Eating a Mystery: week 1

04 Dec

CW: This post gets heavy and may be difficult for people who have issues with suicidal ideation or depression.

The first week has been checkered.

Each meal has been eaten, but sometimes I’ve not been full when I’m done, sometimes the meals are lackluster, and sometimes I’m purposefully distracting myself from eating because its the only way I could find to eat. I’ve had to sort out where the rules can be bent and where they can’t, because trying to eat while teetering on the edge of a meltdown is very challenging. Making the choice between what is more important: being present or being able to eat has not always been clear, and I often erred on the side of eating over mindfulness, and hopefully O would agree to that decision, but I’ve really no way of knowing. Breakfast is usually one of the least-mindful meals because I’m often barely functional at 6 in the morning, and its not uncommon for my depression to be sky high first thing in the morning. In situations where I found myself eating with others, I often decided it was more important to be present than to focus on navel gazing. Hopefully these are the right answers to whatever is going on because no one gave me any guidelines for these sorts of situations.

As it turns out, its hard to want to nourish yourself when you 1. don’t want to nourish yourself and 2. aren’t particularly interested in nourishing the person who directed you to do this to begin with. Every time I’ve sat down to eat, I’ve heard a phrase run through my head, a sort of attempt to put me in the right state of mind for what I’m trying to achieve, and most times when I think about nourishing myself to nourish O, I have difficulties with wanting to.

There is a large rift between us, and I still don’t entirely understand how it got there, but its there all the same. I’ve not trusted him for years, and while I was willing to finish the work I had started in 2016, I ultimately haven’t wanted him touching anything that is mine. I’ve had this inherent desire to draw a very thick boundary between my work and what I do for the NTRW, lest they decide to dip their fingers into my stuff without asking permission. Where did this come from? I don’t know, but its been there and it’s not gone away.

Asking me to nourish my body for a god I don’t want anywhere near me is asking a lot. Asking a god I don’t want near me to potentially draw close to my body because that’s where the nourishment is is asking almost too much, apparently.

There was a bout at some point during the week where I really rifled through all of my memories of O, and our earliest interactions were not what I’d consider to be, uh, healthy or consensual. Boundaries have been crossed by him in nearly every respect, and yet somehow I’m still here, and I’m really skeeved by that. I had an overwhelming moment where I found myself rejecting what he had done, and I think by extension, rejected him. I can’t tell what impact that’s going to have, since my ability to really tap into anything from O since has basically disappeared. For all I know, I’ve broken it or messed it up before the first week was even done. I can’t even tell if I’m bothered by that.

I’d sometimes shift my thoughts to nourishing Father-Lover instead, to see how I felt about my nourishment nourishing him. Parts of me were just as against the idea of nourishing him as they are against O, but my thoughts regarding FL were mostly tinged with sadness over contempt. I found that the biggest hiccup with FL was that I never mourned him in any of the situations where he was, well, killed. Each situation where it happened, I had no way of knowing if he’d show back up again or not. He was so hellbent on not coming back, and yet it seemed cruel that inevitably, he would eventually re-manifest back in the same awful place he tried to leave to begin with. It’s partially why we got on so well together — we could both commiserate about how little we wanted to be alive.

Of course, he eventually got what he wanted, leaving me with one less person in my life.

I made some artwork to try and process the mourning that I never completed. I would be lying if I said I knew if it helped or not. There are moments when I think it has, and there are moments when I’m sure that it hasn’t. Though as the week dragged on, I found that my focus shifted from “fathers” to myself and my inability to want to take care of myself.

Someone had commented on the last post about how the act of making my food could be folded into all of this. I know it could be, but the idea sounds awful to me. Any attempts to really cuddle up with the notion of being invested in my food prep have left me frustrated and against the idea. The thought of investing myself even more into making food that I ultimately don’t like, that ultimately doesn’t seem to ever fill me or sate me just sounds like Too Much. So even though I’m supposed to be really going all in with eating, its just not happening. I don’t like eating, food is not pleasurable to me, cooking is boring and sucks the life out of me, and I just really don’t know how to get around that.

When I went to therapy, one of the first issues she really wanted me to sort out was being invested in being alive. She told me that I couldn’t expect life to ever be worthwhile if I was only half-assing everything I did. Which is fair, I guess. Shortly after I really tried to start going “all in” on life, and I held on to my motivation to push forward despite the odds until sometime last winter. I felt it slowly slipping away from me as the spaces that had been inviting before began to change, and suddenly they became lonely and alienating for me. I lost more of my friends, and with it, everywhere I went just felt all that much more isolating. I pulled back on every social media platform because of this, trying to shelter myself from the loneliness that howls inside of me, and by the time I began having daily panic attacks in March, I knew that “all in” was gone.

