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The Page Turns

This past weekend marked my last therapy visit. I had thought long and hard over the past two weeks about what I would do in regards to therapy, and currently I feel that I need to focus on my physical problems. And once my physical issues are sorted out, I can begin to work on my innards again. I explained my stance to my therapist, and she seemed to understand and support my decision. While I’m sure on some levels she wishes I would have tried the route she suggested, I feel that this is the path I must take. To go any other way besides this would not be true to myself. And above all, I try to stay true to me.

So to fill some of you in, I believe I have narrowed down (finally!) what is wrong with me. In the past month since I have moved, I have begun to eat better and better. And by better, I mean I’m not eating McDonalds every night. As I cleaned up my diet, I began to see more patterns in my body’s reaction to food. I noticed that vegetables hurt my stomach horribly. I learned that noodles still didn’t sit well. Things like that. And so I turned to the Internet again, as I always do, to see if I could find something that linked all of these things. And ironically, there is something that is a common theme:

Fructose.

There is something called Fructose Malabsorption. Basically, it means that your body doesn’t absorb the fructose like it should. And so the fructose travels down into the lower parts of your digestive tract where all of your little bacteria can munch on it. These bacteria eat the fructose, and begin to create waste- which is usually in the form of a gas. This gas creates bloating, gas, and pain (among other things- people’s symptoms run the gamut). The more fructose you feed these guys, the more they procreate, and next thing you know, your gut is overrun with them. If not kept in check, the condition can lead to vitamin and mineral deficiencies, apparently.

The good news for this is, after only a few weeks without fructose, I feel a TON better. The bad news is, everything has fructose in it. Most vegetables, most fruits. Wheat. Brown rice. Agave. Honey. Garlic. All sorts of stuff. So finding things to eat has been a challenge. And the next step for me will be to see a dietician/nutritionist to ensure that I am able to get enough nutrients. And from there, I’m not sure what I will do. But hopefully there will be an upward trend for my health.

In regards to therapy, I am very glad that I went. I learned a lot about myself in the past 6 months, and I feel like my horizons have been broadened. I no longer approach things in the same way that I did before, and I think overall it’s been a good shift for me. For anyone considering hypnosis or therapy, I’d tell them to go for it. Just to make sure you have a therapist that you meld with, and that you can trust them. Because if you lack trust, your sessions won’t be nearly as fulfilling. Hypnosis has done me wonders with focus and meditation. I can now walk through the beginnings of the hypnosis my therapist would walk me through every session, and enter into the same state where I can begin to work on things. It’s really interesting.

I’m really excited to see how this will change things for me. The possibility of being able to function normally, and not be in pain on a regular basis is an awesome thought for me. And while I’m sad to see therapy go (for the time being) I do look forward to seeing where this next branch will take me.

 

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Two Sides at War

This weekend marked another visit to the therapist. And for the first time, I felt like we were cutting to the heart of something. Like we had tapped something that was important. As I sat in the chair, all I could really hear in my head was finally! And what’s most ironic about this is, it almost didn’t happen.

I went into the office, and we sat down to talk. She told me that I looked different. That she could see it on my face. That I was happy. That something had changed a bit. Because of this, she felt I didn’t have to talk about anything if I didn’t want to. We didn’t have to work on anything if I’d rather pocket the money and come back in a few weeks. However, I didn’t want to leave it at that. I didn’t want to pat myself on the shoulder and consider it done. I wanted to push through.

So we talked.

We started out on my new place. This happiness that is occurring, which stems from the new place. The newness of it all is keeping me active. Keeping me busy. Apparently it’s making me happier- even though I can’t feel a difference. And I think that statement right there sums up everything.

I am happier, but I don’t feel happier.

This set the tone for the rest of the session.

As we all know, I have two sides. And I have been working to make my two sides, my two halves, whole. According to last week’s session, one side of me is cock-blocking the other side. I am getting in my own way. In the session, we labeled one side as the ego. My ego is the one doing the tripping. The other side is my Soul. The Soul is what I am supposed to be listening to. The one I should be following. But I’m not. This is due to the ego telling me all sorts of useless and often times false information. It tells me I’m not happy. It tells me what I do and don’t want (see my post about breathing). It tries to make all of the rules for me. And the ego only backs down once it’s been pushed back, or once it thinks it’s set the ‘rules’ and therefore it’s job is done. The Soul on the other hand is more calm. It’s got it’s shit in order. However, it’s a lot quieter, a lot harder to hear. And apparently, once you really start to work with that side of yourself (she called it a “Soul-led life”) you lose control. You quit trying to control things, trying to be the master of everything, and you just are. You be. Which, for a control freak such as myself, is a tall order (not to mention how little the ego likes this idea as well). It also seems that part of the reason why I “get” things, yet can’t apply them is because my Soul knows something, but my ego doesn’t allow me to apply it, or feel it. It doesn’t allow me to live a lot of what I say.

