Tag Archives: meditation

For Everything There is a Learning Curve

Over on Tumblr I get to see a number of asks submitted to various users across the Pagan-sphere. One of the questions I see posed fairly often is “How do I do X?” secondary to that would be “I tried X, and its not working. Why?”  We often discuss methods to attain astral access, develop god phones and find deities and spirit/non-physical guides and leave it at that.

But this post is not about the methods to get things done. This post is about how each of these things has a learning curve.

For some of us, that learning curve is a nice shallow curve.

For some of us, that learning curve is like a brick wall.

And you will never know which of these curves you’ll be on until you try stuff out. Repeatedly.

For example, I discuss my religious practice (which includes crack laden donkeys) on this blog regularly. Most of you know that I have two main deities that I focus on and that I work with non-deity entities of the non-physical variety. But what some of you might not know is how long it took me to get this far, and that even now, I still have limitations.

That is because there is a learning curve involved in everything. I was not perfect at this when I started, and even though I’ve been doing this for a little while, I’m still not perfect. And that’s okay. When you start out on your practice, you will find that some things come naturally to you, but that other things take forever and a day to pan out even slightly. And that is okay.

Allow me to give you a few examples on learning curves and the limitations I have personally experienced over the years. My hope is by showing you how long it took me to get where I am now, others will understand that it does take time and become more okay with where they are at in their practices. For ease of reading, I’ll bold each section with common questions/topics that I see around.

But I want a patron! I need a main deity!

It’s a well known fact that I work with Set and Osiris. However, I don’t think people realize how long it took me to settle down with these two deities. My initial dabble into polytheism started in 2005 with a stack of Cunningham books and Wicca. For the first two years, I wouldn’t have a single deity in my practice. I worked solely with elementals and non-deities for casting my Wiccan circles.

That’s two years without a deity.

Then Anup started to pester me in my dreams. I couldn’t tell what he wanted, but he wouldn’t stop bothering me, so I bought a statue of him and placed it on my altar. I didn’t do jack with that statue, or with Anup, really. But I had a statue and that was that. That was in 2007.

I wouldn’t hear from Set until 2009. That’s a total of 4 years from starting my “Pagan” path. So as you can see, this was not an overnight affair. And finally, I didn’t figure out that Osiris wanted anything to do with me until about 2011. I wouldn’t begin working with him formally until almost 2012.

From start to finish, it took me 7 years to find both of them and start actually doing work with them. And frankly, I think it worked out better that way because 7 years gave me time to get out of my Wicca phase and get more serious with my Kemetic studies. It allowed me to grow and mature in my outlook and my writings and it allowed me to get my life straight so that these two could do what needed to be done, and so that I could do their work properly.

Time is important.

I meditated/went vision hunting and nothing happened D:

Meditation and vision questing are tricky in and of themselves. There are people who spend their whole lives perfecting the art of meditation and there are more ways to attempt vision questing than you can shake a stick at. So I think it goes without saying that these things can be fickle buggers straight out of the gate.

My experiences are no exception.

I began dancing for long amounts of time in high school. I don’t remember why I used to do it, probably because I wanted an excuse to move around to bad 80’s music and I was too young to go clubbing. Our local radio station used to stream in a local club’s music feed for about 3 hours every Saturday night. So every Saturday night I would lock myself up in my room in the dark and dance to 80’s music for three hours.

Nothing magical ever happened in high school, but I think that the 6 months of dancing like this was inadvertently prepping me for my vision questing methods I’d develop later.

I began formally meditating in my first year of college (2004). I’d listen to this cd and zone out. I never tried to focus on anything. The goal for me was to just listen to the music. Again, very little happened. I’d almost always fall asleep. However, I perfected some of my letting go technique by doing this.

This means that I’m currently at 2 years of meditating off and on with no results.

I’d continue to dance off and on to music during college. This time, I was doing it to relax and to let go. I had finally discovered that dancing grounded me out and helped to clear my head. However, I wouldn’t figure out that I could get visions from my dancing until some time in 2008.

