I had another therapy session this past weekend. I feel like things are finally coming into place.
We discussed the source of my anger in this session, along with how my anger influences my speech, which in turn will influence my life. I talked to her about when my anger really started and in some ways how I have yet to completely come to terms with it (though it has gotten better). The lay offs of my past, the money that was lost, the foundations that slipped and the eventual move in to my parents all laid the ground work for my situation now. Of course, what really was the problem was my attitude towards things. As I told her about the trials of this era in my life, she noted that I used a lot of negative words. Words like hate, frustrating, irritating, crap, etc. She told me that these words, and my constant use of these words, creates a never ending problem for me.
She explained it to me that the universe gives us what we think about most. It doesn’t know whether we love or hate these things. It merely gives us more of what we focus on. I consider this to be like poles on a magnet. I don’t know which pole is which, I just know that the magnets attract together. So every time I use words like hate, dislike, frustrating- I bring more hatred, more dislike and more frustration into my life. Of course, I don’t have to verbally say these words to enact that- merely thinking this way causes the attraction. And thus the cycle repeats.
My phrase for this week is:
I am careful with my choice in words because it creates my reality.
This whole concept should really be a no brainer for me. Kemeticism and Shintoism both promote words and the pronunciation of words as being divine. Words are not to be taken lightly, and the words that we use can manifest into our lives (aka heka). So why I haven’t tried to nip this in the bud earlier is beyond me. When I was telling her about how Kemeticism and Shinto both state that words are divine and magical, she looked me in the eye and told me that words have souls. Recently, I remember seeing a question for Tamara on HoN, asking if words or glyphs had netjeri in them. I believe her answer was more or less a ‘yes’. So once again, more reasons to watch my words. Plus, the things that we say on the internet are ever more important- because this is all people have to judge us on. You can’t see me, read my face or my body language. All you have are my words. And my words need to be clear if you are to understand what I’m trying to get across. Words are more important than we give them credit for.
In order to fix this, she asked me to do two things:
- Any time that I have a negative feeling or thought about anyone or anything, I am to write it down into a journal.
- I am to write 10 things every day that I am grateful for.
In order to help repattern my brain, I need to look at all of the negativity I bring to myself daily. I need to examine it and see why I’m thinking this way, and then learn to accept the things I can’t change, or work towards solutions to things that I can. The 10 items of gratefulness are to help bring more positive into my life.
I am also to start looking into how gratefulness plays into Shinto and Kemetic practice. I will evaluate it and see how I can apply it to my life. Much like how I did with unconditional love.
The hypnosis for this week involved looking into my past lives to help figure out why I’m here. She told me that some part of me can’t understand why I’m here. That things are different, or aren’t quite the same as in the past, and I’m having difficulties grasping what it is I am here to do, etc. In the meditation, she had me go into a hall of records. Mine was a round room. Almost like a tall dome. Around the outer walls were tons of files. There were files up to the ceiling. In the center of the room, there was a big round pillar. There is also a circular countertop or table top that runs through the pillar. This table had even more files and books on it. The hypnosis had me go and gather files that I might need. I ran around and grabbed a whole bunch of them from various areas. I then held these to my chest, and a light came forth. I more or less stood there in the light until my brain told me to get up and return to being awake.
I seem to like to spew light from my chest.
I guess these things are supposed to help calm me down on a subconscious level. To help me figure out the missing pieces. I have no clue if it’s done much for me yet. I think she wants me to go back in there to dig for a specific book, though I don’t know that doing so does much. She told me the book that comes to mind for her. I can picture it, but I can’t really open it, or read it’s contents. The room I visited in the hypnosis I have seen and visited before.
So that was my session. I went and bought two books to write my stuff down in. A larger grey book for my anger, and a small little yellow book for my gratefulness. The anger book I may eventually destroy once it is full thereby releasing the anger. Almost like an execration rite. The yellow book I’ll keep, more than likely.