Tag Archives: cycle series

The Cycle: Making the Halves Whole


Let’s go back to Set for a minute. I mentioned back in the first post that Set had given me instructions about making my halves whole. He was never very specific about what he meant by this. I took it to mean something fairly ‘fortune cookie’ in nature. Quit being at war with yourself. Make peace with yourself. Make your dark and light sides balance… make that stuff whole.

Which, is partially right.

But now we’re back to layers again. And how everything has layers in Egyptian religion. And sometimes something is as straight forward as it sounds (at least on one layer or another). And in this case, Set wasn’t being entirely vague in his statement. He was being quite literal for once.

Allow me to explain.

Back in college, I ran with a group of entities on the astral. Although I’ve been only recently discussing astral stuff, I have had my fingers in the astral pie in some form or another for many years now. I had trusted these people, they were like family to me.

Well one day, something changed. I don’t entirely understand what or why, but I woke up one morning to someone that I would equate to my father standing over me. I was on the ground, unable to move. He smiled, said something about ruining me, and then slammed his whole hand into the center of my chest. The reverb was so painful- it’s one of the most painful things I’ve experienced in my life. It felt like someone had literally ran a hole punch through me. It had quite literally created a black hole in my chest. He had taken a part of me away and ran off with it.

Its because of this black hole that I stepped away from astral crap in general. I could feel that pain everywhere- waking or asleep. And over time, this darkness, this taint would seep from it. In many ways, taint is a lot like isfet. It corrodes your body, your mind, your will to do anything, and over the years, that taint began to consume me- to the point that my brain was nothing but negativity- it was this black ooze that existed in the Pit that Set sent me to. Whether Set actually sent me to the insides of the physical hole in me, or a metaphorical version- I can’t say, but the parallels are obvious (plus, who better to send me to fight something that is very isfet in nature, but the deity who is responsible for handling isfet every night). The layers of meaning and symbolism are miles thick. But there is more to this.

As I had mentioned- that person ran off with a piece of me. And then someone somehow got that piece from him, because I guess it contained something he wanted. He then took that part of myself, and beat the crap out of it- trying to get at whatever was inside. As he would do this, I would see visions and flashes of myself being bound, beat up, smacked around, you name it. And as it turns out, when Set was telling me to make my two halves whole- he was literally saying- get this part of you back. Reclaim it. Take up your pieces and make yourself whole again.

I couldn’t really appreciate that until I started to work with O in the river. Truth be told, I expected to never get that part of me back. I expected to live the rest of my life with this huge hole in me, and part of me being man handled by someone else who was out of my reach.

Turns out Set and O had other ideas, other plans. I would be useless to them long term with such a large wound in me. For them, there was no other option but to fix this.

Through the help of some other friends, I was able to have that piece of me freed and returned to me, where I drug it back to the river to be cleansed. As I had written at the time:

I’m standing on the banks of the river, and I run down to the waters edge, where this huge ball of light comes flying out of the sky and lands in my arms. Like a falling star, but much bigger. I hold this portion of me. This beat up, pathetic looking, dead, sad portion of me. I speak some words to her. Healing words. Words of happiness. As I start to enter into the water, O appears behind me, telling me its safe, and handing me my stone. I go into the center of the water and fall back. We fall into the water, and I give her more words. More peace. And slowly the water turns into blue and gold… a lot like lapis. I then see that both O and S are standing on the river banks. And after a little bit of me floating in this lapis, they come into the water, and pull me up and take me to the bank. I’m laying there, O to my right S to my left, and they are drawing stuff on me.. it glows gold. They say some stuff I don’t remember and O places his stone in my right hand and S places his stone in my left. They say some more stuff and take my arms up and clink the stones together, which causes some sort of light show on me and around me. Set tells me that the two halves are now whole. And then I’m told I should go home and rest. At which point I’m plopped back into the Room, onto the bed, soaking wet.

Suddenly, things made so much more sense. And with that, the Cycle had ended, well at least the first round had. Cycles are never ending- and as soon as you finish one, you’re just as likely to be sucked into another (which I have). This cycle took 3 years to complete, but I came out the other end much better for all of the strife I endured.

I don’t really know what the moral to this long story is, other than to keep your mind open (and that O wanted me to tell it to you). Many of us have preconceived notions on what the gods will do for us, and its entirely possible that one day you’ll wake up, and find that a god is throwing you down a rabbit hole that leads to somewhere completely different and better (and off of the history books). Many times we try to claw our way back up, instead of riding the chute down, but if you ever do find yourself being hurdled towards something crazy and different, and there just so happens to be a god along for the ride- I urge you to consider riding it out, to see where it takes you. Odds are, its somewhere filled with crack, but still pretty awesome.