Again, we are looking at over 5 years of off and on practice before I got any visions at all. And even then, my visions were sporadic at best. Sometimes I’d dance for 10 minutes and fall in the crack pit. Other times I’d dance for 2 hours and get nowhere at all. Visions and meditation are fickle.

But with each failure, I’d learn something about my technique and my limits. Each failure has the capacity to teach us something.

I want to astral anything!

The meditation bit above feeds into my astral travel. I’ve already discussed how my dancing led into my astral travel, so I won’t bore you with those details. What I will bore you with, though, is how my astral interactions started vs where they are now.

My original astral location was essentially a prison. It was like being trapped in a tiny little bubble of space. However, once I broke out of the bubble and fell into what I call the ‘astral proper’ I found that my senses were completely overwhelmed and I was a big pile of fail for a long, long time.

When I fell into my partner’s house room, I was unable to see well. My vision was so bad that I wouldn’t realize we had a door until nearly 6 months after we left that place. I was unable to hear him and unable to talk very well.

Deaf, mute, and blind. That’s essentially what I was.

When I first fell into his room, I required something of his to get in. I kept a stone that he likes on my person at all times and I had to hold onto it and focus on it in order to gain access to the astral. Sometimes I’d focus and still wouldn’t be able to get in, and any amount of distraction would usually pull me right back out. It would take me about 3 months of daily practice to be able to access his room without any form of assistance. It would take about a month and a half to be able to start to discern basic shapes (I literally had to feel up people’s faces to figure out who they were for quite a long time- I still have to do this regularly). And I couldn’t have a decent astral conversation for about 5 months. Even now, my ears only partially work.

I’ve been actively working on the astral thing for a year now (I fell into his room at the beginning of last October) and I’m still in the middle of my learning curve. I still can’t see very well. My hearing is patchy at best and I can’t multi-task to save my life (which means I black out on that end regularly). We combat my short comings with patience. My astral household realizes my limitations and works around them. Anyone that wishes to work with me astrally has to understand that those limitations are there and they must be okay with handling them, or they don’t work with me. It’s as simple as that.

All good things take time and practice to perfect.

Okay, so there is a learning curve, what do I do about it?

I think the moral of all of these stories is twofold. First, realize that all things take time, and the best way to get better at anything is practice. If you try something once and it doesn’t work out, that doesn’t mean that you’re horrible at it. It just means that you need practice. Keep trying. Keep doing. Did you try to reach out for the gods and not hear back? That’s okay. Sometimes it takes time to develop those connections. Sometimes we have to consistently reach out to the Unseen before we hear something back. If you fall down, get back up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward. As Dori says “just keep swimming”.

Secondly, we need to realize that we’re not going to be perfect at everything. And that’s okay. We’re all good at different things, and that’s part of the beauty of all of this. Even the ancients realized this. In Egypt, you didn’t have one person who did everything in temple. You had someone whose only job was to shake the sistrum. Another person whose only role was to carry the offering tray. Another whose only job was to read the words on the papyrus scroll. But in today’s modern era, we seem to think that we all need to be able to do everything.

We don’t. And we shouldn’t.

A jack of all trades is a master at nothing, as they say.

Be patient with yourself. Be easy on yourself. You’re not a failure if you can’t hear gods. You’re not a failure if you don’t have 934859346 gods that you work with. You’re not a failure if you can’t astral travel. You’re not a failure at all. We each have our niche and it can take time to find that niche. That’s part of the whole “journey” thing. It takes time to figure out where you need to be. And that’s okay. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re lesser because you haven’t figured everything out yet.

Even the masters had to start somewhere. We all do. Don’t be afraid to try and fail and try again. It’s only through persistence that you can break through the learning curve.

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Oracles are Wingdings

Wingdings – Happy Birthday by ~MidnightSurprise

Alternative title: The Nature of a Trance
Alternative title #2: Trancework Will Make You Its Bitch

I recently read a post by Tess Dawson about Cradling Oracles. In this post, she suggests a number of actions to be taken when working with oracles, visions and dreams. Above all, the message seems to be that in order to be able to experience the “kiss of inspiration” that an oracle brings, you must be clean and gentle.

