Ah, May. The month when we finally got to try some new rubrics and have a little bit of variety. The month where I took on a temp job, and suddenly had no energy to invest into said new rubrics.
This day was poop. I had a migraine, I was frustrated by work, and my ritual ended up getting foisted to the very end of the day. It is the first rite that I’ve done where I felt really rushed, and I didn’t really get any of the positive qualities from the ritual that I normally might (however slight they may be.) I was still adjusting to the new schedule and trying to keep my head above water, so this ritual really got shoved to the side.
This was another day where work had messed up some of my scheduling, and so things were a little awkward to get done. Overall, the ritual went relatively smooth, though I will admit I am “eh” about doing anything with O right now. I remember really liking the rubric for this month when I wrote it, but it felt very different when actually being performed, and I’m not sure how I feel about it yet.
As time continues to go on, I’ve found that my issues with O continue to get worse and worse with each passing month where I have to sit down in front of him, and extol to him how he’s amazing and takes care of all of the people of the Duat, and how I’m here to help take care of him, even though on an emotional level, it couldn’t be any further from the truth. This is, by far, the hardest rite for me to do every month. I won’t say I dread it, but I really don’t ever look forward to having to mess with his stuff at this point.
I was really looking forward to trying this rubric out, because I had liked how it came out on paper. I realized partway through the rite that my mirror is technically only one sided, the other side is actually a piece of metal covering up the compact. I also realized I need to find a stand for my mirror, so that it can stand up and reflect properly. I also need another hand.
To this day, the biggest thing that really stops me from completely immersing myself into the ritual is the fact that I have to hold my book and read out of it while trying to do ritualized actions. I really wish I could just perform the rites and not have to worry about reading the rubric.
For whatever reason, I had the urge to keep my Iyrt Re icon inside of the shrine for this month’s execration, so I did. Overall, the execration was not as smooth as past rites because yet again, my schedule was not going how I had expected it to. And in comparison to a lot of other execrations, I had a hard time coming up with stuff to put on the paper to throw into the fire.
It’s not that I don’t have things that I want to eradicate or destroy, I think it more a case of feeling like it doesn’t matter what I write on the paper. To some extent, I don’t know that I honestly feel as though execrations are doing much one way or another. At this stage, I’m not sure that any of the rites are doing much one way or another — for me or the gods.
But I still did it anyways.
If there was one thing that May really drove home, its that having free time helps make for a better ritual experience. Given the distance we have to drive and the amount of time I simply don’t have (I am usually gone from about 7:15 to 6:00), I do feel as though nearly every aspect of my life has suffered for having to be gone all day, and that includes my ritual practice. While I know everyone reading this that also works is going “well, obviously”, I think it bears repeating for folks who may consider shaming others for not doing rites regularly. For those who have to work or have a bunch of “life stuff” to constantly deal with, its understandable why you wouldn’t be the first on board to do regular ritual work. It’s hard to fit in when life feels full as it already is.
I will also add that the second lesson for May is that I really suck at doing rituals with other people in the room. The other hazard of doing the temp work is that I carpool to said work, and so I have very little time by myself. This gets challenging when I’m supposed to be verbally saying the words out loud, and yet I don’t want to make noise because it makes me feel uncomfortable to be doing rituals in a capacity that others can see. Part of me feels that I just need to learn how to push through it, and learn how to do rituals in front of others and not be ashamed. But on the other hand, part of me expects that I’m not going to get to that point anytime soon.
There is a part of me that wants to know when the ritual work gets easier, more predictable, or more fulfilling. I’m not sure I want to know the answer, though.