was. No one around you in the physical is mourning. No one recognizes that anything is amiss, and I personally always feel guilty for mourning someone from the Unseen in the physical. It’s one of those huge downsides to being close to anyone in the Unseen- if they die, no one knows. And if you tell people “I am sad because my non-physical friend died yesterday”, people will think you’re weird or possibly need to see a mental health professional. In many ways, I feel like mourning a non-physical entity is a lot like mourning a character from a story. That person may have had an impact on you, and so their death has left an impact on you. But the world doesn’t stop for it, and if you talk about it, people get uncomfortable really quickly.

In many ways it’s a lot less visceral and due to the lack of surrounding visible cues, you’ll probably feel kind of stupid for feeling sad. In many ways, it’s like this general malaise hangs over you, and you can’t place it’s origin and you can’t figure out how to fix it. You know something is missing and something isn’t right, but hell if you can pinpoint exactly where or what it is, let alone what to do with it.

Death is not beautiful. It’s messy and painful and generally leaves things in a state of disorder. Loss is painful, whether it’s on the physical plane or the non-physical plane. And it is equally messy as you try and figure out what to do with yourself now that there is a gaping hole in your existence. I have no beautiful succinct ending for this post. I have no final paragraph to sum up all of the learning points (hahaha what learning points). I have nothing to show except 2100 words about someone that none of you ever knew, and a mess on my metaphorical floor.

This is what it’s like when you look behind the curtain at TTR. This is what it’s like to live the dream.


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“Strange” Devotion

I have found that when it comes to my relationships with Unseen entities, devotion is a strange two-way street where Unseen entities devote a large portion of their time to harassing requesting me to do something, and only after they have spent enough time bugging me about it asking for the thing to be done will I actually do it. They devote enough time to showing me it’s important to them, and then I will devote my time to performing their request as an act of devotion to them. And it seems that the stranger the request is, the more time that must be devoted to the cause before it gets done. Or something.

A perfect example of this occurred a few weeks ago.

It was a Sunday afternoon, and I was sitting on the ground surrounded by nearly every pair of shoes that I own. I hadn’t formed some type of shoe-cult at this point in time, though it might have been more entertaining if that was the reason for being surrounded by several pair of shoes when I’d rather be resting or working on something I deem “more important”. No, the reason in this case was rather mundane in that one of my menz had spent enough time devoted to nagging me that I finally agreed to polish all of my shoes. And it only took three weeks of consistent bothering to “convince” me to cave.

boot polish supplies

As normal as strange requests have become, this one was particularly absurd to me. As I wrapped the cotton cloth around my fingers and dipped it into the boot polish, I couldn’t help but think to myself “I wonder if anyone else has to put up with this sort of crap? I mean honestly, who dictates that you need to polish your shoes?” I slowly worked the polish into the leather and mused on the strangeness of it all. While I mused on it, I heard some type of guttural remark from somewhere else in the room. I looked up at what appeared to be an empty corner where one of my menz was sitting and watching me work. “Overseeing”, he’d say. His noises indicate that I’m not polishing shoes to his standards.

This is also normal. Once I have decided to devote my time to performing this request, many entities will often watch me complete their request and comment on my performance while I do so, because an audience makes everything better. In this instance, I stare back at my menz blankly before going back to the polishing. “He may not like my methods, but I am trying, and he will have to deal with that,” I tell myself before I go back to wondering how I ended up here, and whether anyone else has to deal with this sort of thing.

And when I say “this sort of thing” I mean the weird stuff that Unseen entities make you do in the name of “devotion” or “dedication”. I mean, I’ve heard lots of stories from many different people of some of the weird stuff they’ve been requested to do, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone being harassed to shine their shoes or iron their shirts by their astral partner or deity.

But isn’t that how it goes with the Unseen? You start off simple enough. You talk for a while, you leave out offerings, you say the prayers and hymns and it’s this nice little package that you can pick up and put down and it’s got its place and everything is fine. But then one day you wake up and find the Unseen leaking into your living room, into your weekend, into your sleep and before you know it you’re being asked, if not forced, to do some strange things in the name of devotion.

