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The Page Turns

This past weekend marked my last therapy visit. I had thought long and hard over the past two weeks about what I would do in regards to therapy, and currently I feel that I need to focus on my physical problems. And once my physical issues are sorted out, I can begin to work on my innards again. I explained my stance to my therapist, and she seemed to understand and support my decision. While I’m sure on some levels she wishes I would have tried the route she suggested, I feel that this is the path I must take. To go any other way besides this would not be true to myself. And above all, I try to stay true to me.

So to fill some of you in, I believe I have narrowed down (finally!) what is wrong with me. In the past month since I have moved, I have begun to eat better and better. And by better, I mean I’m not eating McDonalds every night. As I cleaned up my diet, I began to see more patterns in my body’s reaction to food. I noticed that vegetables hurt my stomach horribly. I learned that noodles still didn’t sit well. Things like that. And so I turned to the Internet again, as I always do, to see if I could find something that linked all of these things. And ironically, there is something that is a common theme:

Fructose.

There is something called Fructose Malabsorption. Basically, it means that your body doesn’t absorb the fructose like it should. And so the fructose travels down into the lower parts of your digestive tract where all of your little bacteria can munch on it. These bacteria eat the fructose, and begin to create waste- which is usually in the form of a gas. This gas creates bloating, gas, and pain (among other things- people’s symptoms run the gamut). The more fructose you feed these guys, the more they procreate, and next thing you know, your gut is overrun with them. If not kept in check, the condition can lead to vitamin and mineral deficiencies, apparently.

The good news for this is, after only a few weeks without fructose, I feel a TON better. The bad news is, everything has fructose in it. Most vegetables, most fruits. Wheat. Brown rice. Agave. Honey. Garlic. All sorts of stuff. So finding things to eat has been a challenge. And the next step for me will be to see a dietician/nutritionist to ensure that I am able to get enough nutrients. And from there, I’m not sure what I will do. But hopefully there will be an upward trend for my health.

In regards to therapy, I am very glad that I went. I learned a lot about myself in the past 6 months, and I feel like my horizons have been broadened. I no longer approach things in the same way that I did before, and I think overall it’s been a good shift for me. For anyone considering hypnosis or therapy, I’d tell them to go for it. Just to make sure you have a therapist that you meld with, and that you can trust them. Because if you lack trust, your sessions won’t be nearly as fulfilling. Hypnosis has done me wonders with focus and meditation. I can now walk through the beginnings of the hypnosis my therapist would walk me through every session, and enter into the same state where I can begin to work on things. It’s really interesting.

I’m really excited to see how this will change things for me. The possibility of being able to function normally, and not be in pain on a regular basis is an awesome thought for me. And while I’m sad to see therapy go (for the time being) I do look forward to seeing where this next branch will take me.

 

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The Joy of Eating.

Last night was interesting for me.

I went to bed early, as I have been instructed to do (as per this post). I had created a list of things I needed to do this weekend before I laid down in an effort to stay my mind from drilling me over all of the stuff I “should” be doing (or just flat out reminding me of what I need to do in the coming days despite the fact that I have told my brain time and time again that I’ve got it covered). I laid there for a bit, and as my mind traveled, it wandered to one of the worst topics it could find for sleeping – money and food.

It is easy to see how my brain got there. It was telling me about how I needed to call the power company before our move-in date. Then it told me how sad it was that I hadn’t had the chance to work on the laundry list my second job has given me so that I would have cushion to pay my move-in fees. And then it had to throw in “and you’ve eaten out so much, it’s not like you’ve saved any money there either”.

And in a single moment, a dam had broken in my mind. Suddenly, there was the roar of hundreds or thousands of mes chasing down this topic. It was deafening in my mind listening to all of this rabble about what I eat, how I should eat, how I’m killing our bank account, how I should be better, how I should stop, how I could stop… on and on and on and on.

Eventually, I got so frustrated with the roar, I decided to get up. I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I had let my Other know what was up, and he dropped what he was doing to sit with me. I don’t know what had snapped in my mind, but as he prepped a pot of tea for me to drink, I sat on the floor and let tears fall. I don’t really know where they were coming from, but they came and I didn’t have any real reason to stop them. In retrospect it really feels like something ‘broke’. Almost like I hit a level, or reached the next level, or uncovered something in my brain… something, and now all hell has broken loose. It’s like I’ve fixed the first layer of issues, and now my brain has decided it wants to go deeper. And ironically in a matter of a few hours, my body went from feeling great to feeling like it used to- in pain and not cooperating with me. Ironic how the mind can effect our health.

I’ve run my brain over this a million times, and I want to post it here – partially to get my thoughts in order, and partially to see if anyone has any effing clue as to what I could be doing about this.

As most of you probably know, I have problems with food. I use it to medicate, to fill holes. I have discussed it off and on with my therapist, but I have yet to really figure out the trick to eating in, or eating better. I can tell myself until I’m blue in the face that I need to this or that, but in the end, I have yet to ‘will’ myself into doing what I seemingly feel I should be doing (and my therapy seems to imply that the key to dealing with this issue is to face my pain, to deal with my pain. Too bad I’m not sure what that pain is, or how to deal with it). So based off of last night, here is what I sorta have figured out. This might include stronger language, words that my therapist would probably tell me not to say or think about myself. But honestly, I think something gets lost when I filter out the real strength of the emotions I feel regarding this. So I’m leaving those words in. Here goes.