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The Cycle: The River

In the middle of the desert is a river.
At the bottom of the river is a door.
On the other side of the door lies the answers to everything.
But to open the door, you have to reach it.
In order to reach it, you must get to the bottom of the river.
To get to the bottom of the river, you must die.
To die, you must drown.

In the middle of the desert is a river.

The river is a convoluted piece of work. I had begun to see the river in late 2011. However, I wasn’t in a good place to begin my work there. My stomach was in so much pain that I could barely function. My stress was through the roof. And the thought of working with Osiris and his episode at the river were almost more than I could handle. I think he sensed this, and he backed off… for a while.

Shortly before Wep Ronpet of this year, I found myself back at the river- O standing there, looking at me. He was calling me silently, asking me to come into the water with him. Telling me that it would be safe, for this is a safe place. And only through these means could things be fixed. I struggled with writing about this for months. I had written briefly when it started:

I must take my wounds and cut them open. To allow them to bleed and to heal properly this time around. Once again, Osiris leads me back to the water, he beckons me in, reminding me that this place is safe. That there is healing to be brought, and lessons to be learned. There is no way to embrace my light without facing those who told me I had no light within me. I can’t move forward unless I completely face, embrace and own my past. I have to remove the lies and see my actions, and their actions, for what they are – as well as for what they aren’t. Unfortunately, unlike a physical wound which requires one cut and waiting for the wound to empty, this will more than likely be a lot more drawn out. A lot more painful. Much like his own mythology, this process may involve tearing myself apart again so that I may be put back together properly. So that I may function correctly and as a whole person yet again.

Thus began the second half of this Cycle. A journey to the river that is laden with crack and weirdness, but ended up making me complete again. I didn’t really know what to expect. And I didn’t know where any of this was going. But I knew that only one path lay ahead- the river, and whatever lie inside of it, beyond it. Much like O staring his own death in the face- there was no avoiding it. To run would only delay the inevitable. Better to face the fear, the crazy, and jump in head long. So I took the plunge.

It started with getting rid of anger. When O managed to get me back to the river, I had amassed a huge pile of anger. And the first step was to eradicate it- which I did through the water. I’d throw water. Stomp on it. Sling it around. Hit it. And I did so for a few days- fairly non-stop (in my head). And then after a while, I realized the anger had left. I had no more left in me for that. And once the anger left, I was able to give way to acceptance and yield to the rivers movements. Only once the anger had left was I able to actually get to work.

If there is anything that seemed to symbolize the river the most, it was a piece of lapis. Every time I would show up at the river, O would place a piece of lapis in my right hand. To this day, I’m not entirely sure what it meant, but it seemed to be important. For the first few visits with him, he’d stand with me, hug me, drag me out to the center of the river, lay me back in the water, and place that lapis in my hand. I assume the initial work was healing. Preparing me for what lay ahead. Cleansing what could be cleansed in my current state.

And then the crack really started to flow.

I went through a series of visions and mental/astral adventures where I would either:
A. Find a part of myself
B. Have stones removed from me

In the case of point A, I’d be rocketed off to some location. And I’d find a version of myself- usually all messed up looking. I’d grab my portion of “me” and make my way back to the river. When this would happen, I would have these overwhelming emotions as I would take my parts, and walk into the water. I’d get into the middle, hold on tight, and fall backwards. Both portions of myself would sink to the bottom slowly. Drowning. Dieing. Succumbing to the water, the process, the death, the healing. And at the bottom, you’d reach the door, and it would open up and show you something.

Sometimes, I would see stars. Sometimes pain. Sometimes I’d just light up like a Christmas tree. It really depends. And each time is a little different. No recollected piece ever reacts exactly the same.

In the case of point B, usually O would be with me. Sometimes he’d cut me open. Sometimes a pre-existing orifice would be used. There was a time when I was sitting with him at the river. My stomach was killing me. I was frustrated and in pain. And he is standing there, looking at me. And all of a sudden- BAM! He just.. shoves his hand into my stomach and slowly pulls out these black shards that look like obsidian. One by one he draws them out of me, and then shatters them. And after he has pulled out what he can, he drags me into the water, where I fall back, sink, succumb, die, and the door would open.

The process- its similar every time, yet it’s different every time. Slowly but surely, O was helping me to find the pieces I had lost of myself. He was helping me to heal them, eradicate what I no longer needed, and merge with myself. He was slowly making me whole.