And perhaps that’s the largest core issue for me so far with everything tied to this “project.” I’m not invested in living at this point. Its a combination of so many things that have converged to really just suck the desire to bother out of me. I am a burden to myself, a trait I learned by being a burden to my parents and family. I abandon myself because that’s what people do when they are abandoned by others (particularly at a young age). These two things feed into one another — you don’t want to do the work when it feels like a burden, especially because you’re not invested in the person/s you’re doing the work for. I can barely muster the effort to do basics so that I’ll be here for my partner, a person I actually care about, let alone a deity that I feel like I can barely tolerate at this point. Instead of drawing me closer to wanting to sustain myself or sustain my gods, its mostly just dredged up all of the reasons why I’d rather not.

I have no clue if this is what O had in mind when he tasked me with this, but here we are all the same.


Posted by on December 4, 2019 in Kemeticism, Year of Rites



16 responses to “Eating a Mystery: week 1

  1. Briar Fenrirsson

    December 4, 2019 at 4:59 pm

    Obligatory disclaimer that I’m not a professional in terms of therapy, or anything, really. However, from the unofficial peer-to-peer support I’ve found in some online places, I keep returning to the tactic of starting from a place of neutrality instead of jumping to positivity. Like, yeah, the act of planning out a meal, getting everything together, and then finally cooking before you have to eat what you just spent a lot of mental and physical energy making probably won’t feel enjoyable, but you don’t have to fall in love with the process.

    I’ve only occasionally dipped into refeeding advice from ED recovery resources, but it may be possible to find mental and physical energy saving tricks to increase the chances of eating. I don’t know if that looks like a schedule of snacks to avoid worrying about not eating enough for breakfast, figuring out what you can buy that’s been made ahead, doing bulk food prep, framing cooking as making xyz for your partner, making sure you eat more by eating with others, using refeeding advice to bump up caloric intake (if you’re definitely not eating enough), or what.

    I’m not a dietician or w/e, so I’m not promising that X will 100% work. I’m just horribly aware that bodies don’t give a flyin’ fuck if we’re actively enjoying eating; a certain amount of fuel is needed to literally stay alive, and step one is making sure the body is getting fed. Probably because of other things going on for me, I find it easier to turn my body into the Other. (I might not care about eating, but the body’s going to protest if I don’t give it something.)

    Admittedly, it’s not very positive or ‘invested in being alive’, but half-assing being alive is better than outright giving up. (I’m currently still alive out of spite, but that’s not exactly foolproof long-term, so I can’t touch the suicidal ideation aspect.) Unfortunately, I got nothing about the deity end of things. I either go incredibly general to Everyone applicable as a general offering, or I don’t involve Anyone because I very specifically need to focus on me eating. Maybe They’re not exactly thrilled, but They’re not the ones trying to do this living thing. Idk if any of this will help or affect the rest of the Mysteries, but I hope next week goes better.

    • DevoTTR

      December 5, 2019 at 12:40 pm

      So I worry that my response will sound like I’m making excuses… but it’s also sorta the situation that I’m working with, so I hope it doesn’t sound too off-putting or like I’m just deflecting? I don’t know if I can cook with neutrality in mind, I guess in some respects I already do. I do it, but most of the time I find myself lowkey agitated and bored, and I’m not sure how to drop those aspects to even return fully to neutral. Even when cooking for others, its not much better, and I usually have anxiety thrown in the mix. I think if I liked the food I made, I would find the endeavor more worth it? But due to my lack of energy and dislike of the end result, its really hard to motivate myself at all, even without considering my attitude towards it.

      My second biggest issue is finding out what to eat, because I usually don’t want to eat anything. The worse the depression gets, teh harder it becomes to sus out what I will eat, and with my PMDD, I’m subject to strong food cravings and restrictions at the end of the month. My histamine intolerance makes it harder to cook en masse, so anything I make ahead needs to be reheatable (because I have to freeze it) or needs to be consumed in 2 days. So I do get limited on that front. Convenience food is expensive, and usually doesn’t really fill me up, and so I don’t find myself really eating much of that. Again, I just… don’t want most foods. Nothing sounds appealing, and I’m ashamed to say I’ve had meltdowns when I’ve tried to force myself to eat what I have on hand when I don’t want it, so its like walking on a minefield. Eating with others does help, but I have no one to eat with (save breakfast), so that’s sort of a dead end for me. I have no clue what refeeding is…

      I do try to do the “body as teh Other” pretty regularly, to sorta make myself more accountable to myself. It only partially works, depending on my headspace. I wish I could live out of spite, but I mostly stay alive because I just couldn’t do that to my partner. If something happens on that front, well, no one will be surprised what will likely happen, I guess.