There have been many discussions over the years about what some people deem as acceptable in terms of offerings, devotional acts and things of that nature. And the longer I work at this, the more I really do believe that weird devotional acts that are off the map are par for the course, if not to be entirely expected. I really have no clue where these entities come up with some of the strange requests that I’ve gotten over the years, and I honestly want to know why they ask for such stuff. Is it seriously something that they want? Or are they simply trying to see how much weird stuff they can ask for before their devotee throws their hands up in the air and says “no more”?

Over the years I’ve been asked to do things that I might deem to be weird. I’ve been told to do more mundane things like go to movies, have a nice dinner, pick out a very particular baked good from the bakery rack or things of that nature. And while I sometimes have no clue what any of this has to do with showing a deity I care, or why a deity cares about what movie I watch or what I eat for dinner, I do it all the same because I don’t want to listen to the complaining if I don’t.

It may seem harsh to say that, but I would be lying if I said that I did everything purely out of love and some altruistic bent that I have. I only have 24 hours in the day like everyone else, and there are many times when I honestly don’t care about whatever some Unseen entity is trying to convince me to do. Much like an RPG, there are days when I don’t want to go hunt down every farmer’s lost goat, even if the XP is not bad. There are days when I don’t want to iron my shirts. When I don’t want to go stand outside and leave offerings. When I don’t want to make a circle of rocks next to a busy street just because some spirit told me to.

The entities that have been around the longest have learned that the secret to getting me to do bizarre or cumbersome stuff is all in the presentation (“it’ll be fun and amazing!” *jazz hands*) – and failing that – it’s about nagging me and bugging me until I do it for the silence that should follow. It may not sound very rosy and spiritual, but it is the truth. If one half of the spirit worker equation is that all spirits are like kids that scream mine, then the other half of the spirit worker equation must be that spirit workers don’t value altruism, they value silence. And it wouldn’t surprise me if most of the Unseen knows it. I can’t even tell you how many people I’ve met that put off doing obscure, weird, or “strange” acts of devotion or offerings because, well, it’s weird and not a priority to us. If I stopped and instantly fulfilled every request a deity or spirit put in for me, I’d be broke and have no free time.

So in a way, the “two-way-street of strangeness” is a sort of filtering tool for determining what I spend my time on, particularly if the request is inane or down right bizarre.

How do you determine which offering requests to listen to or ignore? Do you have any sort of filtering criteria? Have you ever been asked to do some weird or strange things in the name of devotion? Did you end up doing them?



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Spirit Spouses: Something Old is New Again

I’ve noticed over the past year or so that god-spousing is becoming a more prominent thing in our community. For those who have never heard of this concept, the idea behind it is that a human person gets married (or some other similar ceremony) to a deity. The marriage ceremony can vary person to person and deity to deity – some have a large ceremony, others don’t. What this relationship can entail is going to vary from person to person as it would with any mortal marriage – some of the marriages are more romantic, some involve sex and some don’t, some are all astral based, and others are not – it’s all very “your mileage may vary”. And of course when anything “new” comes into the community, there are people in the community who dislike that thing, and god-spousing is no exception. Many think that this is totally stupid and often blames the resurgence (because it is a resurgence, this is not new) on things like Hiddleson or Tumblr. Despite that, the god-spouse community is starting to make some headway and gain some traction in the community at large, and I am happy to see that it’s starting to become more accepted.

There is another aspect to the god-spousing community that almost never gets talked about: spirit-spousing.

Spirit-spousing is a whole lot like god-spousing: a mortal person gets married to a spirit or other non-physical entity that isn’t identified as a deity. Just like god-spousing and mortal spouses, the nature of the relationship can vary, and the method of marriage can also vary. There are certainly a lot of different methods that can be done with spirit-spousing, and each culture that engaged in such things had their own way of doing things. However, despite there being a history of spirit-spousing, spirit-spouses almost never get any mention in posts, group discussions or in the community at large.

Because there is so very little on spirit-spousing, I wanted to spend some time talking about some of the historical things I’ve found on spirit-spousing and god-spousing as well as some of my own experiences.