And really, I find this sad that I don’t feel things. I don’t know when I’m happy. I don’t necessarily know when I’m excited. I always keep my emotions in tight range (well, the happier emotions. I seemingly have no issues with getting angry out in public). And I do wonder if this habit of keeping emotions locked up is part of why I don’t feel so much anymore. Sure, I know when I’m angry and frustrated. I know when I’m sad or down. But I don’t know when I’m happy. I know of things that make me happy, but when I’m doing those things, I don’t feel the happiness there. I deny myself happiness.Which comes to one of the statements we used in this session:

I have no choice but to be sick because I don’t deserve to be fully alive.

We discussed this statement. Why I don’t deserve to be alive. I told her I have no clue where it came from. I’m so damned alive, I can’t imagine wanting to die (even though there was a time when I felt that life wasn’t worth living). She wondered if this was some remnant of some past issue I had.

We also discussed my relationship with my SO. She feels that this move makes us work together. Moving stuff, coordinating where to put items, how to pack stuff, unpack stuff, etc. makes us do things together. It makes us communicate. And that is part of why I’m happier too.

And of course, I don’t really feel that either.

I told her that I was still battling the desire to do a million things at once. That I was being good, and trying to do little to nothing when I’m tired, but I was struggling with telling myself to calm down and rest. I want to do everything I can. All the time. And of course, this interferes with my relationship sometimes because I’d rather go sew, or work on some craft or another than sit with my SO and cuddle or something similar.

So two homework assignments came out of this.

First, I need to create a list of everything I want to do. Everything. Ever. Then I need to break it into short term projects, medium term projects, and long term projects. She feels that this will help me organize my brain and prepare for when I actually get time to do side projects again. Second, I need to create a list of things I can do with my SO on a regular basis to keep this connection going. I am to break this list up into free, low cost, medium cost, high cost, etc. Then we have to decide how we’re going to keep this whole connection thing going on. I more or less need to figure out how I’m going to balance my relationship with my millions of side projects. And I need to stick to it. SO needs to take priority.

So then we went back to the ego thing. My ego is causing me problems. She asked me if I really wanted to work on listening to my Soul and less on my ego. She noted that deep down, I’m afraid of losing control. Afraid of what will happen when I simply let go. However, despite these fears, I would say that I want to continue on this path. I want  to see where it leads. I want to ‘jump off the cliff’ as it were. I don’t like that I always seemingly need to be in control. That I have to have my fingers in everyone’s pies. I don’t want to be that person that micromanages everything and everyone in a 5 mile radius. I just don’t want that. And while it might be scary, it might be a bit nerve wracking, I’d like to see where this leads. She then asked my soul if it was ‘ready to do war’. Apparently it is, and it seems this will be the next chapter of work for me.

I am much happier when my Soul is guiding me.

It would seem the first step to working on this is to continue relaxing. She says that my ego is rather busy with the move, with getting stuff done. It has enough to focus on that it’s willing to sorta leave me alone for the time being. So if anything, this is a great time to work on things in the background as it were. And as always, relaxation is important. It helps me to let go, to work on my focusing and relaxation techniques discussed in the Breathing post. And I imagine the more I relax, the easier it will be to hear my Soul talking to me. A phrase to sum the relaxation up is:

I am relaxed and enjoy giving and receiving positive touch.

Apparently this will help me somehow. The hypnosis we did relates to sex, connection and my SO. So perhaps that’s how the phrase is relevant, but I can’t help but feel like there is more to it than this. I’m not a touchy person. I don’t care for being touched. I was rarely touched in my youth, and even now I’m particular about who touches me. Perhaps this is a wall that needs to be examined for other possible ideas, meanings, etc.

The hypnosis wasn’t much for me this week. I laid there, stood on the tenth floor of the building of relaxation. It was empty as always. I took the elevator in the center of the floor. Rode it down to the bottom. I noticed this time I was in a nice black suit. For whatever reason. I started to walk down the hallway, opened the door… and she talked to me. In the beginning, she had me place outdated ideas, fears and concepts into this whirlpool. And after a moment of looking at these useless items in the whirlpool, I was to pull a plug out, and watch these unneeded items leave me. I stood and watched. Sometimes the water was in a tub, then it might shift to a large, round room. Then it would go to being an ocean… and back and forth between these various ideas. After that, I don’t remember a lot of imagery. There were shades of red, black, and skin tone. But honestly, not a lot of images. The hypnosis itself consisted of more or less opening the 5 senses to your partner. Which I suppose would help me to actually do more with him, and find more ways to connect with him.

All in all, it was an interesting session. I feel like I’m finally getting to stuff that is more important. I’ve cut through some of the crap, and I’m starting to work on things that really matter. Of course, everything we’ve worked on matters. Every little step that I take forward is helpful. But for whatever reason, I can’t shake the feeling that this is bigger somehow. That this will change things for me in a larger way. I hope I’m right.

