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FK Journal: The Shadow

28 Nov

The article for this post can be found here.

We all have a shadow-self, a part of ourselves that we push away and pretend doesn’t exist. What we put there, of course, depends on the person. To some, anger is something to be ashamed of and placed there. To others, anger is acceptable, but any form of vulnurablity must be squelched. Whatever it is that we perceive of as dangerous goes to the shadow.

I have a shadow. In a previous post, I called it my dark flame inside of my light flame. The stuff which should be let out- but I don’t. Now I’ve found we have a term for this. The shadow.

The goal here isn’t to destroy the shadow. It is a part of us. It also isn’t to ignore the shadow, because it’s there. What needs to happen is integration. Everything the shadow holds can be valuable when used correctly. But when it’s used by our shadow-self, it can’t be used well, because it’s being used as a club to regain safety. Anger, when brought out by a shadow, can only destroy. It can’t see a way through the destruction to a constructive answer.

I’ve done a little bit of work with this in regards to Set. He took me and showed me some traits I wasn’t being completely honest with. My emotions. Anger. Frustration. Things that upset me- I was hiding them. After working with him, after being shown this ‘black hole’ inside of me and exploring it thoroughly, I feel I am better at understanding these emotions, expressing them, and not letting them get the best of me (usually).

But now, I need to work on the opposite spectrum. I need to work on the lighter things. And that is where O comes in. He is helping me to come to terms with my happy side. My lighter attributes. My softer qualities. This is proving to be far more challenging.

Questions:

What is in your shadow? Who are you when you don’t like yourself?

My shadow is full of happy stuff. Being nice. Letting my walls down. Letting people in. Allowing myself to join groups of people, enjoy their company and in return have my company enjoyed. Anything to do with people probably fits into this category. I’ve lived so long on the outskirts of humanity- I don’t really know how to work with people and not let my insecurities get in the way. So I hide my nicer side behind a rougher exterior- because it’s easier that way.

I can’t say that I don’t like these attributes, per say. When I’m in my element and I know I’m in the company of people who I can trust and who don’t treat me like crap, I’m a completely different person. I’m nicer. Softer. More considerate. More breakable. I’m O, not S.

What advantage do you have with keeping these behaviors in the shadow? What would happen if you integrated them?

The advantage is I don’t hurt as much. People make me uncomfortable. Most people treat me like crap. And it’s a lot easier to keep people away for my health. That’s not to say that I’m not trying to let people in- but it’s really hard, because I keep meeting jerks.

If I integrated them, the ‘two halves would become whole’, I imagine. I’d be able to function better in society. I’d be able to make friends, have a social life, etc.

What do you see in other people that makes you react negatively the most? Why? Is it related to your shadow?

People that annoy me the most are those who are wishy-washy. Make a decision and go with it. It is entirely unrelated to my shadow as are most of the traits that annoy me 😛 People who are able to function in society and have friends- I envy them on some levels. But many of them have other traits that I’d rather not have, so it all balances out, as far as I’m concerned.

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Posted by on November 28, 2011 in FK Journal, Flame Keeping

 

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