      I, too, hope that next week goes better. That this doesn’t end up just destroying what little I had left XDDD

      • Briar Fenrirsson

        December 6, 2019 at 11:40 pm

        I’m 95% sure my internet ate the first reply, so sorry if parts of this look like a repeat if it didn’t. I must admit that I haven’t seen anyone use neutral cooking as an approach, so I can’t say I’m surprised it doesn’t resonate. Personally, anything more complicated than Hamburger Helper sets off anxiety around double checking ingredients and steps, so I’m the last person who can give any kind of cooking advice, let alone about doing it when the process is boring, irritating, etc. (I’m still sovereign of sandwiches, microwaveable meals, and ramen for lunch…)

        I also don’t have experience with low/no histamine food choices, and my family’s paying/prepping arrangement is different. F’ex, if my grandmother decides she’s making X for the family dinner, we’re all having X for that dinner. This is definitely the section I have no interest in retyping, so refeeding. It’s reintroducing your body to food, usually used to mean getting your body back up to minimum calories for the day (and then aiming higher while your body repairs the damage of starvation).

        Most refeeding content I’ve found is aimed at eating disorder recovery, but my “can’t be motivated to eat” depression got bad enough and went on long enough that I needed to use what refeeding tips I could. Some basics can be found at [], including a link to a family recipe book with ways to bump up calories. (No idea on how well the suggestions fair for histamine, but afaik, it’s free to access.)

        Y’know, if staying alive for your partner is the biggest part of your defense to keep going, it’s alright. I don’t have a partner, but I have had the misfortune to have relatives joke about how they’re surprised I didn’t follow Cousin So-and-so’s suit in killing myself or how my life insurance is paid, so I always keep spite at the bottom of the stack. (Especially after Trump took office. If a conservative wants me dead, they gotta do it themself.)

        Knock on wood, break a leg, etc. for next week.

      • DevoTTR

        December 11, 2019 at 6:50 pm

        Yeah, it looks like the internet ate it 😦

        tbh I wish I could get full off of sandwiches or tv dinners because that would be amazing, but alas XD bread and pasta really don’t do it for me, and I end up hungry within an hour. Can relate to teh grandmother thing — I found that my issues with food got way worse as I had to start cooking for myself. Its almost like my brain is more critical when I’m the one making it.

        Thanks for the refeeding info. It look slike on some level I’m doing some of that. You’ll see in the next post that I’ve been trying to find ways to make the eating more enjoyable, and sometimes that involves safely (hopefully) bending the eating restriction rules in certain places so that I’ll hopefully be more inclined to eat more. I’ll def look through more of the links once I’ve got more energy to erad.

        Also, that’s really sad to hear about your family. I can sorta relate to it… almost everyone in my family expected me to kill myself or “go off the deep end” by now. My mom has apparently worried about it since I was a kid, so I mean. Some peolpe are just. You know. Best kept far far away from you >.>;; I envy your ability to live out of spite, tho. It’s always a good standby if you can access it.

        Thanks for the comments and ideas!

  2. Epithets and Epiphanies

    December 4, 2019 at 7:43 pm

    It’s such a relief to read someone with thoughts about O that mirror my own. Somehow we haven’t gotten along in a long time, and I don’t know how things got this way, exactly. But He’s still here. For some reason.

    As for eating… I can only empathize. With my ED history, I feel like food is constantly on my mind because I have to monitor my intake. Thinking about offering it to the gods sometimes feels frustrating because it’s just one more food-related thought.