I can also say that the more I work on things, the more I don’t always trust what my brain tells me. I’m slowly beginning to see how sometimes we feed ourselves lies. We coddle ourselves. We tell ourselves things that make it better for the moment, but ultimately ends up hurting us in the long run. I have a friend who told me once that life is filled with lies. Lies we tell ourselves, lies we’ve been told. Lies which don’t appear to hurt on the surface, but can do deeper damage below. The more I head down this path, the more I begin to understand what she told me. The more I start to examine things differently (even within myself and my own thinking) the more the world begins to shift. All I can really say is that it’s interesting how the perspective changes.

 
 

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The Wave Rises

Last weekend was another therapy session. This time we were in the new office. It was nice to have a change in scenery.

We started the session off by discussing our new apartment. There are issues with the apartment that me and my SO have issue with, and she discussed with me how there is perfection in imperfection. Sometimes, we try so hard to create this pretty picture that is in our head, and in so doing, we end up making things even worse. Which I can understand. Luckily, my SO has gotten a bit more laid back about the state of the apt. Hopefully that will be resolved soon.

After discussing that, I brought up a topic that has been bothering me for a long time now. It’s some weird ‘ailment’ that I’ve had since I was probably a child, but I’ve learned to ignore it more or less. On 3-11, I went to a film screening relating to the Great East quake in Japan. It was a documentary not only showing footage during the tsunami, but also showed how Japan and the Japanese have dealt with the loss and destruction that was wrought. It was painfully sad to watch, yet inspiring in other ways. I knew before going that I might have an issue with it. That I might have an emotional breakdown in the middle of the theatre. However, I went anyways. I went for a friend, and I was kinda interested in seeing what the movie was about.

And in retrospect, I am glad I went, and I regret that I went. It was very bitter sweet, the whole thing. I am glad for what the movie gave me- which is perspective. It showed me how I should be grateful for more. How many of us are missing the point entirely. We are so caught up in all of these physical trappings… and for what? To watch these people’s lives completely torn apart by this huge wave… it really shifted how I view things. In the documentary, there was a guy who lost his life over his car. Instead of running up the mountainside with his friend (to escape the ever rising wave), he ran back to he new car- because it was new and expensive. And this guy watched his best friend die. Over a car. I think this really embodies what a lot of people I know are like. We are so caught up in our stuff, we miss the real meaning of being here.

So for that, I am glad I went.

However, the first 5 – 10 minutes of the movie is real footage that a group of Japanese captured from a hillside. You watch this water roll in. And roll in. And roll in some more. You think it’s going to stop, but it never does. You listen to these people screaming for their lost family members (because they know that their family members are now under that water somewhere). You watch these people running up the hill to try and get away, only to have them sucked up by the wave. It leaves a mark. It left such a mark on me, I can’t even think about it without getting upset.

And it is this that I wanted to talk to her about. For many many many years now, I’ve had an issue where I have these waves of overpowering emotions. Sometimes it will be triggered by a movie such as this, or it will be triggered by something as simple as a song on the radio (some of which are not sad songs, and other songs I don’t even know the words to, yet I have a reaction). Other times, I will have this wave while reading an article in the newspaper (and sometimes the articles aren’t sad, or it’s a happy spin on a sad story). People can tell me stories, and I get upset. And I mean really upset. And while I’m sure that everyone else in that theatre was sad to see that movie, I would be surprised if many of them shed tears over it nearly every day for the week following.

When I told her about this issue I have, she told me that I have extreme empathy (specifically, extreme empathy for pain and suffering). I have no clue if this is what I have. Most people I know with empathy react to people around them. They feel the emotions around them, or people they are close to… and I don’t know if that’s what I’ve got. It almost seems that anything with a strong emotional background or footprint makes me react. I wish it wouldn’t. It’s debilitating. She continued this by saying that everything is controlled by karma. The bad has to balance out the good. And that until I could really accept the balance, I would continue to have problems. Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel about that. I can’t justify killing 15,000 people with a tsunami. I don’t care who they were in their past lives. I do believe that bad things happen. Sometimes they happen for good reasons (to cause good changes in the world) and sometimes they just happen without any reason at all. I also grasp that in order for life to continue, things have to ultimately die, or be destroyed. Art is all about destruction and creation. And in order to fuel my body, I must kill things (plant, animal or otherwise). So I understand this exchange, but I don’t know what part it plays in my emotional roller coaster. Nor what to do about it.

After we discussed that, we started the hypnosis. It was to help me calm down and to realize that I need to take a break and have me time from time to time. I honestly don’t remember a whole lot about it. I didn’t zonk out for this hypnosis, but I don’t remember a lot of imagery being associated with it. I remember the key part of the hypnosis was to breath. When things start to upset me, I need to breath. Which is easier said than done. Specifically, I need to breath and count to ten. Long breaths, so it’s more like counting to 30.