After reading the post, I mulled over how it is I interact with oracles and visions and I came to the following conclusion: I don’t really think that oracles, visions and dreams are something you cradle. They cradle you (to put it nicely or poetically).

To be more accurate, they drown you and suck you in. You feel the wave of the vision rushing towards you, and before you can even think to run away you’re dragging in under the tide. They take you and claim you as their own.They hit you like a tidal wave and take the breath out of you. Once you finally finish and are able to resurface to get a gasp of air into your lungs, you’ll find that they burn like fire because you’ve succumbed to the water for so long, you forget what air feels like.

And once you’ve finally got some of your sense back to you, you’ll be left wallowing or basking in the feeling of the whole thing, dumbstruck and wondering what the hell you just experienced.

In short, visions are not something you control. While its true that some vision work will allow you minor control (starting or stopping the vision, rewinding the vision, possibly the ability to move around in the vision space), you shouldn’t go into them expecting to control them – if you’ve even got enough of your wits about you to even consider control once you’ve fallen into the oracular crack pit. So much of vision work involves a loss of control, and many of the methods behind seeking out visions (or receiving them) involves you not really being yourself or overly present anymore. The whole point is to let your brain go so that you can take visions in.

It is quite literally like falling into an ocean and hoping that you can get what you need out of the ocean before you run out of breath.

Hell, in Japanese tradition, oracles are so taxing and consuming that you need a second person present to question the person channeling the kami in particular. It’s taxing to take this amount of information into your brain all at once. And considering that the imagery is often very traumatic or mind blowing, it can leave you feeling spent for days after the fact.

Not to mention that many visions and oracles are in another language. I call Osiris Mr. Wingdings for a reason- he speaks in visions and symbols. He speaks in a language that I can’t read- and most visions are the same way. You fall in, receive a host of symbols and gestures and hope to the gods you can piece it all together once you’re done. It’s not clear cut, and there is a lot of room for interpretation.

And unlike interpreting runes or tarot cards, reading animal entrails, or interpreting the flight patterns of birds- all of which are forms of interpreting omens, one does not usually consciously interpret an oracle (or get a choice in experiencing an oracular session or vision). Oracles and visions are direct communication with the spirit world and are not something one can control and observe from a safe distance. The word “oracle” comes from the Latin verb ōrāre, “to speak,” and refers to a person in an altered state delivering cryptic prophecy, often “possessed with the voice” of a God. When one is delivering an oracle, the God or spirit has seized the individual and is forcing the message through that person, whether they’re ready for it or not, whether they understand it or not.

Or to put it succinctly, reading omens are like having a god sit in front of you and tell you XYZ. Delivering an oracle or experiencing a vision or trance is like having the deity barf those ideas onto your head and down your windpipe.

And this really does follow along the lines of another idea I’ve been mulling over lately. You see, when it comes to Pagandom or polytheism at large, it seems that everyone thinks in two categories. You’ve got people who are laypeople and people who are priests or clergy. But I feel like this discussion about oracles and vision questers and astral travelers really hits home for me that there is a third category of people that we need to discuss.

These are the people who mingle in between priesthood and laity. They are the folks who are close to the gods because they’re sat and talked with them, been drowned by them, and been led on crack-infested adventures via visions and dreams. To use a Kemetic metaphor, I would expect these people to be the ones whom people would consult for assistance with problems and remedies. They weren’t the purified priests who spent their days in front of kar shrines and offering tables. These were the people who lived on the edge of town, and in between day to day tasks, they would get led off into no-man’s land by various spirits.

By modern terms, these folks might considered shamans, mediums, or something similar. I know that most people who fall into this category classify it as “woo folks”.

But these people are the people who live in the mire that is visions and oracles. They speak and breath in oracular visions and dreams of crack laden donkeys. These are the folks who pay the price to get the visions – not necessarily out of choice, but because sometimes your head is broken open.

