RSS

Eating a Mystery: Weeks 2-4

30 Dec

It seemed that a few days into my second week, the concept of contemplating my “father” while eating had dried up. I’d sit at the table and try to think about fathers and what it means to glorify one, and my brain would seem to hit a wall. I can’t tell if this means I’ve properly worked through enough of this topic and need to move onto something else, or if this is just my brain being my brain. Either way, I decided that I should instead figure out what it would mean to glorify myself through eating.

When I think of glorification and what it’s trying to do, I feel like one of the biggest components is making the entity being glorified feel comfortable and content in the space that you’re in. As I’ve stated so many times, I don’t really like eating and I dislike cooking even more, and feeling this way while eating seems antithetical to being glorified. So I began to ask myself: what would make the eating/cooking process more enjoyable? What would make me feel decent while I ate, but also wouldn’t distract me from eating? What could I do that would allow me to feel like I was taking care of myself more?

The tentative answer became “add music.”

Music is one of those things that is super helpful with moderating my emotions. I can use it to keep me distracted from my depressive thoughts while still having enough mental space to pay attention to what I’m doing. If I use the right combination, I can use music to slowly drag myself into a different headspace, and I often use it to pull myself out of deeper depression spots whenever possible. So I started to listen to music while cooking and eating to see if it would help.

I found that by doing this, I ended up taking more time to cook and eat, and therefore would sometimes eat more than I might have otherwise. In this respect, I think music is a successful addition to my eating method.

I also began to ask myself if adding some things that were not on diet could help me eat more. For example, I love croutons on my salads, but they’re not allowed under my diet restrictions. However, I could add a small amount of them in, and likely not incur any major issues with my health. So I began to do this to try and motivate myself to eat more. My hope was that once I was capable of eating on the regular, I could then start to trim out stuff that was bad for me. If eating is more important than eating a specific way, then this seemed like a good interim solution.

Sometime during these two weeks, I received a visit from another NTR. This one is one I could consider something of a father, perhaps, and I was asked to focus on him for a bit, since my situation with O never changed. After working with him for a few days, I began to feel as though my rejection of what had happened between me and O was necessary, a necessary part of healing both of us, and so I began to feel less concerned over whether I had messed everything up or not.

And that’s really all that happened during weeks two and three. I honestly began to worry if I’d have enough to warrant an entire post, because once my PMDD settled down, it became easier to eat and the music helped me not be so bothered by the process. However, on the last day of week three, I noticed that I was beginning to struggle again. I didn’t want to eat anything, I couldn’t bring myself to eat anything I had in the house, and all I wanted was food that was bad for me.

The final week proved to be as disastrous as the first in some respects. I had emotional turmoil trying to force myself to eat what I didn’t want to. I found myself not wanting anything, and I was prone to putting off the act of eating in the hopes that somehow I would be able to figure it out, even though I knew I wasn’t likely going to figure it out. By this stage, the act of eating had become more normalized, and I knew that if I didn’t eat, the pang in my stomach would be even worse than before I had started this jaunt, but that didn’t make it any easier to convince myself that eating what I had in the house needed to happen.

I couldn’t tell you how I managed to do it, but I seemingly managed to force myself to eat despite the hurdles. But what it really confirmed for me is that my illnesses really do inhibit my ability to get things done. Its no mystery why my execrations were the hardest to get done: they always occurred when my PMDD was at its strongest. And when the Monthly Ma’at rituals ended up at the end of the month as well, well, those stopped happening, too.

This, of course, brings up a lot of questions about where the line between obligation and personal needs should be. Whether the NTRW (or frankly, our judgemental peers) understand the need for leeway for those of us who have chronic illness; where there are going to always be periods of time where doing things is just not likely to happen. And, of course, how harshly one judges themselves for having those limitations and how that bleeds into our religious community and expereince. But that’s a separate post for another day.

Right before the very end of my month, I finally was given access to do the work that I had been trying to do for years. I spent three days on the task, and within a few days after being finished, I could feel some things finally settle into place on my end. Does that mean I was successful? Does it mean that I was able to get something done? Does that mean that eating for a month was useful? I couldn’t say.