History Repeats Itself

Although a lot of people seem to believe that marrying a non-physical entity (deity or otherwise) is new, it’s really not. There are plenty of examples that prove that this has been going on for a hot minute (see the relevant posts at the bottom for more information). I saw the first mention of spirit-spousing while reading The Catalpa Bow. The Catalpa Bow talks about spirit worker practices in Japan, and it turns out that there is a rather rich history of spirits engaging humans in all sorts of things- from sexual encounters, to tormenting people, to marriage.

Yep. Marriage.

There are a few common scenarios that Blacker lists in her book:

The first two groups of tales […] are those known as shinkontan or divine marriage tales. These tell of a marriage between a human being and a god. In one group a human girl is visited by an unknown deity, who on investigation is discovered to be a snake. In the other group the goddess of the sea leaves her watery home to marry a human man, only to return to it in her true form of a snake when the man has violated a taboo.19
Both these types of tale are found associated with certain shrines, usually purporting to account for the semi-divine ancestry of the priestly family in whose hereditary charge they lie. The Miwa and Kamo shrines are the most celebrated examples, the Miwa shrine in particular having given its name to two sub-types of divine marriage legend, broadly known as hebi-no-mukoiri, or snake bridegroom. (pg. 93)

Blacker goes on to state that it’s possible that many of these marriages mirror rites of passage and rituals that spirit workers (which she refers to as shamans in this book) must go through in order to obtain their skills:

In both these types of divine marriage legend there can be discerned the vestige of an ancient shamanistic cult in which a woman is chosen to serve a water-serpent god. In the odamaki stories we see a girl seized and forced to act not only as the mouthpiece of a god, but also as his bride. She is thus ‘possessed’ in a double sense, both spiritually by an oracle and sexually by a lover.
We are at once reminded of the similarly sexual relationship which obtains in many Siberian tribes between the shaman and his tutelary deity. Here, however, the sexes are usually reversed and it is a male shaman who finds himself visited by a goddess. Among the Goldi on the Amur river, Sternberg quotes a shaman as saying that his tutelary goddess, a beautiful woman who taught him the secrets which enabled him to shamanise, was at the same time the wife with whom he slept. When he shamanised he was possessed by this goddess, as his body might be permeated by smoke or vapour, and it was she who spoke through his mouth and drank the offerings of pig’s blood. The Yakut shaman was also visited when asleep by a female spirit, and the Teleut shaman likewise had a celestial wife whom he visited in her abode in the seventh heaven.27
The odamaki stories suggest that a similar relationship, with the sexes reversed, was common between the early miko and her guardian snake. (pg. 96)

While Blacker uses god and deity to describe a lot of the marriages going on in these stories, the truth is that the Japanese word Kami is very difficult to translate into English. We often consider it to instantly mean “deity” or “god”, but Kami can come in all sorts of sizes- some of which are nothing more than regional spirits or entities. So when reading these excerpts, I would advise anyone to keep a relatively loose definition of what the word god or deity could entail.

And of course, at the end of the day, it shows that there is some historical context and history of marriages and unions occurring between the Seen and Unseen.

Communication: Like Talking to a Brick Wall

Communicating with the Unseen is a notorious pain. It can be challenging to render feelings and ideas and “woo” into something that is actually coherent. And while it can be challenging to figure out how to communicate with a god, I’ve found it to be even harder to communicate with spirits. With gods you’ve got at least some sort of resource material to pull from. There are books and websites dedicated to discussing various historical and modern information about gods and deities from across the globe, and if someone shows up looking like some particular culture from Earth, it becomes much easier to figure out who exactly is pestering you. However, there is likely no website with information on Jim the tree spirit that lives in your back yard or Sally the traveler from some non-physical plane we’ve never heard of. It’s this very same problem that makes identifying netjeri and other Duat critters difficult for Kemetics- there just isn’t any widely available information out there. You’re pretty much on your own for figuring out who or what this entity is, where it came from, and what to do with it.