    • DevoTTR

      December 5, 2019 at 12:17 pm

      I sadly expected pushback for being honest about where I’m at with O, but I’m glad to hear that its at least resonating with someone, even though its not a fun thing to hear others are sharing in. I really can’t figure out why the stark change when I came back last year. Whether he’s changed, I’ve changed, or if this is another part of him that I’ve not seen before. All in all, it makes doing the work hard, and as little as I trusted the NTRW before, its just so much worse now, and that makes a lot of things more difficult than I want them to be. I also have a bad habit of having food on my mind. I’m almost always hungry, likely due to the chemicals in my head being out of balance and me not eating enough, and any time my regular schedule is going to be different, my first thought is food and whether I’ll have enough, where I’ll get it, whether I’ll be able to eat it, etc. And when i’m at home, I waffle between overthinking about eating, and ignoring it entirely (sigh). I’ve had issues with disordered eating and offerings for years, and I sorta wish that there was a widely-accepted alternative that didn’t come with emotional baggage. Like, yeah, there are alternatives, and I logically know that they’re fine to use, but I can’t help but still berate myself when I don’t do the ideal, and that’s just really unfortunate >.>;;;

  3. qalam-i rumi

    December 5, 2019 at 4:05 am

    So much to respond to.

    First, the suicidal bit. Very familiar with that here. As I mentioned before, I am a former war refugee. I fought teeth and claw to survive until I reached my goal — Ph.D. at one of the three top Ivies, followed by post-doc at the top university in UK (supposedly the best in the world, heavy emphasis on supposedly). I read more than 20 languages fluently. That’s the shiny bit.

    The sordid truth behind it — my partner and I were both laid off this year and we left the UK. I am physically in the same place as I was as a teenager, having come full circle, unemployed and even unemployable in a world which values an entirely different understanding of work and moneymaking.

    Especially in capitalism, but also in so-called socialism, there has been too much emphasis on the usefulness of a person (so-called “productivity”). In American English, you can even define a person as a “failure” (fortunately, not in most other languages – you say, I failed, but you can never BE a failure). I say in my loudest voice: F*CK ALL THAT. The current trends are genocidal, as rich people think that most of the world’s population is superfluous and want to change the planet rather than save it. All of us have to fight against those self-destructive parasitical thoughts — that is Apep at work, if you’ll allow. Again, F*CK ALL THAT.

    Last time when I was in similarly dire straits, changing my food habits drastically ended up saving me. Initially, it didn’t look like it — from avoiding about 90 percent of food (because I hated most textures) I started eating meat after 30 years of vegetarianism (ok, pescaterianism). Two years later, I taught myself how to cook and I am now excellent at it. The key? Ditching everyone else’s expectations, focusing on my favorite cuisines (in my case, Middle Eastern and Indian) and healthy ingredients. Food went from being merely grub to being joyous while also being almost the only area in my life where I feel I can mess up and establish control, create and destroy — all in one meal.

    My father reestablished control over his life through systematic fasting. I thought I’d do the same, but They refused my week-long fast. I had to learn to appreciate food and work with it, always in my own and not someone else’s way, before I could fast. There is little value to renouncing something which you barely want anyway. They taught me to respect myself and the food I eat. That, too, is a battle to be fought against Apep every day. Maybe I can return to fasting now that I have learned to enjoy food.

    Finally, the issue with O. I am excessively attracted to death and rebirth narratives, which is why I avoid working with Him, though I’ve had a lot of moments with everyone else from his myth recently.
    But, as I mentioned, there seems to be a trajectory of euphoria and exploration (2000s), followed by hard work (ca. 2010-2015) and disillusionment (2016-) for us who try to work with Them (regardless of pantheon). Perhaps this is to be mapped onto the recession since 2009 — I have certainly been unemployed through most of that time, while colleagues who finished before then had smooth sailing. For all those reasons, I avoid a certain Indic Deity who was my gateway drug to this world and His Celtic face. I don’t know whether to let go of all others. Trust is hard, almost impossible.

    All that said, I too wish I could simply perish. But that would be a betrayal of my former self, my highest ideals and my family (with a small child). Just remaining alive is sometimes a great act of devotion and respect.

    • DevoTTR

      December 5, 2019 at 12:13 pm

      The fact that I know I’ll have to work in order to survive, even knowing that the work will likely wreck my health even more is just awful. And yet so many of us have to make that decision. The notion of value and worth being tied to productivity has definitely wrecked more than one of us, and I wish that most of us weren’t born into the system we were. I, too, know someone who has started intermittent fasting, too bad I’m fairly certain its because he doesn’t want to eat. It’d be the equivalent of me doing fasting — it really is jsut an excuse not to address the problem at hand (I say as I vehemently complain about being forced to deal with the problem). I wasn’t really active on the pagan scene before 2009, though O has been dogging me since 2006. I feel like our community is constantly shifting, with people rarely staying, and most only passing through. I think that that causes friction for those who stay, and it kinda just makes the whole experience suck a bit XD

  4. qalam-i rumi

    December 6, 2019 at 3:50 am

    In the tentative timeline, I was thinking more about the engagement between the self and the Others, whether or not it is visible to others. In my case, a very long period of Abrahamic searching throughout the 1990s and the 2000s culminated in a honeymoon henotheist period from 2009-2013, when I was devoted and trustful. That time ended in a collapse and a disaster on most fronts, absurdly but appropriately combined with a spectacular and constant ecstatic Kundalini experience over a period of several weeks.