My other homework assignment was to look at my relationship. To see how we complete each other, how we play off of one another. How we push each other to grow, etc. I have a basis for this (I know there are a lot of ways in which my SO has caused me to grow and change for the better), but I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be looking at it from another angle, or something else. I imagine it’ll become clearer in time.

 
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Posted by on March 19, 2012 in Astral, Crack, Hypnosis & Inner Work

 

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Overwhelm

I don’t know if you know this about me, but I am tired. All the time. I wake up tired, I go to bed tired. I spend most of my day tired. It’s pretty much a way of life for me. And due to all of this tiredness, I spend a lot of my time in a daze. I find it hard to follow conversations. It’s hard to read. Hard to think. It’s a wonder I get anything done because I’m always so damned tired.

We discussed this a bit in therapy last week. More precisely, we discussed how I feel overwhelmed. Like I have too much to do, and too little time to do it in. How I feel like I’m always running, and I stop briefly to sleep, only to wake up running again. This isn’t a new problem for me. It’s something that has been going on since high school, or maybe even earlier. This constant motion. This constant feeling of exhaustion.

For many years, I thought that my exhaustion was laziness. In fact, not too long ago I told my SO that deep down I was lazy. Yes, there are things I want to do, but I really am lazy deep down, because I don’t want to do them. I force myself to do things, but I’d rather do nothing at all.

Because I’m so lazy.

And for a couple of weeks, it became a joke. I’m so lazy, ha ha ha. I don’t want to do this, I really don’t have the motivation to do that, either. I’m so lazy. But then one day, I heard a response from who knows where. Whoever or whatever it was told me “You are not lazy. You are exhausted.” I then got the distinct feeling that I was not to refer to myself as lazy again, for fear that some lightning bolt would come down from the sky and kill me on the spot.

After my discussion with my therapist this past weekend, I am believing more and more that I am not lazy. I am exhausted. And now I need to fix that.

The conversation started with me talking about how I’m overwhelmed. I spend my mornings rushing to get ready so I can rush to get into traffic. I then rush from my car to my office so that I can hurry up and get on with my daily tasks. Once the day is over, I hurry up and rush over to pick people up and rush home to try and get everything else I want to do in. Dinner. Chores. Hobbies. Other crap I need to do. And then I have to hurry up and go to bed so that I can do it all over again the next day.

She looked at me and more or less said that I have bad time management. I want to fit all of my 10 hobbies into an evening, every evening, and that doesn’t work. That I want to do 5 things at once, and I can’t (or shouldn’t). But the real crux of everything is that I feel like I have to do these things. Really, on any given day, I have a few tasks I need to get done at night. They involve eating (she wouldn’t let me skip this), cleaning up, showering, and sleeping. Surely I can get that done in my 4-5 hour window after work, right?

Well of course I could. But then I’d rag and nag on myself about how I didn’t get this done. I didn’t do that. Oh I forgot I need to get this thing done, too. I have such a long laundry list of things do to, I’m mentally killing myself because I’m not doing it all all the time. It’s like I can’t stand myself if I’m not being productive 24/7. My expectations of myself are too high.

The more I thought about that, the more I see it in some of my family members. My grandmother never let me laze around in the middle of summer. Oh sure, I’d try. But she’d nag on me until I got up and did something. She’d make watching tv miserable. And god forbid you watch something ‘stupid’ like cartoons. Perhaps that’s where the trend started. Perhaps it’s engrained into our very society to always be moving forward. It’s like a badge of honor to work 80 hours a week in the US. It’s almost a crime if we’re not constantly trying to move up the ladder – or cutting ourselves off at the knees.

My homework this time around was to get another journal (heh) and monitor my thoughts – specifically starting after I get off work. Notice how many times my brain says “you need to do this, you need to do that”. To notice my laundry list and how it grows. When I get home, I should make a list of what I HAVE to do (sleep, eat, etc) and what I WANT to do (read, sew, blog, surf, save the world). Then, I am to monitor my energy levels (from 1 – 5) and see if I have the energy to do anything, or if I should do the bare bones and go to bed. From there, I need to write down what I have actually done. In the end, this is supposed to help me do less, to monitor my time better, and to really keep track of where I am at.

So far, it seems to be helping. I’m not sure if it’s the journal that’s helping, or the fact that my therapist is more or less holding me accountable. In the past two days since therapy, I have done significantly less in the evenings, and I’ve managed to go to bed before 9 both nights. She told me that if she had to make me do nothing in order to help me balance out my evenings and my energy, then so be it. So far, I feel like I’ve not accomplished much, and I’m noticing how quickly time disappears with just one task. It’s no wonder I felt like I was rushing. However, I know that this issue with take a while to right itself. This isn’t something that will change in a week.

