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Aimless

30 Aug

This post was originally a part of last week’s post, but because of length, I decided to break the post into two with last week focusing more on my mundane life, and this week focusing more on re-entering Kemeticism. If this post seems somewhat repetitive, that is why.

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One of the most interesting and oh-so-fun side effects of my health degrading is my complete and utter lack of memory. I honestly can’t remember most of 2015, 2016… and to some extent, 2017. When I went to start writing posts in August, I realized that I had forgotten that I had posted in April. A lot of what I used to know about Kemeticism still rattles in my head, but I don’t really have access to it anymore.

Because of this side effect, all I could really remember thinking about Kemeticism since my health tanked in 2016 was lukewarm “eh” ness. I mean, when I moved, my shrine sat on a shelf for weeks and collected dust with its doors taped shut while I lukewarmly looked for a place to put it. I couldn’t care less about the gods or the community, and for all I could remember, this had been the case since my “A Good Horse” era.

But recently I found a planner from 2016 that I stored all of my little tidbits in. As it turns out, early 2016 me was very much still jonesing for Kemeticism. I have pages of notes for my book. Pages of notes for how I wanted to release it. Topics that I wanted to write about on WP. Tagging phrases I wanted to use over on tumblr to make resources more searchable. Initiation tidbits that O had pinged for me while I was still able to read (another fun side effect — I can’t read or write very well anymore.)

But between the gap of what was and what is, I lost something. I lost a lot of somethings. And part of that was my original love affair for the NTRW. I don’t know when it happened exactly, but I’m pretty sure it started in the fall of 2016, when I was told through a third party that I should step back on all fronts related to Kemeticism, for my own health, and co-signed it with Set’s name. Regardless of what I wanted or what I felt was the proper handling of such a situation, the writing was pretty apparent on the wall, and it said to gtfo.

I had to be dragged and kicked away from my work. Within a month or two of fully walking away, you couldn’t drag me back to it. I began to find absolute liberty and freedom in being able to see that drama was occurring, and not feel obligated to do anything about it. It was amazing to not have to deal with writing schedules, constantly checking social media platforms, having to field drama or requests to handle drama, etc. I loved being able to just… exist without worrying about this religious community.

But even as I drifted away from Kemeticism, I found that I was often still going back to it. As I began to study permaculture and learn more about the processes that occur in nature, I found myself comparing them to ma’at, to the NTRW, to Kemeticism. Even if I never wanted to see Kemeticism ever again, I couldn’t seem to break free of it, either. It was built so heavily into my worldview that I had nothing else to put in its place to compare new concepts to.

As I began to play with the idea of writing again, I found myself mulling more and more about how I actually felt under the surface about my religion. I knew that I still liked the religion itself, but that my strongest emotions were towards the gods and the community specifically. In many ways, I was content to keep ma’at and pitch the rest–other Kemetics included.

So when grandma died and everything was thrown onto the floor, I really had to figure out why I should even bother to come back to writing at all. Because of the need to be present and offline while handling all of the aspects of cleaning her house, moving in, caring for grandpa, etc. I really got the chance to 100% forget and remove myself from the trappings that used to be my daily life. My shrine was packed away. All of my books were out of sight, and I went months without checking WP and days without checking Tumblr. I completely and totally fell of the map.

And I liked it.

I’m sure this is leading a few of you to ask yourself “well why are you even here, then, if you liked it so much?” And my answer to you is

 

To some extent I can’t justify entirely walking away from what I’ve helped to build, but on the other hand, I’m not as committed to the sparkle motion as I used to be. Or at least, I’m not as committed to the sparkle motion that the gods seemed to want for this community. Part of why I am here is also spite — spite at the gods for their treatment of myself and others, spite at the people who wish I’d just disappear.

So far, the only thing I can really say with any certainty is that becoming more active on discord is probably the main reason I decided it was worth coming back. Being able to talk with other people was what really sold me on doing this work many years ago, and to some extent, its what’s bringing me back now (and frankly, I’m not the only one.) Time and time again, love it or hate it, its those pesky human interactions that seem to bring a lot of us back.

That and spite.