These people don’t cradle an oracle. We know that cleansing and purifying before a vision questing session is a futile effort because we know that getting to the meat of such a beast is a dirty job. Perhaps the method for a priest is different when attaining these things, but to speak in such absolutes as the OP did (in my opinion) gives this unrecognized third category no credit to the work that it does (and has done in the past).

Interacting with the spirit world is messy business. Even if you start out clean, you’re going to end up dirty. And in my experience, you don’t hold onto anything in the process of watching a vision, you get laid out barren by the entities at hand who are showing you these things. You’re reduced to a passive watcher who has no choice to be take note of the images playing across your vision.

If anything, I think that the advice to be given to folks who deal in oracular visions isn’t that you should “cradle” the vision- oh no. That’s about as effective as cradling a cactus. The vision is its own living entity and much like a god, it doesn’t need cradling. Instead, I offer this as an alternative:

Cradle yourself.

Learn to take care of yourself, because gods know that this line of work is going to do its damndest to chew you up and spit you out. Instead of worrying about the oracle’s needs- consider your own. Build up your own network of entities and people that can assist you so that when the next batch of visions and prophecies beat you upside the head, you have the means to come back from it alive and not in a million pieces.


Posted by on September 22, 2013 in Astral, Crack, Hypnosis & Inner Work, Rambles


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Devo Magix: Vision Questing

Alternate title: How to Crack Out

Disclaimer: I have no clue if vision questing is the right term to use. I’m not taking this term from any other culture- it’s something I came up with to try and describe what I do when I literally go out looking for visions. If there is a better term for this sort of thing, please let me know so I can use what is considered “standard” terminology.

As I’m sure many of my readers have heard by now – I have a proverbial IV of crack flowing in my veins. I’ve received visions and weird ass images in my brain for many many years now. Sometimes, these visions just come to me. However, over the years I have learned a thing or two about chasing visions down. I wanted to discuss some methods about how I track down visions, which I lovingly refer to as crack. While I initially used these methods to obtain visions, it is possible to use these methods to access the astral, the gods, or a host of other things. So be aware that it can be a mixed bag of what you could get when you dip your toes into the crack filled lake that is the UnSeen.

Please be advised that these methods will not be suitable for everyone. Please use your discretion when trying these methods and I am not responsible if you hurt yourself from using my ideas.

When I started seeking visions, I found that I needed the right mixture of tired and awake to get anywhere. If you’re too exhausted, you’ll fall asleep. If you’re too awake, you’ll likely be too excited or alert to actually get anywhere. In my experience, you need to be passively alert to get the best results.

But Devo, how on earth do I do that? That doesn’t sound possible.

Believe it or not, you’ve likely hit this place of passive alertness before and not even realized it. Ever found yourself daydreaming while staring at the wall? That’s a good example of it. How about having a cat nap- where you’re not really asleep, but not really awake? That’s another good example. Often times we hit this state without even realizing it. And that’s part of the trick- realizing you’re in this state without breaking the state. When I first started, I’d often get into a good rhythm, and then go “oh my god! I’m actually doing it!” and promptly lose it because I became too alert and broke the trance I was in. Learning how to get there and stay conscious enough to remember what you see is key.

With the methods listed below, I recommend that you start by letting your brain wander. Just let it go wander off somewhere. The more still you can make your brain, the easier it’ll be for you to retrieve things. However, if you sit there the whole time telling yourself “I must relax. I must relax,” you’ll end up being too tense to actually, you know… relax. So let your mind go where it wants to. The more you practice, the easier it’ll be to let your mind roam. The better your mind is at roaming, the more likely it is to return with a nice batch of crack for you to look at. You can also try asking a deity for assistance when doing this, if that’s your thing.

So, what are some common methods I use to get into this state?

Yes, seriously. Driving. This isn’t recommended for everyone, but I find that driving at 70 miles an hour is very zen like and relaxing. I’m just focusing on the road and my brain sorta goes into auto-pilot. I’m alert enough because I’m making sure I’m not going to kill anyone. However, I’m relaxed because the vibrations of the car and the pattern of the dotted line on the road just relax me somehow. Some of my first visions came from this method and I wasn’t even trying to get them.