This week’s hypnosis wasn’t much. You were to start at the top of a 10 story building. This building was the “building of relaxation”. You then hopped in an elevator and rode down into the basement. When the doors opened, you were to walk down this hall as things were read off to you. The hall was pretty dimly lit. There was a row of lights in the center of the ceiling, but nothing more. Part way through, it became a challenge to focus on the hallway anymore.

We did another blessing. The vision wasn’t as potent this time. My therapist believes that it’s a vision of a past life where one parent was mentally absent (aka paid no attn to me) and the other was attentive while home, but spent a lot of time away from home at work. That the place is full of sadness and I spent most of my time on the porch watching for my father to come home. She feels that the emotions that are present in that vision (and were present in that lifetime) are tied to my want to constantly be moving. That on a subconscious level, I feel those emotions, and when I do nothing, they start to poke through. Therefore, to drown that out, I do stuff.

On some levels that makes sense. I guess I’ll have to see how things change with that vision as I continue to progress.

Stepping back has been challenging for me already. However, I look forward to the ability to have more energy and to feel like I’m actually awake in my daily life, instead of always being in a haze.

 
 

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The Gratitude of Uniqueness

I had another therapy session this past weekend. This time we discussed who I am, who I am not, and my attitude towards both of these. I have issues with who I am a lot of days. My therapist worded it as a sickness. That I seem to consider my traits to be some illness that I need to medicate or chase away (to which she said that my traits are not the problem, but my attitude towards my traits is). And sometimes this is very true. I always consider myself as the square peg in the round hole. The oddball. The monkey wrench in everyone’s plans. I often tell people that I was born ‘in the wrong place, in the wrong time’. I feel like almost everything about myself is just a bit weird or out of synch, and that those aspects of myself make it hard for me to get along with anyone, to fit in with society, coworkers, friends… you name it.

And of course, my rough and tumble reputation on the forums and other stereotypes and ideas about “who I am” that follow me like lost puppies throughout the years doesn’t help this idea. It’s really a mess when you get down to it.

To complicate this matter even further, I have an ego the size of a house. I love myself. I am god’s gift to man some days. I am the awesomest person you ever met. And if you don’t recognize it, well god cries for you. Seriously. And it really depends on the day and the group of people I’m around as to whether I hate myself, or love myself. As always, the two extremes.

Much like S and O, really.

Well apparently this business isn’t good for me.  This I love me I hate me… I can’t make up my mind… type thing doesn’t do me a lot of good. And it would seem that despite my egotistical nature from time to time, at my core, I really don’t like myself. I have a lot of issues with who I am and where I stand within my society. So this is what we are going to be working on next. This week’s phrase is:

I embrace and honor my uniqueness. I am grateful for who I am.

Which hurts to say. I can’t really say it. I feel fake when I say it. Like I’m lieing. Probably because I don’t see myself that way yet. Yes, I’m grateful for many of the things I can do, many of the things I have. But there is always this niggling “but” that follows. I am grateful for X, but I would prefer Y. That sort of thing. That is the root of my problem. I compare. A lot. I compare what I have, what you have, what she has, what they have, and what I think I should have. And if you aren’t the sort of person who does this, you are very lucky. Because when you compare yourself to others, you’re setting yourself up for failure. There will always be someone with something more. With more money, more women, more smarts, more looks. Much like with the RPG reference before, you can’t level up in everything. You can’t be a master mage, warrior and thief all at once. You will always have your limits. Things that you are predisposed to being able to do well. And other things that you will just never ever do well.

And that’s okay, honestly. Unless you’re me, it would seem.

And so I’m always looking at the other dog’s bone. Looking at how small mine is, and it always leaves me unsatisfied. If you are always comparing, you will always have a hole to fill. A gap that needs tending to. There will always be something. That something is s big problem for me. It’s keeping me from really seeing the bigger picture.

The second phrase that came up for this week is:

I deal with my pain and I stop giving in to my life depleting habits.

I have some horrible habits that allow me to deal with stress. I eat out, a lot. It relaxes (and stresses) me. When I get stressed, I crave fatty foods. Fries. Chicken nuggets. Chocolate. Coffee. Tea. Things that are bad for me (in excess). I know I need to stop this. I know I need to deal with everything under the surface. So I imagine this will all play together over the next few sessions. Ultimately working towards a goal of me being balanced, happy and not killing myself slowly with McDonalds.

This week’s hypnosis was called… gender balancing, or something to that accord. She had me go into a blank space and view two vortexes of energy. One masculine. One feminine. I was to view them how they are now. For me, I put the masculine on the right, and the feminine on the left. Masculine energy was red, Fem was blue. The Masculine energy was large. A huge tornado that tried to consume me multiple times. It had lightning styled bolts that would come out of it. It was a huge storm, really. The feminine energy was more like a water tornado. It was compact, well formed and smaller than the Masculine side. It did not try to take me over.