And then I hit a bump. A huge bump.

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The Cycle: The Pit

This is a 3 post series about a cycle. A cycle that took nearly 3 years to complete. I’ve decided to write about this now because this is my time for celebrating O’s Mysteries, and I feel that the cycle I have been through and the Mysteries go hand in hand (for my own personal experience). I am always contemplative about myself, life and death during the Mysteries, and if anything I’ve gone through could embody those traits- the Cycle is it. The Mysteries are all about death, transformation, and rebirth. A period of killing things, being torn apart, inert, helpless. Followed by a period of gathering your pieces up, regaining yourself, and rising to power, as it were. This Cycle that I’ve been led through did exactly that. It cut me down, ripped me apart, cleansed my bits, put me back together, and then I climbed out of my hole to find myself whole again.

I think it should also be said that I want to write this out for others to consider. A lot of people seem to think that recons are dry and dull- that our practices are completely stale and dead. However, I submit this experience for your consideration. I ask you to challenge your thoughts on what you think you know- about recons, and the gods. I ask you to take a look at the crack-laden roller coaster ride I’ve been on, and see if your opinions are the same once you come out the other side.

So shall we?

The Cycle began in 09. In fact, it started right after Set came barging into my life. I guess he doesn’t like to waste time. Shortly after my job situation was handled, he sat down with me one day in a vision and told me that I had a black hole in me. And in that black hole was a lot of anger, depression, frustration, malice. Inside of my black hole (my pit, he often called it) were all of these emotions. These things that were a part of me, but that I ignored them. And by ignoring these things, I was allowing them to control me.

I suppose it’s like ignoring a ferocious animal in your living room- and then wondering why your furniture is half eaten when you get home from work.

I looked at my black hole, and I saw all of these swirling black things.. like looking into a huge basin of black sludge and oil. I didn’t really know what to do about it. I was a mess. He then showed me his own black hole. I experienced this in multiple ways- the most prominent being through his own mythology. We took the basic myth of Set felling Osiris, and then he laced it with anger, jealousy, rage. He wove a story about how everyone got all of the good things, but he constantly got shafted. He showed how being the middle child, being the lesser son, having many people dislike you- how all of these things can create these demons, these problems- this pit that lives in your heart. He took every myth I could find of him, and warped it into something dark and angry. I have no clue if he actually felt some of this stuff in correlation to the myths, or if it’s reverb from people warping the myths themselves, or if he just tells a good story. But at the time, I could see where he was coming from. I could see the bitterness, the anger and anguish that lay beneath the cool exterior.

I could see myself in him.

The biggest difference being- he had control of all of that stuff. Those emotions were in check. They were his to use and manipulate- not to be manipulated by. Because he acknowledged all of this dark stuff, he was able to use it to his advantage. And it was exactly this that he wanted me to become.

So how did he do this? He took me to the edge of my pit, and kicked me in. Sparta style.


And thus began the cycle. I spent months in this pit. In fact, I think I was there for at least a year. The pit is best described in feeling and color. It’s dark, it’s warm. There are reds and blacks- but mostly black. It’s deafening. All you can hear is yourself, your emotions, your thoughts- every bad thing you could ever imagine or think of lives there. It’s awful. And even worse- its inside you.

It’s inside you. Inside me. Inside all of us. In each of us lies a dark hole that is filled with all the bad stuff we could ever imagine. It’s only a question of if we choose to acknowledge it and work with it- or completely ignore it. In many ways, this part of the cycle is a lot like Dark Flame work within FlameKeeping. You must go into the darkness that is within yourself. And you must live with it, and become it, and embrace it before you can triumph over it.

And it took me months to even get a grip on anything. It took my anger months to get to a point where it was sated and quelled. It took me months to get a point where I could even think with a remotely clear mind. But even then, it wasn’t over. Once you can stand in the pit, you then have to find a way to crawl back out of it again. Once the anger was no longer boiling over, I needed to figure out a means to take hold of it. Only then could I find a way out. And the way out was filled with plenty of screaming, rage, and anger.

That is where Set told me to go look into Shinto. If there is anything that Shinto can address it’s peace, coming together, seeing the good in the bad. Things like that. And through working with Shinto (and a million other changes in my life), I began to see light at the end of the tunnel. I began to slowly crawl out of my own pit.

About this time, Set began to tell me that I needed to make my two halves whole. I was currently two parts, two portions, two mes at war with one another. That this journey into the Pit was ending, but that there was more in store for me.

And ‘lo, as I come out of the pit, I found myself at a river…

Other parts of this series:


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