    The transformation with food and crafts falls into this time, as I gradually crawled out of the wreckage and astonishingly found a suitable (although time-limited) job, was able to physically arrange my own place and have my own furniture for the first time. Devotional activity picked up again in various poly forms in 2016-2018, as, in spite of my horror over political developments, I even had a separate room for yoga and prayer and was able to give birth to a child in my forties.

    Then, in 2019, my life fell apart in the most brutal way, as I am stripped of all my belongings and my space is miniscule (in some ways, smaller than ever). Trying to understand what precisely happened on a subtle level has led me to looking at other people’s timelines, and it seems that a lot of people have had a sense of abandonment or disillusion in recent years (whether or not it is connected with post-2016 crisis). I see plenty godspouses and devotees whose connection was drastically cut from the other side, but I am reluctant to assign a simple explanation to it yet.

    What is perhaps happening is that we are all pushed into dealing with long-standing issues which should have been cleaned up years ago, but weren’t. A facile progress is impossible while there is no resolution on some matters, especially those related to family and physical well-being. Back to the despised body and its issues — in order to learn that it cannot be despised or neglected. It is the only “thing” which is truly our own, after all, even for people constantly handled by others.

    In my case, I am suddenly solving problems which have been chronic since the early 1990s, and I hope that the frozenness will pass away once I am done handling those problems. I am also trying to resolve residual food phobias which relate to some kinds of meats and beans and lentils (not coincidentally, the most grounding foods). I just yearn for more private space and my own furniture again, even more than for a job.

    Perhaps They also face similar obstacles which then have a ripple effect for all of us. I don’t know if being an atheist again would be easier, and for some inexplicable reason I want to continue on this road. Cynically speaking, at least it is more interesting that the bleakness of complete renunciation.

    …and there is a figure which is the equivalent to your Father-Lover, but I cannot bring myself to deal with that either.

    • DevoTTR

      December 6, 2019 at 10:34 am

      I totally responded to your other comment without realizing it was tied to this one XDDD my b.

      tbh, when ti comes to the NTRW, I actually have a theory behind why there was a disappearance of the NTRW for a lot of folks around 2015 onwards, but I’m always worried I’ve got it wrong, and am making stuff up, so I never really spoke about it. I’m not entirely sure whether the gods backing down is tied to the events here on our planet, but most days I feel like the NTRW are so busy putting out their own fires, dealing with their own stuff, that the goings on down here are really sorta not on their radar. Or at least, are not on the radars of at least certain parts of the pantheon. But because I’m always doubting my inklings, I really don’t know what to make of a lot of things. Its part of why I wish more ppl were open and vocal about what htey’re experiencing.. it helps to flesh out discernment sometimes.

      I do think that obstacles they have effect us. I do think that our current isfetian system is having a negative effect on them. Whenever I finish writing my series about isfet and ma’at as systems, it’ll hopefully make more sense.

      my biggest issue with the notion that I’m being pushed is that… I had achieved a level of stability in 2018 that I’ve never had before in my life. The past year has been so destructive that I’m pretty much back at ground zero in terms of mental health. Like, yeah, I can weather it better than before. But my attitude towards myself has gotten destructive and awful, and sitting in isolation day after day after day just.. will not produce healthy outcomes for me. It sucks because I feel like I worked my ass off for our pantheon 2011-2015, but when my life and health got turned on its head, its like the NTRW didn’t seem to care, the only thing that mattered was getting my work done for them, and idk. It just feels like they kinda used me and broke me, and I don’t think I can stand for being told (by them, I suppose) that I’m somehow responsible for the hell I’m in now, when I’ve been consistently diligent about treading the water since I fell in in 2015. I can’t control that my family abandoned me to be a caregiver, and that I basically have so few resources to work with now that i’m not really making progress. Like, yeah, I’m being pushed to do work, but I can’t tolerate finger wagging because I’ve been proactive whenever possible despite wanting to just give up for years. I just feel like… no one acknowledges that, gods or otherwise.