What I have figured out –

I have figured out that my eating is strongly related to stress. When I get stressed, I suddenly want to eat out more. Lots more. I’ve figured out that, in relation to last week’s session about expectations about myself (and what I feel I should be doing or need to be doing at any given moment) that I have a LOT of expectations about what I feel I should be eating. And when I do eat out, I really down on myself for doing so. I’ve had to learn to not spew this out, because it makes my SO feel like crap as well. He feels cock blocked because if he makes me eat in, and eat things I don’t want to eat, I’m a bear to him. And if he lets me eat out, I turn the whole event into some shit fest about how “we really need to get this under control”. It’s pretty much lose lose for both of us. And while I’m curbing how much of it he sees, I’m still thinking it to myself.

This brought me to an interesting idea this past week as we were on our way to go eat out. Something I’ve been learning in therapy is that everything (generally speaking) is a choice. No one forces food in my mouth. I choose to eat out. And despite all of my talk about owning up to decisions (such as in the Cliff post), I am horrible at owning up to the fact that I eat out. Sure, I’ll tell you about how we do it all the time, but I will rarely take responsibility while I’m in the act of doing it. This has to stop. As I read what little I could find about eating in more, I found an interesting article (here) about how the first step is to give yourself permission to eat. And really, I don’t. I completely down on myself for eating out. One could go so far to say I hate myself when I eat out.

And I eat out pretty damned often. So put those two together.

So I know there is a lot of ground in purely knowing these few things. I know my mentality towards food has to change. Food is necessary, and once upon a time I loved to eat. However, that has shifted to thinking that food is a chore, and I can say that most of the stuff I eat isn’t very yummy to me. My range of foods that I like (and can eat) has dropped significantly in recent years, and it is stunting my ability to find foods that I can make at home or even buy at restaurants. It’s really frustrating. I know that deep down I could probably force myself to eat things I don’t like, but realistically it’s not effective. I’ve done the whole ‘make a menu for the week’ thing, and if I get home and don’t like what I’ve slated for that day, I decide I don’t want that, and I eat out. And anymore, I can’t find 7 meals to string together for dinners… and that’s an issue too.

I mean, I’ve got a whole shelf of recipe books and I can honestly flip through them and say that nothing sounds very appealing. Am I just being a spoiled 5 year old who needs to be forced to eat things? Or is it something deeper? Of course, most of the cuisine that I was raised on either sends me into a comatose state after eating (meat and potatoes) or sends my stomach reeling due to an obscene amount of grease. Or both. And I have yet to find any niche or genre of foods that doesn’t contain things that set my stomach off or are actually tasty. There are a lot of healthy foods that I do like, but I have yet to find good ways to prepare them so that I will enjoy them.

I’ve looked into other alternatives for eating in as well. I’ve looked into having meals delivered to my home. I’ve looked into cooking meals in other locations, and bringing them home. However, most of the meals rely heavily on foods I shouldn’t be eating (such as tomatoes), that I don’t want to eat (meat) or are more expensive than what I’m already spending per week – despite the eating out. We’ve looked into pre-cooking meals and freezing them (to no avail, and lack of space to boot). We’ve tried to make simpler meals. More complicated meals. We’ve tried buying more food, less food. We even went so far to try and buy junk food for me to eat in the house (so that I wouldn’t go out and buy junk fast food to eat). Turns out the junk food that’s in the house tastes worse and makes me ill. Go figure.

I even began to blog about things I’m cooking at home to try and bring myself to want to cook more. While I’m more able to maintain a level head when I’m hungry and I’m enjoying the learning of cooking (slow as it may be), I’m still having problems with finding things I want to eat. Even now, I know I need to find recipes for next week, and currently I have no idea what I will be cooking. Nothing sounds good.

To say I’m at my wits end doesn’t really cover it. And what is most ironic about this, I know that my stressing about the situation only makes the situation that much worse. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, and many days I wonder if the key to eating in general is to not care where I get the food from, but to just enjoy eating again.

Too bad I have no idea how to turn my brain off so that I can do that.

 

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Filling the Storehouse of the Gods

As many of you know, I have been using Re-Ment to supplement what I offer to the gods (an idea I took from this person). Due to my stomach issues and my fritzy schedule, I’ve been adding these miniatures to my routine- allowing the gods not to starve and me not to get so stressed over what to offer at 5 in the morning.

Up until recently, I only had a few pieces of Re-Ment to my name. Two cakes, 4 rolls, and 6 plates of food. While that sounds like quite a bit, I’m sure Set and O were getting tired of the same rotation day after day. So my SO set out to get me as much Re-Ment as he could. He ended up getting a lot batch of the stuff… which is a lot. Here are some pictures of the new stuff!

And overall shot of all of the stuff set out, as per what the pictures in the box look like.

There are muffins, tea sets, hot pots, pizza… you name it. Chocolate. Fruit. Ice cream. Crepes. Bagels. Rare beef. Beer. Cookies… a little bit of everything.

I particularly like some of the trays that come with these sets. It makes a nice setup for arranging the food for the gods. Sometimes each god gets their own tray. Other days, I make mass trays with tons of different foods on them, and let the gods duke out who gets what.

Most of these pieces have a lot of detail work to them. Pouches for chopsticks… individual grains for rice. Different types of coloration for the soups and drinks. It does look good enough to eat!

I love these cat eggs.

Now in some ways, this created a huge logistics/storage problem for me. I don’t have a lot of space for shrine implements right now. So I racked my brains for a few days (almost a week, really) trying to figure out where I was going to store all of this awesomeness. It would need to be organized somehow. Otherwise, I wouldn’t know how or where to find different food bits, and it would create issues in the morning. After a lot of thinking, I decided I would try and store them in the bottom drawer of my shrine case (an old silverware box). In order to keep things organized, I created boxes out of scrapbook paper.

Organized!

So there you have it. Lots and lots of Re-Ment. I think the gods will have more than enough variety for a while now 🙂 If any of you see anything you OMG WANT, let me know. I might be willing to part with it, as there is more here than I will probably need, and I have a feeling that some pieces the gods may not like.

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2012 in Kemeticism

 

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