I still suggest approaching non-deity communication the same way you might approach deity communication. Work on figuring out a system that works best for you. For some this may be a divination system, for others it might be better through feelings or sensations. It really just depends. If you’ve got a spirit showing up on your doorstep, I recommend feeding them regularly. You may be the only person who notices they’re alive, and so they may need more energy in order to communicate with you better. You can nourish a non-deity through a lot of the same methods that you would a deity- food offerings, energy offerings (dancing, music making, sex), having shrines or other things in your house that the entity can attach to and alight from, etc. I would urge anyone who is delving into spirit communication to let the spirit know that there could be hang ups, and to be patient. Remember that communication can be just as frustrating for the spirit/entity as it is for you.

Expectations Can Make an Ass Out of You and Me

This can be further complicated by the fact that sometimes the spirit you’re working with isn’t even from some sort of earthly plane. Most of my menz have not ever lived on earth, which means it’s even harder to figure out who they are or what they want.

On top of this, there are plenty of cultures who have taboos and rules for their spirit-spousing. Some spirits are against certain things, certain spirits might expect certain things from their spouse or have certain expectations for the nature of the relationship such as food and dietary restrictions or limitations on who you can associate with or even your daily schedule. Clashing of eras and cultures can make the relationship building process even more difficult and can cause all sorts of bumps and hiccups on your path.

This has occurred for me a few times. I had a past history with a few of my menz, and they had expectations that I had to promptly crush. One believed he could come in and convert me into being strictly monogamous with him – which I told him would not happen. I’ve also gotten to experience personality conflicts between a few of my menz that threw some relationships to a grinding halt for a while, as well as differing views on how the household should be run (which we still have some issues with).

The best advice I can give to anyone who might find themselves looking at a spirit who wants to be more than friends is to take it slow. And don’t be afraid to establish your boundaries and limitations with this entity. I have a strict rule for anyone (spirit, deity, or physical human) that is interested in dating me or being romantically involved with me- we do it my way, or not at all. That doesn’t mean that I won’t compromise on things, but there are certain caveats in the relationship that will never ever change. And anyone who is interested in being with me needs to respect those rules.

Once you’ve created ground rules for yourself, stick to them. However, be prepared for certain entities to push back and try to convince you to change your rules. And, of course, be prepared to potentially send this entity or spirit packing if they refuse to take your needs seriously.

But how did you know?

One of the biggest questions I’ve been asked throughout the years of talking about spirit-spousing is “how did you know that they wanted to be in that kind of relationship with you?” The short answer is- they had to spell it out for me, usually. I am incredibly dense and daft when it comes to emotions, and I default to “everyone is friends!” mindset (much to my detriment). For pretty much every single relationship I’m involved in (or have ever been involved in), it has usually taken the other person, entity, spirit or deity to tell me “hey, I want to be more than just friends”. The only exception to this rule has been with the menz I refer to as K-Pop, who more or less made it very very clear from day one that he and I were “gonna be a thing” no matter what.


And that can and does happen- sometimes an entity shows up and refuses to take no for an answer. And it can be really challenging to figure out how to handle that. While he and I tangoed around this complete mess of feelings and emotional baggage, we pretty much spent 3 months making each other’s lives miserable. He made sure to antagonize anyone I was close to. We spent hours exchanging verbal barbs with one another while we completed tasks on the astral. We pretty much hated one another for quite a while.

It only began to progress to something better once he decided I was more important than whatever expectations he had brought to the table. It was a perfect example of having to stick to your guns. But it was a very big challenge to get to that point.

Almost none of my relationships have super romantic or amazing beginnings, and that is largely why I don’t discuss them. However, if you find that an entity (or a deity) shows up and develops a relationship with you- and then out of the blue one day decides that they want to be more than that with you- don’t feel too shocked. I certainly missed a lot of really obvious call signs with a lot of the people, spirits and entities that I have laid with. Again, communication isn’t always clear, and sometimes what is obvious to one person isn’t obvious to another.

Obviously, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to being married (or similar) with non-physical entities. I’ve tried to cover some of the basics of being married to spirits as well as covering some historical information on the practice. If there are any other topics anyone would like to delve into in the future regarding spirit-spousing, hit me up in the comments section!

Relevant Posts:


Posted by on September 17, 2014 in Astral, Crack, Hypnosis & Inner Work, Rambles


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