But at least I can now go back to “normal”? Which now does seem to involve eating multiple times per day. So I guess if nothing else, I can say that this year’s Mysteries might have gotten back into eating regularly again, even if I’m still not sure what purpose this serves to help glorify my “father.”

 
10 Comments

Posted by on December 30, 2019 in Kemeticism, Year of Rites

 

Tags: , ,

10 responses to “Eating a Mystery: Weeks 2-4

  1. Merit

    December 30, 2019 at 11:11 am

    Your last comment brought up a vision of roots. By nourishing your roots, your core, it gives you a stronger base to work from… Hope that sparks something for you!

     
    • DevoTTR

      January 4, 2020 at 7:19 pm

      I think it makes sense. I’m just really bad at really feeling like that’s the case, I guess? like, i know it logically, but feeling it emotionally is where I get lost or stuck. Your’e probably not wrong, but it doesn’t feel like its enough, still. Or something.

       
  2. qalam-i rumi

    December 30, 2019 at 1:35 pm

    Good to hear from you again, I was curious.

    This month has been filled with turmoil over here, as my external conditions promise to sharply deteriorate once again next year. This means that I am barely holding onto my will to live.

    What is helping? There is a quote from a book published in 1791 which I encountered years ago when studying the Celtic language Cornish, extinct but brought back from the dead by collective effort.

    “By little things people’s minds are known, as much as in large things; because in great matters they often stretch themselves; but in little things, they follow their own nature.”

    The quote seemed absolutely horrifying in its implications that we are all fakers and that no matter how hard we try, our failings show up consistently through the smallest of our actions. But in the tradition I used to follow, we learn that all things that block us are also doors.

    In that spirit, when I remembered the quote recently, I decided to focus on very, very small efforts. 10 minutes of taijiquan a day. A prayer in the evening. An apology to someone I wrong, even if it is only sent mentally.

    In my specific case, finishing some academic articles and sending them off this week even though I will get no recompense for it. Just did it today and it felt good, a small ray of light in utter bleakness. The point is to break the self-imposed delusion of utter powerlessness, bit by bit.

    Applied to foods, this means that small amounts are just as precious as a large feast, if they are all you can manage. Offer to yourself, to Them, to the inside and the outside, even if it is just crumbs or a sprinkling. If I had to single out one mesmerizing characteristic of the Kemetic ones, it is their patience. They’ve learned to survive on very little.

    Unlike food, I have no wise advice on father-lovers. It is a labyrinth even when one tries to escape it for good.

    Could you write a bit about the Jackals, Canines, etc? I can’t disentangle Inpw from Wepwawet, maybe I yearn for the latter when it is actually the former. I know and appreciate the resources of per-sabu, but I would be glad to read your take on Them.

     
    • DevoTTR

      January 4, 2020 at 7:21 pm

      Ironically I feel like I read that quote very differently than you. To me, the quote means that people can make large gestures to prove themselves, but really, our inherent nature, how much we give a shit or don’t give a shit, really shows up in the smaller actions. It reminds me of the concept of “you can tell a lot about a person based off of how they tip their waiter.” Our actions matter most when they don’t serve us, when there is no ply to our ego, in the small stuff.

       
      • qalam-i rumi

        January 9, 2020 at 3:22 pm

        But I don’t see a contradiction there. The small things initially frightened me, and then they proved to be liberating in the sense of offering hope even in most horrible circumstances, offering some minimal amount of agency when everything seems lost. I deeply agree with your statement that “Our actions matter most when they don’t serve us, when there is no ply to our ego, in the small stuff.”

        And if you don’t mind, I will also repeat what I just posted on Shezep’s blog because I would very much appreciate a response from you, no matter when, with two additions.

        First, I had not realized until recently how important Seth had been to you.

        Second, your quote about Aset’s rebellious nature was unspeakably beautiful.

        “Let me be a bit less reserved than usual.