The more I get to interact with people again, the more I remember that it used to be this way before I lost a lot of my friends, and before I became too ill to really bother with talking to anyone anymore. I have no clue how widely-known it is, but when my health tanked and I suddenly stopped posting or doing anything online… almost no one came to check on me, and I know for a fact that that has weighed heavily on me since 2015. When you’re trying to hard just to scrape by, and no one even seems to notice you’re gone, it makes it hard to convince yourself its worth going back to. I’ve realized since that it’s not necessarily that people don’t care, but it’s that people don’t know what they don’t know. And many of us (myself included) really suck at letting people know that we’re thinking of them, or checking in on people.

As I slowly sifted back through the posts that I forgot I wrote, I began to realize that ultimately, I’m in the same position that I’ve always been in. My love for the gods is about a lukewarm as it’s seemingly always been. It’s the people that have always brought me back around and kept me here.

And I think I’m okay with that.

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5 responses to “Aimless

  1. Aubs Tea

    August 30, 2018 at 3:02 pm

    I’m sorry if I never checked in but uh you know the rest.

    Anyway, I’m tepid at best still. Part of that is work, but then there’s all the shit and I’m like, really? Why am I here…?

     
  2. Celia Witchlight

    August 30, 2018 at 3:06 pm

    Nice post. Similar experience for me… Health issues, away from WP more than a year… And no reaction.
    Still wondering why I bother to come back, but yeah.. .human interactions… lol. Wish you faith and courage.

     
  3. thefisherfool

    August 30, 2018 at 6:54 pm

    I think that’s sort of standard for middle age, too. Not that I know how old any of you ppl are really, but when WP was busier I was sort of able to guess who was a little older than say high school/college. I’m 37 now and really not as passionate about pretty much anything, and that’s not meant to be depressing it’s just a fact and it is ok. I’ve been in fandoms where the fandom itself has pretty much died, but I still “hang out” with the people on Facebook even if we all have sweet fuck-all to actually say to each other beyond a few likes anymore because no one really cares about the fandom. They were good times though and none of us want to walk away from them, and sometimes that’s reason enough. I realized lately that I’m actually in a pretty happy place with my Kemeticism, it’s just not a very active or emotional one, or at all a preeminent feature. Now, talk to me about bagels in the conference room and….no, it’s still a pasted on smile. Just existing is the most satisfying way to be spiteful a lot of times I think. I have no idea what kind of friendships you’se all have other places on the internet, but it’s been neat seeing a few of you guys resurfacing here on WP lately, loaded with content or not.

     
    • DevoTTR

      September 3, 2018 at 1:50 pm

      Yeah, its really interesting how we have all sorta… popped back up all around the same time.

       
  4. Jack Sutter

    October 12, 2018 at 9:56 pm

    Thank you for this. It has a lot of relevance to my own ‘way of life’, though different from yours I had a similar experience. You couldn’t drag me away from my work with it if you tried, I couldn’t seem to drag myself away, but the writing was on the wall. The my great-grandfather died, I left my work (and some of the places I do it) to rot, and felt little else besides relief for a while. I felt… weird about it, guilty even, sometimes, but figured it was just as well. Then, what you describe here…

    “But even as I drifted away from Kemeticism, I found that I was often still going back to it. As I began to study permaculture and learn more about the processes that occur in nature, I found myself comparing them to ma’at, to the NTRW, to Kemeticism. Even if I never wanted to see Kemeticism ever again, I couldn’t seem to break free of it, either. It was built so heavily into my worldview that I had nothing else to put in its place to compare new concepts to.

    As I began to play with the idea of writing again, I found myself mulling more and more about how I actually felt under the surface about my religion.”

    Basically happened with me. I started gravitating towards the work I used to do, whether I “wanted to” or not it ended up happening more and more, and I’m on the brink of hitting some people up I used to engage with on the various aspects and values of our paradigm, but somethings changed. Something that used to be there for me with it… just isn’t there anymore and never will be.

    But I get the feeling that’s a benefit, and exactly what I needed (to shed dead skin, so to speak) to be able to consciously and deliberately re-engage with the paradigm again. What it is isn’t as important, I tend to keep it to myself (especially under this pen name, it tends to confuse people, and when the secular, atheistic component is thrown in the mix people *really* seem to get lost on what it is) but… it’s similar enough to your own religion that i can see clear parallels between your ex[experience and mine, and have gleaned a bit of insight into myself from reading this that I very much appreciate.

    Glad you wrote this, and that you came back to writing.

     

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