Puzzles, Coloring/Painting/Drawing, Cleaning/Doing Chores.
Once again, all of these are things that keep me slightly mentally active- but are mind numbing enough that I can sometimes hear or see things.

Hiking or Going For a Walk.
Many times when I go for walks in quiet places, I will find that my mind starts to wander- and gets lost out in crack-ville. Certain locations and times of the year work better than others. I find that being comfortable while I walk is important if I want to get anywhere. If it’s too sunny, cold, hot, etc. it won’t work.

Listening to Music.
Sometimes, I can listen to music and get caught up in the sound and the movement of the music that I retrieve images or visions. Different types of music will give me different results. Quiet, lulling music will likely make me fall asleep. Active music tends to give me more successful results.

Seriously. Yes. After the fact, I am usually quite relaxed and can sometimes get into a semi-lucid state where I can see stuff.

For those who have talked to me about vision questing- this is more or less my “signature method.” Dancing is by far the best method I have found to obtain visions. However, this method is the most physically taxing – to the point that there was a 2 year period where I couldn’t do it because it was too demanding on my body. Generally, my process in regards to dancing is fairly simple: I dance until I can’t dance anymore. Once I can’t dance anymore, I will lay down and wait to see if things come to me. If they do- great. If not, I will attempt to get up and dance some more, basically repeating the process until something comes to me. If I’m really trying to push myself, I will combine the dancing and sexing bits to try and push my limits further. I find that dancing in a dark room works best- as my eyes will have little to focus on, and I’ll be forced to focus on the music and movement. I also find that having my music super loud helps to drown out any mental noise that could distract me (I also have a habit of cranking up my music when driving for the same reasons).

I tried these and it’s not working? What now?

There are a few things I can say when the methods above don’t work:

  • These aren’t the methods for you- try to find something that works best for you. Active meditation/cracking isn’t for everyone.
  • Keep trying- it can take multiple attempts (and years for some) to get good at it. Not every attempt will bear fruit. There have been times where I have danced for over an hour and not successfully received anything.
  • Perhaps this isn’t your skill set. Not everyone is hardwired to receive visions or crack out. There is nothing wrong with this. Where you should draw the line for ‘having tried enough and this isn’t for me’ vs. ‘need to keep trying to develop the skill’ will be different for everyone.

I tried some of the methods above and I think I accidentally stumbled onto the astral. What do I do?

Technically, we all access the astral to some extent every day. We dream in the astral. If you talk to gods, you likely do that astrally to an extent. Some argue that we live in one of the layers of the astral. When it comes to things of this nature, I’ve found that visions usually come of one of two varieties (or a combination of both):

  • Images that you can’t control- like watching a movie. No amount of will on your part will allow you to influence what you’re seeing. These are visions.
  • Images that you can control or interact with- just like in your waking life. For this particular tutorial, we will call this accessing the astral.

Sometimes, an experience will start as the first- a movie you’re watching, and will end up as the second- a world or situation you can manipulate or influence.

So what happens when you end up in the second category? That largely depends on what type of situation you find yourself in. Before you being seeking visions, I recommend that you read up on what types of things you could potentially come in contact with- as it is possible to attempt to get the first selection above, but accidentally get stuck with the second (see useful links at the bottom).

If you do happen to stumble into a situation that is more than just watching a movie- your first step is to assess what exactly is going on. Are you around people you know (such as deities) or not? Do they appear friendly? Do they even realize you’re there? If you find that you are not being noticed, or that you can simply observe without conflict- do exactly that. Watch what is going on and stay quiet until you can leave or are excused. However, it is possible to blip onto the astral into a dangerous situation.

If you find yourself in a dangerous situation you have a few options:

You can cut bait and leave right then and there. Pull yourself out of the meditation/trance/etc. Ground yourself. Possibly cleanse and ward yourself up for safety (I usually do this by eating something and taking a shower). The downside to this is that you could potentially leave a part of you in that area of the astral that may or may not have it’s ass handed to it now and/or stolen (this is not common, but can happen).

Or you can fight. Fighting ability will depend highly on the realm you are in. In many cases, the sky is the limit. Anything you can think up- you can do. Don’t be scared to push the limits of logic to come up with a means to kick butt. In many cases, you can create and manifest weaponry and magix out of thin air to get the job done. With any luck, the person/entity picking on you will realize you are not worth their time and leave. At which point you can come out of the vision/trance that you are in and follow up with grounding and cleansing as mentioned above, if you feel you need it.

If you stumble into the astral once, be aware that it can happen again. If you manage to get there once, I would recommend learning more about protective measures on the astral before attempting to crack out again- just in case.

On the by and large, vision questing can be a very interesting and useful practice. It’s a good means to get insight to situations, ideas for stories or art projects, and its a good way to communicate with the gods/spirits around us. Even before I began interacting with the astral, I loved to look for visions- just for the aesthetics alone. If you do try any of the methods above, let me know how they work for you!

Good luck cracking out!

This post has been edited from its original form. I made an error in using the acronym ADD as an adjective, which is offensive to anyone who is diagnosed with or has ADD. I apologize for this oversight and have changed the verbiage above to remove the offensive sentence/wording.

Relevant Links:


Posted by on February 13, 2013 in Astral, Devo Magix Series


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The Color of Mourning

I’m not really sure why I’m posting this. It keeps bugging me, so I’m getting out of my system in an effort to make it stop bugging me.

There is a place that exists in my mind that I often times visit. I lovingly call it the Interior. It is something I either created, or stumbled upon during my college years, when I didn’t really have a path that I subscribed to. It came about during a time of heavy warding and barrier creation, and I needed a place in my mind where I could visualize my barriers being constructed. Even now, I still go into the recesses of my mind to explore the Interior, to see what secrets she holds. And sometimes I go there to get away from problems. To reconnect with myself, and sometimes the gods.

Throughout the past 6 or 7 years of working with the Interior, there are a few things that have stayed the same. The general layout of the place is the same as it was then. The weather is almost always the same (overcast during the day, gigantic full moon at night). And so is my appearance. When I first started working on the Interior, I wore a black robe or cloak of some kind. And slowly, the cloak disappeared more and more, and a black kimono replaced it. At the time, I didn’t really note anything of it. It’s a kimono, right? Nothing new there. I like Japan, no big deal. Must be bleed through. But then I began to learn more and more about wafuku and it’s styles. And I realized I was wearing mofuku. Clothes for those in mourning.

Mofuku is easy to spot because you are literally wearing nothing but black (except the juban collar, normally). Even items that you don’t see are black. Black black black. And the only thing I was missing on my clothes on the Interior are the crests. As far as I know, I had no crests (the white dots you see). However, rain or shine. Summer, winter, whenever. I was in black. Black wafuku. Sometimes the kimono would hit my ankles, other days it was shorter- closer to my knees. But always black. The only color I ever had to my name (on a regular basis) was on a pair of tekko- of a purple-ish color. For many years, I was not without my arm guards (look at Miroku’s to get a good idea).

Now that I’ve learned more about kimono, and the nuances of what the patterns and cuts mean, I really wonder what on earth I’m doing wearing mourning wear all the time. Yes, I can go in there and forcibly change what I’m wearing, but it always defaults to this black. Is it a past life me, running around being all sad? Is it a reflection of something within myself- that I’m mourning all the time? Is it just a coincidence?

The more I’ve learned about how to wear all of these items, the clearer the clothes become. Originally, I had a hard time figuring out what was around my waist. I knew something was there, but I couldn’t figure out the details. Now that I know how that stuff goes on and appears, I can see it more. However, the black on black on black came around before I knew jack about kimono, or how it’s worn. And even during the era of my ‘cloak’, I was still always in black. Why this necessity of black? It really does confuse me, as I am not a wearer of black. I think I own 3 black items in my entire wardrobe.

To make matters even more confusing, there is another form of clothing that I’ve started to wear (in the past 2 years) that shows up when I’m actually around something dead. And it’s not black. It’s light pink. And the clothing is typical of a younger female. Talk about confusing.

Brain, Y U NO make sense?