Then, I was to visualize how these energies should be. So I made the Feminine bigger, the Masculine smaller. I made the Masculine more compact and well formed. Eradicating the lightning and all of that. Making them almost mirror images of each other. After that, I was to merge them. So I did and they became this huge tornado of varying blues and reds. The form of the tornado became more wobbly. It wasn’t that it was unstable, but it was no longer a straight line, it curved.

And finally, I was to mesh with the vortex. In the hypnosis, it was stated to have the vortex start at your crown and work it’s way down, but I decided to just walk straight into the tornado, and combine my stuff that way.

The experience was interesting. The visualizations were very clear for me. I have been told that we will probably be doing this one multiple times. That it will take time to balance out my two halves, to even out my inner turmoil, which I expected. Afterwards, we did another blessing. And again, I ended up on the same porch with the same furin and the same windy grass. The only difference was that I saw a figure on the horizon this time. I’m not sure who or what he was. But he was there.

I didn’t get much homework this time. I am to continue my studies on gratitude. To try and really understand it better. And more than mentally understanding it, I need to feel it. Because it’s not something you can really think through it’s something you experience. And quite frankly, I don’t experience it enough. I’m kind of at a dead end with where to go on this front, but I’m sure I’ll come up with something. Talk to more people, read more articles. Eventually, the pieces will come together.

 
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Posted by on February 22, 2012 in Astral, Crack, Hypnosis & Inner Work

 

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Creating with Words

I had another therapy session this past weekend. I feel like things are finally coming into place.

We discussed the source of my anger in this session, along with how my anger influences my speech, which in turn will influence my life. I talked to her about when my anger really started and in some ways how I have yet to completely come to terms with it (though it has gotten better). The lay offs of my past, the money that was lost, the foundations that slipped and the eventual move in to my parents all laid the ground work for my situation now. Of course, what really was the problem was my attitude towards things. As I told her about the trials of this era in my life, she noted that I used a lot of negative words. Words like hate, frustrating, irritating, crap, etc. She told me that these words, and my constant use of these words, creates a never ending problem for me.

She explained it to me that the universe gives us what we think about most. It doesn’t know whether we love or hate these things. It merely gives us more of what we focus on. I consider this to be like poles on a magnet. I don’t know which pole is which, I just know that the magnets attract together. So every time I use words like hate, dislike, frustrating- I bring more hatred, more dislike and more frustration into my life. Of course, I don’t have to verbally say these words to enact that- merely thinking this way causes the attraction. And thus the cycle repeats.

My phrase for this week is:

I am careful with my choice in words because it creates my reality.

This whole concept should really be a no brainer for me. Kemeticism and Shintoism both promote words and the pronunciation of words as being divine. Words are not to be taken lightly, and the words that we use can manifest into our lives (aka heka). So why I haven’t tried to nip this in the bud earlier is beyond me. When I was telling her about how Kemeticism and Shinto both state that words are divine and magical, she looked me in the eye and told me that words have souls. Recently, I remember seeing a question for Tamara on HoN, asking if words or glyphs had netjeri in them. I believe her answer was more or less a ‘yes’. So once again, more reasons to watch my words. Plus, the things that we say on the internet are ever more important- because this is all people have to judge us on. You can’t see me, read my face or my body language. All you have are my words. And my words need to be clear if you are to understand what I’m trying to get across. Words are more important than we give them credit for.

In order to fix this, she asked me to do two things:

  1. Any time that I have a negative feeling or thought about anyone or anything, I am to write it down into a journal.
  2. I am to write 10 things every day that I am grateful for.

In order to help repattern my brain, I need to look at all of the negativity I bring to myself daily. I need to examine it and see why I’m thinking this way, and then learn to accept the things I can’t change, or work towards solutions to things that I can. The 10 items of gratefulness are to help bring more positive into my life.

I am also to start looking into how gratefulness plays into Shinto and Kemetic practice. I will evaluate it and see how I can apply it to my life. Much like how I did with unconditional love.

The hypnosis for this week involved looking into my past lives to help figure out why I’m here. She told me that some part of me can’t understand why I’m here. That things are different, or aren’t quite the same as in the past, and I’m having difficulties grasping what it is I am here to do, etc. In the meditation, she had me go into a hall of records. Mine was a round room. Almost like a tall dome. Around the outer walls were tons of files. There were files up to the ceiling. In the center of the room, there was a big round pillar. There is also a circular countertop or table top that runs through the pillar. This table had even more files and books on it. The hypnosis had me go and gather files that I might need. I ran around and grabbed a whole bunch of them from various areas. I then held these to my chest, and a light came forth. I more or less stood there in the light until my brain told me to get up and return to being awake.

I seem to like to spew light from my chest.

I guess these things are supposed to help calm me down on a subconscious level. To help me figure out the missing pieces. I have no clue if it’s done much for me yet. I think she wants me to go back in there to dig for a specific book, though I don’t know that doing so does much. She told me the book that comes to mind for her. I can picture it, but I can’t really open it, or read it’s contents. The room I visited in the hypnosis I have seen and visited before.

