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Still Waters Run Deep

25 Jun

Recently I have felt O hanging around me. Unlike Set, Osiris is a lot more subtle in communicating with me. Set is a lot like a dust storm- you can’t avoid it. It’s a gigantic wall of sand and debris that you can’t run away from. Even your shelter might not save you from the brunt of the storm. He is completely in your face. Osiris reminds me of roots. He comes from different angles. You see little messages here and there. And he has no issue with having others send you his messages to get the point across. The more you ignore him, the more the roots will surround you, coming at all these different angles. Eventually, they will be inescapable because you’ll be completely choked by them.

Set is like an alarm clock meets a tv with 24/7 static. Osiris is like soft whispers that slowly make you go mad.

And lately, Osiris has wanted something. I figure it has to do with the work I started for him last year. Much like before, whenever I go to the place where he wants me to be, I see the river. I see myself under the water. Unlike before, I can see the sun shining through the water- but always I return to the water.

There have been people who are willing to do oracles for me, to help me sort out what could be going on. I decided to try it out- just to see what I got back. Today, I got back an oracle from Hekate. It reads:

“You are looking for something that lies on the bottom of a deep well but you shall never reach it if you try to spare yourself from getting wet in Ancestral Waters.”

At first, I was not sure what to make of it. I don’t really fear my ancestors. Truth is, they hold very little interest for me. And to figure out what I’m afraid of (afraid of getting wet with), I would need to decipher what the water represents. So far, I have come up with two potential meanings.

1. My soul-line ancestors. People I was before and the influence those people can have on me now.
2. My waking family. Not ancestors yet, but still from my physical family.

The first aspect is really a fear situation. There is a whole separate part of my life that I no longer live. I closed the door and I don’t want it to be open again. I don’t see any benefit from opening said door again. And as it stands, I will likely be tackling this aspect after I get a better grasp of the family situation.

So about my family.

My family makes me miserable in most cases. My bio-father was never around, and my step-father is no prize either. Most of my family members are problem causers and drama fanatics who love to wreak havoc. They are also the sort of people who say “OMG I love you so much!”, yet they don’t have the time of day for you. They are everything I can’t stand in a person. They also played a role in creating a lot of the issues I have to this day.

You see, when I was living out of the state, it was really easy to ignore my family. They were far away. They couldn’t drive down the street to see me. They didn’t know what hours I was working, they knew very little about what was going on- so it was totally understandable that almost no one in my family called me or spoke to me. But then I had the misfortune of moving back to the desert. Down here, I have almost all of my mother’s side of the family within an hour’s drive. I can go and see three generations of family at any point in time if I want. We’re all here.

And all moving back here did was push in my face how little anyone even noticed I was gone.

I live an hour to an hour and a half from my mother. I work less than ten minutes away from where she works. You know how often I see her? I see her once per month for about 20 minutes when I drop cat food off to her. If I never dropped off the cat food, I’d see her maybe twice per year.

I have two aunts and uncles that live an hour from me. They throw lots of parties for family members- birthdays, mother’s day- that sort of thing. Guess who never makes the invite list (and the one time that I did, I was ignored the whole evening).

I have grandparents (whom I love so dearly) who drive right past my house to go visit my cousin and uncle regularly. They have never been to my house. They never call and say ‘hey, let’s meet up for lunch’. Nothing. I only find out they’ve been up there after the fact.

These are the types of issues that perhaps need to be worked on. The feeling of being unwanted. The feeling of never being worthwhile, or worth anyone’s time. I prospects of being unloved and alone. The constant feeling of being the square peg trying to fit in the round hole.

There is another layer to this as well, though. The layer and question of- do I really want to maintain a relationship with these people who apparently don’t give a crap about me? If they have traits that I can’t stand, and they never bother giving me the time of day- do I really want to try and mend that? I think the answer depends on the person in question. There are some family members that I would LOVE to have a relationship with. And there are some that I really don’t care whether they stick around or not.

If this is the case, why do I care what the latter folks think of me? Why does it matter? What is the deeper problem nagging at me and creating these issues?

I suppose that is the real question.

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3 responses to “Still Waters Run Deep

  1. Seshat Anqet Het Her

    June 26, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Thank you, Devo, for sharing your story and obvious frustration so openly! I can empathize with your feelings, though more so with friends than family, but there was some resentments to work through with my parents. Still working through them.

    What crossed my mind as I read your post is that perhaps what is being asked of you is a process of reconciliation, not with the fallible people you have chosen not to associate with, but with the part of yourself that’s been hurt by their carelessness. Forgiveness is a cliche, all too often, but call it ‘releasing’ if you like.

    You may be preventing access to powerful ancestor energy while there is unresolved angst with your living family. Like it or not, they are connected to you, genetically, emotionally, and spiritually.

    I don’t know if Kemites have a version of this ritual, but in traditions like Santeria, they have a ritual called ‘ancestor elevation’.

    One performs it for ancestors who didn’t die peacefully, lived a wild life,…whatever. It takes 9 days of lighting a white candle and praying for their upliftment. Each day, you raise the candle with a book, symbolically raising the person(s) you’re praying for. You could modify it for your living family.

    I’m also a fan of cord cutting rituals. It’s as simple as taking a length of rope or twine (organic, not plastic) and hovering it over a lit candle until it burns through. You can write out what you want to say aloud in advance. Say how pissed off you are and what you really think of them. It’s simple but extremely cathartic. I’ve had great results doing them over a number of days. Repeat both rituals as often as you like.

    Peace and Blessings,
    Seshat

     
    • von186

      June 26, 2012 at 9:06 am

      I would be interested in trying either rite. Is there any more I would need to know about either? Or should I be able to just sorta… take the idea and run with it?

       
      • Seshat Anqet Het Her

        June 27, 2012 at 7:37 pm

        You could take the ideas and run with it. Magic is like an old recipe, “a hand-full of this and that…”

        However, Laura Patsouris in “Weaving Memory” mentions some commonalities of the ancestor rite are offerings of flowers, a clear glass of water, white candles and specific prayers recited daily over a period of days, in this case, nine nights.

        You can extend the time period if you feel it merits more time and pick a number that’s symbolic to you. Laura mentions a rosary – she’s a Santeria priestess after all. I used an ankh, naturellement 😉

        You can incorporate something that symbolizes your family like a crest, a photo of the Old Country, whatever is meaningful to you. The only thing that comes to mind is that if you want to incorporate your ancestors as well, that you make sure their space is kept separate. Like you would set up your working space next to your akhu shrine/table but not on it. Some people say it’s bad juju to combine the two.

        At the end of the rite, you could symbolically dispose of any remains into a river (flowing away from you)…or down the toilet. Up to you.

        Cord-cuttings are deconstructed – no right or wrong way to do one – so you can do whatever you feel is necessary to feel that it’s working. Hence, why I like repetition and using fire. There’s something about burning things that’s good for the soul!

        Senebty!

         

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