        My workings with the Kemetic ones have really only kicked off two years ago. Female-bodied, but ever so slightly masculine of center, I prayed to Sekhmet for a safe birth of my child. I took it as a challenge and I succeeded in it.

        Anpu and Sobek had been there for a long time, and I suppose that I have always identified somewhat with Heru’s heroism and his innocence. That’s why your blog resonates so much with me, including the solar parts.

        But actually, Aset appeared next and I was mesmerized by her beauty, strength and charm. I don’t work easily with very feminine ones, but she swept that away. So I bought a figurine to honor her.

        Except that the figurine included Wesir. Within less than a year, I lost my social standing, my physical home and my laboriously acquired belongings. I meditate upon the unity between Heru and Seth as well as that between Aset and Nebet-Het a lot, and I try to wholeheartedly adhere to Aset, but Wesir keeps intervening, and he frightens me. In my current state, I all to easily identify with His lying in the river, waiting for resurrection. Wesir is actually scary in his impeccable passivity. You never know how long it might last.

        Irrationally, it bothers me to think that the sheer presence of Wesir might have kicked off all kinds of real-world reactions which destroyed my social world and rendered me helpless.

        Beyond all of Them, I feel the way I did when I first saw the pyramids, implausible surrounded by chattering people who spoke my first language and were oblivious to subtlety. I thought I would feel grief at my own smallness and transitory nature, but I felt relief that there was something physical far older than I was, something that might last long after I perished.

        I am writing all of this because your responses tend to contain a pithy line which responds to my questions. I am a professional scholar who can read more than twenty languages fluently and I will always be eclectic, yet you, Devo, Smarmy and the Italian-Brazilian scholar confound me. Ancient Egypt itself doesn’t do that much for me, but you guys (always fluid) have taught me a lot.

        Any comments?”

         
      • DevoTTR

        January 9, 2020 at 3:40 pm

        hahahaha I want to know how it is that I confound you XD

        I personally wouldn’t think that having O there would be the reason for you to have a loss of social standing or anything like that. While I agree that the stuff that he carries with him is often frightening (and I won’t deny that his methods can be, uh, scary and sometimes boundary-crossing), I’ve not found that he’s out to destroy lives or wreak havoc. If anything, he plays the long game. Waits slowly for the right moment. I always likened him to roots from a tree. By the time they’re into your foundation, its already too late and there isnt’ anything you can do. Set is more likely to destroy something for the sake of making someone move or grow, not O.

        That being said, I think its important to remember that even O got tired of waiting. He languished for a long time, but ultimately he did break free of his own bondage, albeit it wasn’t anything flashy. Part of O’s mysteries (according to Roberts) involves being a willing participant. You gotta want the change to get the change. You have to be willing and able to take the first step to break free of whatever is keeping you safe. So if you are feeling helpless, perhaps there is something in the choosing to push past it, in spite of it (easier said than done).

        Whether Aset would do something like that? I can’t say. Perhaps it’d be worthwhile to ask her directly. Or hold onto that statue and see where ti takes you. On the flip side, dealing with your fears may prove to be useful work. Often our fears are showing us where we’re lacking, and encourage us to reckon with whatever is plaguing us (easier said than done, but). Ofc, it’s equally possible that the NTRW aren’t involved in the daily goings on of your life, and that its just coincidence. That’s always the crappy part about discernment — trying to figure out who or what (if anything) is going on.

        Dunno if any of that is helpful, but that’s what I got.

         
  3. qalam-i rumi

    December 30, 2019 at 1:37 pm

    PS Good music of a meditative quality helps a lot with cooking.

     
  4. Aubs Tea

    December 30, 2019 at 6:22 pm

    Music is the only way I can get most shit done nowadays

     
    • DevoTTR

      January 4, 2020 at 7:17 pm

      music is a balm for life, imo. i can p much apply it to anything and make that thing better XD

       
      • Aubs Tea

        January 5, 2020 at 6:17 am

        Yep. It would probably make my job 2% more bearable.

         

Leave a Reply to qalam-i rumi Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: