Proactively Irritating

I went to another session of therapy this past weekend. This time we focused on me letting go. Of lots of things. Things that bother me, things that I can’t control, things that I want to control… I guess a lot more bothers me than I give credit for. The moral of the session was:

I will be proactive in finding solutions to things that irritate me.

Or something to that effect. We talked about some of the small stuff that bugs me on a daily basis. Such as getting to bed late, getting up later, not eating in, not leaving on time… small stuff that slowly grinds on me – sometimes on a subconscious level. I was asked to talk with my other about how we could fix some of these issues and to come up with a game plan. I have done so and here is the general gist of what we’re going to do.

• We need to get up within the first 2 alarms. No more of this snooze game stuff. Get up.
• Be more active in packing our lunches the day before so that we aren’t wasting time in the morning.
• Ditto for dishes- get them done the night before.
• Think of smaller, easier things to eat for breakfast to free up time.
• I need to work on cooking so that I can help with making food in the mornings and the evenings.
• Get off the internet sooner in the evenings so that we get to bed sooner.
• Stick to it.

None of this stuff is incredibly new, but she is holding me to my shit- which really makes me want to stick to it. I guess you could say she’s holding me accountable. Which I need. She also called me out on my shit in regards to cooking. Telling me that I need to do it. Which I knew. I know why I don’t cook, and it’s stupid, but I’ve been allowed to get away with it for so long, so I went with it anyways as dishonorable as that is. And really, it boils down to fear. I was scared to cook and get made fun of, or to have people hate it. It’s a weird fear that developed in my youth with my family and is now going to be broken, because it has to be broken. I figure if I can bake complex loaves of bread, I can make regular food. I just need to get over this stupid fear of mine. So that shall be interesting.

The hypnosis was something like the world bridge or dream bridge… it had a name. In it, I floated up over the Earth and visualized an identical planet next to it, a planet that was perfect. For me, the mirror planet looked like some weird iridescent ball that you could see through. I had to see a bridge connecting the two (some weird white arced light) and walk from one to the other. In that world, I was to walk down the street and see my house (heavy Japanese influence). I walked inside of my perfect house (also Japanese influenced) and sat around in it, feeling comfortable. I then had to go into a room that was my ‘purpose’. The room had white walls (makes me think of shoji screen, perhaps) and tatami floors (whole house did). In it, there were two shrines, one on each wall. I couldn’t really define anything, but I know what it was supposed to be. I think there was a desk in there, too. This is apparently my purpose. Before I could really think about it, I was pulled out of that world and put back in this one. I imagine the point is to try and bring the perfect world and this world into one over time.

We then did another blessing. Once again, as soon as she went into song, I found myself on that porch, furin ringing and the grass blowing. Slowly, my mind shifted to sitting in front of a campfire in the middle of the night. I really wish I knew what was up with that porch.