Posted by on May 4, 2012 in Rambles


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The Gratitude of Uniqueness

I had another therapy session this past weekend. This time we discussed who I am, who I am not, and my attitude towards both of these. I have issues with who I am a lot of days. My therapist worded it as a sickness. That I seem to consider my traits to be some illness that I need to medicate or chase away (to which she said that my traits are not the problem, but my attitude towards my traits is). And sometimes this is very true. I always consider myself as the square peg in the round hole. The oddball. The monkey wrench in everyone’s plans. I often tell people that I was born ‘in the wrong place, in the wrong time’. I feel like almost everything about myself is just a bit weird or out of synch, and that those aspects of myself make it hard for me to get along with anyone, to fit in with society, coworkers, friends… you name it.

And of course, my rough and tumble reputation on the forums and other stereotypes and ideas about “who I am” that follow me like lost puppies throughout the years doesn’t help this idea. It’s really a mess when you get down to it.

To complicate this matter even further, I have an ego the size of a house. I love myself. I am god’s gift to man some days. I am the awesomest person you ever met. And if you don’t recognize it, well god cries for you. Seriously. And it really depends on the day and the group of people I’m around as to whether I hate myself, or love myself. As always, the two extremes.

Much like S and O, really.

Well apparently this business isn’t good for me.  This I love me I hate me… I can’t make up my mind… type thing doesn’t do me a lot of good. And it would seem that despite my egotistical nature from time to time, at my core, I really don’t like myself. I have a lot of issues with who I am and where I stand within my society. So this is what we are going to be working on next. This week’s phrase is:

I embrace and honor my uniqueness. I am grateful for who I am.

Which hurts to say. I can’t really say it. I feel fake when I say it. Like I’m lieing. Probably because I don’t see myself that way yet. Yes, I’m grateful for many of the things I can do, many of the things I have. But there is always this niggling “but” that follows. I am grateful for X, but I would prefer Y. That sort of thing. That is the root of my problem. I compare. A lot. I compare what I have, what you have, what she has, what they have, and what I think I should have. And if you aren’t the sort of person who does this, you are very lucky. Because when you compare yourself to others, you’re setting yourself up for failure. There will always be someone with something more. With more money, more women, more smarts, more looks. Much like with the RPG reference before, you can’t level up in everything. You can’t be a master mage, warrior and thief all at once. You will always have your limits. Things that you are predisposed to being able to do well. And other things that you will just never ever do well.

And that’s okay, honestly. Unless you’re me, it would seem.

And so I’m always looking at the other dog’s bone. Looking at how small mine is, and it always leaves me unsatisfied. If you are always comparing, you will always have a hole to fill. A gap that needs tending to. There will always be something. That something is s big problem for me. It’s keeping me from really seeing the bigger picture.

The second phrase that came up for this week is:

I deal with my pain and I stop giving in to my life depleting habits.

I have some horrible habits that allow me to deal with stress. I eat out, a lot. It relaxes (and stresses) me. When I get stressed, I crave fatty foods. Fries. Chicken nuggets. Chocolate. Coffee. Tea. Things that are bad for me (in excess). I know I need to stop this. I know I need to deal with everything under the surface. So I imagine this will all play together over the next few sessions. Ultimately working towards a goal of me being balanced, happy and not killing myself slowly with McDonalds.

This week’s hypnosis was called… gender balancing, or something to that accord. She had me go into a blank space and view two vortexes of energy. One masculine. One feminine. I was to view them how they are now. For me, I put the masculine on the right, and the feminine on the left. Masculine energy was red, Fem was blue. The Masculine energy was large. A huge tornado that tried to consume me multiple times. It had lightning styled bolts that would come out of it. It was a huge storm, really. The feminine energy was more like a water tornado. It was compact, well formed and smaller than the Masculine side. It did not try to take me over.

Then, I was to visualize how these energies should be. So I made the Feminine bigger, the Masculine smaller. I made the Masculine more compact and well formed. Eradicating the lightning and all of that. Making them almost mirror images of each other. After that, I was to merge them. So I did and they became this huge tornado of varying blues and reds. The form of the tornado became more wobbly. It wasn’t that it was unstable, but it was no longer a straight line, it curved.