So that was my session. I went and bought two books to write my stuff down in. A larger grey book for my anger, and a small little yellow book for my gratefulness. The anger book I may eventually destroy once it is full thereby releasing the anger. Almost like an execration rite. The yellow book I’ll keep, more than likely.

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2012 in Astral, Crack, Hypnosis & Inner Work

 

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Proactively Irritating

I went to another session of therapy this past weekend. This time we focused on me letting go. Of lots of things. Things that bother me, things that I can’t control, things that I want to control… I guess a lot more bothers me than I give credit for. The moral of the session was:

I will be proactive in finding solutions to things that irritate me.

Or something to that effect. We talked about some of the small stuff that bugs me on a daily basis. Such as getting to bed late, getting up later, not eating in, not leaving on time… small stuff that slowly grinds on me – sometimes on a subconscious level. I was asked to talk with my other about how we could fix some of these issues and to come up with a game plan. I have done so and here is the general gist of what we’re going to do.

  • We need to get up within the first 2 alarms. No more of this snooze game stuff. Get up.
  • Be more active in packing our lunches the day before so that we aren’t wasting time in the morning.
  • Ditto for dishes- get them done the night before.
  • Think of smaller, easier things to eat for breakfast to free up time.
  • I need to work on cooking so that I can help with making food in the mornings and the evenings.
  • Get off the internet sooner in the evenings so that we get to bed sooner.
  • Stick to it.

None of this stuff is incredibly new, but she is holding me to my shit- which really makes me want to stick to it. I guess you could say she’s holding me accountable. Which I need. She also called me out on my shit in regards to cooking. Telling me that I need to do it. Which I knew. I know why I don’t cook, and it’s stupid, but I’ve been allowed to get away with it for so long, so I went with it anyways as dishonorable as that is. And really, it boils down to fear. I was scared to cook and get made fun of, or to have people hate it. It’s a weird fear that developed in my youth with my family and is now going to be broken, because it has to be broken. I figure if I can bake complex loaves of bread, I can make regular food. I just need to get over this stupid fear of mine. So that shall be interesting.

The hypnosis was something like the world bridge or dream bridge… it had a name. In it, I floated up over the Earth and visualized an identical planet next to it, a planet that was perfect. For me, the mirror planet looked like some weird iridescent ball that you could see through. I had to see a bridge connecting the two (some weird white arced light) and walk from one to the other. In that world, I was to walk down the street and see my house (heavy Japanese influence). I walked inside of my perfect house (also Japanese influenced) and sat around in it, feeling comfortable. I then had to go into a room that was my ‘purpose’. The room had white walls (makes me think of shoji screen, perhaps) and tatami floors (whole house did). In it, there were two shrines, one on each wall. I couldn’t really define anything, but I know what it was supposed to be. I think there was a desk in there, too. This is apparently my purpose. Before I could really think about it, I was pulled out of that world and put back in this one. I imagine the point is to try and bring the perfect world and this world into one over time.

We then did another blessing. Once again, as soon as she went into song, I found myself on that porch, furin ringing and the grass blowing. Slowly, my mind shifted to sitting in front of a campfire in the middle of the night. I really wish I knew what was up with that porch.

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2012 in Astral, Crack, Hypnosis & Inner Work

 

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Writing with a Purpose

Saturday I had another round of hypnosis. This time we talked about the pains in my throat, the source of my acid, and how I tend to punish my body when people upset/hurt me. Beyond that, we discussed the future, where things lie- and the paths I should take in order to better myself in the future.

She told me I should focus on writing. Here, to be more specific. That this would be my avenue to create the changes that I want, to make the the impact that I desire.

However, I need to be more selective in this. I need to be more aware of what I say here. My sentence structure. My message. She more or less called it my responsibility to make sure that I am coming from the right place when I write, otherwise the message and the point get lost. And I suppose I end up where I already am- with a hit and miss reputation and response from the people I interact with online.

This week’s discussion came with two assignments. First, I am to read on how to write better (specifically in the blog realm). This way I am better with my words and my message becomes clearer. The second was to find how and if Unconditional Love plays into the Kemetic religion. I am to research it and write a blog entry about it here for all of you to read.

She feels that discovering UCL in Kemeticism will help me somehow. Help me tie things together, to create a common link with the two halves of myself and the two main practices I follow. It will be interesting to see what this uncovers. I think it’s possible that UCL does exist within Kemeticism- but it’s certainly not focused on if it does.