      Like… we can’t expect people to heal if they don’t have the resources they need to heal. And as far as I’m concerned, I’ve spent the bulk of the past 4 years with not enough to work with, and too many expectations on their end. And that’s probably a large part about why I hate the pantheon XD

      and Father Lover has just been an ongoing hell since college hahahahahaha. And now that he’s gone, idk what to do with myself. The amount of everything I’ve lost in the past 5 years is daunting.

      • qalam-i rumi

        December 6, 2019 at 2:27 pm

        See, that’s what I am wondering about. I had a very similar experience with my largely Indic path.
        Also, 2018 as the greatest stability, even joy, immediately swept away…

        For years, I have laboured on my path by myself, as is my habit, presenting an agnostic face to the world. Discovering similarities in the last few years has been fascinating, as well as an exercise in sadness since so many insightful blogs have been deleted or are inactive (somewhat duplicitous of me to say this as I’ve made mine inaccessible since 2016).

        How can a new theology, as a collective endeavor, progress, if everything is so fragmented? I also ask as a professional historian: How can a history of these movements be written if everything is so easily erased? I find utterly mesmerizing fragments in random comments…and then, the traces of their authors fade because of nasty internal struggles. Eh, plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose among seekers of Gnosis…

        In other words: Keep writing. The food issue is a vital step, but it may not be the last one.

  5. qalam-i rumi

    December 6, 2019 at 4:01 am

    Oh, also, maybe there is a parallel in community engagement as well. From 2009-2012, I was engaged in an internet group (not at all occult) which consumed all of my energy and in oblique ways led me to confront my gender and my shadows. After the 2013 collapse during which I experienced a strong sense of precognition of fascism, I engaged in blog-focused reflection in 2014-2016, when whatever was left of the original group completely fell apart. I have been silent ever since.

    All of that makes me wonder whether the internet itself is a rough physical imitation of astral dynamics, a place where we interact not only with each other, but also more directly with Them, as alienating and disembodied as such interactions might be.

    • DevoTTR

      December 6, 2019 at 10:21 am

      I’ve likened the creation of an Open Statue with existing on the internet, and so I think there are some parallels in some respects. Most folks have to work to engage with teh astral, the same that you have to actually put in the work to exist and engage on the internet. I think the internet provides some weird loopholes, given that it exists both physically but also not physically, and I think we take some of the magic of the internet for granted as completely mundane “whatever”. As for overall dynamics for the community, I think each person has their own highs and lows, but there are definitely larger waves of people coming and going, in my experience — tho it obvs varies depending on the platform. Overall, though, I think its a problem that we don’t have many ppl that stay and consistently interact online for more than a few months out of a given year. Even I am struggling to remain active online with my mental health as it is. I think its sort of a tall mountain for all of us to climb at this point XD

      and oh the joys of fascism, and the impact that’s had on our community, too. (sigh)

  6. cgw

    December 6, 2019 at 5:54 am

    I really really wanted to mesh with O back around 2013 during the year I spent with K.O., but part of leaving there and that collapsing resulted in a much more individually tailored practice, and since then for some reason he has weirded me the fuq out and I mostly avoid him except for major holidays. IDK, maybe it’s me, different time different place. For foods, I also find cooking extremely demoralizing. The only way I’ve found it’s acceptable is baked foods. Baked foods like salmon or coated chicken feel like they cook themselves in the oven and it’s the only cooking that doesn’t feel like “too much” to me.

    • DevoTTR

      December 6, 2019 at 10:17 am

      tbh, since so many ppl are having this same experience with him, it makes me question if something has happened? I’m not sure what could/would cause a NTR to suddenly be skeevy, but like. It’s kinda concerning that so many ppl are experiencing this with him, imo…

      baking makes sense, though I find I dislike so many foods that are baked (baked pastry goods aside) I think for me, the easiest is the InstantPot, but even then… its a Chore :\ The biggest reason communal living appeals to me at this point is so that someone else can do more of the cooking, bc I’m just nto made for it XD

      • cgw

        December 6, 2019 at 5:54 pm

        I’m wondering if…the whole reason I distanced myself from Osiris is that in the evaluation period that followed leaving KO, when I looked back on some things with him there were flags that (like you noted) consent wasn’t his strong point. And there’s such a sea change towards consent culture in human life that maybe us humans are just noticing it. I mean, I guess I get it, he’s king of the dead and very few people consent to dieing, so he’s probably tone-deaf to it. But it just made me uncomfortable to invite more contact. It’s a shame.


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