And finally, I was to mesh with the vortex. In the hypnosis, it was stated to have the vortex start at your crown and work it’s way down, but I decided to just walk straight into the tornado, and combine my stuff that way.

The experience was interesting. The visualizations were very clear for me. I have been told that we will probably be doing this one multiple times. That it will take time to balance out my two halves, to even out my inner turmoil, which I expected. Afterwards, we did another blessing. And again, I ended up on the same porch with the same furin and the same windy grass. The only difference was that I saw a figure on the horizon this time. I’m not sure who or what he was. But he was there.

I didn’t get much homework this time. I am to continue my studies on gratitude. To try and really understand it better. And more than mentally understanding it, I need to feel it. Because it’s not something you can really think through it’s something you experience. And quite frankly, I don’t experience it enough. I’m kind of at a dead end with where to go on this front, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something. Talk to more people, read more articles. Eventually, the pieces will come together.

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Posted by on February 22, 2012 in Astral, Crack, Hypnosis & Inner Work


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Proactively Irritating

I went to another session of therapy this past weekend. This time we focused on me letting go. Of lots of things. Things that bother me, things that I can’t control, things that I want to control… I guess a lot more bothers me than I give credit for. The moral of the session was:

I will be proactive in finding solutions to things that irritate me.

Or something to that effect. We talked about some of the small stuff that bugs me on a daily basis. Such as getting to bed late, getting up later, not eating in, not leaving on time… small stuff that slowly grinds on me – sometimes on a subconscious level. I was asked to talk with my other about how we could fix some of these issues and to come up with a game plan. I have done so and here is the general gist of what we’re going to do.

  • We need to get up within the first 2 alarms. No more of this snooze game stuff. Get up.
  • Be more active in packing our lunches the day before so that we aren’t wasting time in the morning.
  • Ditto for dishes- get them done the night before.
  • Think of smaller, easier things to eat for breakfast to free up time.
  • I need to work on cooking so that I can help with making food in the mornings and the evenings.
  • Get off the internet sooner in the evenings so that we get to bed sooner.
  • Stick to it.

None of this stuff is incredibly new, but she is holding me to my shit- which really makes me want to stick to it. I guess you could say she’s holding me accountable. Which I need. She also called me out on my shit in regards to cooking. Telling me that I need to do it. Which I knew. I know why I don’t cook, and it’s stupid, but I’ve been allowed to get away with it for so long, so I went with it anyways as dishonorable as that is. And really, it boils down to fear. I was scared to cook and get made fun of, or to have people hate it. It’s a weird fear that developed in my youth with my family and is now going to be broken, because it has to be broken. I figure if I can bake complex loaves of bread, I can make regular food. I just need to get over this stupid fear of mine. So that shall be interesting.

The hypnosis was something like the world bridge or dream bridge… it had a name. In it, I floated up over the Earth and visualized an identical planet next to it, a planet that was perfect. For me, the mirror planet looked like some weird iridescent ball that you could see through. I had to see a bridge connecting the two (some weird white arced light) and walk from one to the other. In that world, I was to walk down the street and see my house (heavy Japanese influence). I walked inside of my perfect house (also Japanese influenced) and sat around in it, feeling comfortable. I then had to go into a room that was my ‘purpose’. The room had white walls (makes me think of shoji screen, perhaps) and tatami floors (whole house did). In it, there were two shrines, one on each wall. I couldn’t really define anything, but I know what it was supposed to be. I think there was a desk in there, too. This is apparently my purpose. Before I could really think about it, I was pulled out of that world and put back in this one. I imagine the point is to try and bring the perfect world and this world into one over time.

We then did another blessing. Once again, as soon as she went into song, I found myself on that porch, furin ringing and the grass blowing. Slowly, my mind shifted to sitting in front of a campfire in the middle of the night. I really wish I knew what was up with that porch.

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Posted by on January 23, 2012 in Astral, Crack, Hypnosis & Inner Work


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