This week’s hypnosis dealt with creativity. There wasn’t a whole lot of strong imagery. I remember sitting on the beach, staring off. Not much else. Afterwards, she did a blessing, which involved song. That was certainly a different experience. The reverb, the feelings that came from the music… very strong. It made me think of an opera singer breaking glasses and stuff with her voice. The imagery that came to me were bright colors, saturated colors, and jewel tones. I found myself back in a common place I visit in visions. It’s a porch of some kind. I look out and see waving grass- as far as the eye can see. It’s a yellow-ish color and it sways in the breeze. To my upper left is a furin ringing in the wind. Usually, I get the feeling of bitter sweet. I’ve not been able to figure out what this place is or what it means. But it came to me during her song.

This week was different and was less traumatic than last. It gave me more direction and more hope for the future. I came out of it less drained and more motivated. I can’t wait to see where this takes me.

 

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Waves and Dreams

Last night, I had a dream. I was by the ocean. Next to the ocean was a shrine (or so I told myself in my dream). It was an odd shape. It was tall, like 5 stories tall. It was round, and almost conical shape. There were hundreds of stairs leading from the beach to the top. They were made of a black stone. Everywhere else on this cone was this light grey stone. At the top, there was a shrine made of wood. Beneath the shrine, and above all of the rock, there was sand. I remember sitting on the wooden floor, and dangling my feet over (something I would never do in real life. Too scared of heights). The guy who ran the place told me not to touch the sand. AKA not to destroy or mess up his sand.

I don’t really remember what the shrine itself was like. It, too, was circular. I think it had something in the middle- maybe a bell. There was a canopy of some kind, to protect from the elements, perhaps. After I had been there for a while, the Main Guy, an assistant and I were walking around back- away from the ocean. I turn to look over, and the sun is blazing- sunset. The waves start to crest up. The water was higher than where the sun was- you could see the light through the waves. It was such a vivid appearance. There was a plane that was coming our direction, some little puddle jumper. The wave nearly clipped it- but the plane did make it through, coming right over us and continuing on. I continued to watch these waves. They got larger and larger. Rivaling where we were in height. I remember as this was going on, that I needed to remember this dream. As the waves got even higher, I was thinking something… repeating something. But I can’t remember what. Suddenly, the light goes out, the waves crash over us, and I completely black out.

Next thing I see, I’m sitting in this shrine, floating on the water. I look out to see the conical base sans the wood topper on the beach. There are people looking for us.

I’m not really sure what this dream means. It reminds me of another dream I had- where I was in a dated house, from the 20’s or so. I was with a black family, we lived in the middle of farmland. Suddenly, waves over took us, and we were holding onto the house to survive. It’s very similar to that. The waves in both dreams were very very vivid. But this time, the coloration was different. I usually take waves and water to be emotions. So that emotions are overtaking me (and perhaps those around me). The sand is interesting, because it’s a purifier. Normally, they say not to build things on sand (because of it’s unstable nature), however in this case- it’s possible that the sand saved us. Had the shrine been attached to the base, we would have all been sucked out of the structure and drug out to sea. The fact that it’s a shrine also seems important somehow, though I’m not sure what.

As always, any thoughts or ideas is welcome.

I hope you guys don’t mind me talking about my health, but I wanted to have a place to post my hypnotherapy stuff. I want to keep track of my progress somewhere, and here is as good a place as any.

Some of you may remember me discussing my health issues a year back. Well, they’re still around, and I’ve been working with non-conventional ways to get rid of them (read: not a Western medicine doctor). My current doctor feels that acupuncture isn’t working, and recommended that I try the hypnotherapy for a bit. So here I am. Today I had my first session and I really really feel that this is in line with what O would want me to do. I almost feel that his work is almost too much for me to do by myself- and that working through this stuff with a helper is my best bet. So that is what I’m aiming to do.

Today we discussed a plethora of things. My relationship, my lack of social life, my religious practices, my food problems. And of course, my stress. I apparently need to learn to love myself more and I need to change my perceptions of my life and how others view me. I always feel out of place, like no one likes me. I always feel like I’m the square peg in the round hole. If what I’m understanding from her, it’s just that I’ve met round people, not square people (for the most part). That there is nothing wrong with me for being me, and that I need to accept that somehow.

I imagine this will take a lot of work, but I’m willing to go the long haul if it helps me overall. I need to figure this stuff out, because it’s not going to go away on its own. So I look forward to whatever this might bring.

Today’s hypnosis dealt with self love. In the hypnosis, she talked about seeing my inner love, my inner self. And giving this inner love and self… useless stuff, bad stuff- and letting my inner loving me purify it (you’re not supposed to focus heavily on what she says… so it’s a bit furry). I remember standing across from a me… I remember me having hakama on, of all things; along with a sword and a high pony tail (I would have sworn I fell out of Kenshin). The other me had long, blonde hair. There was glowing light, and I couldn’t see much. I remember giving her.. stuff. I remember one of my things was wrapped like a present. After I’d give her things, she’d have me flip my hands over, she’d hold onto them, and I’d glow. It was really weird.

So yes, that’s it for now. I’ll try and post these visits as I have them, so that I have a record of them. They’ll be getting their own Hypnosis tag.

 

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