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The Business of Mourning

25 Sep

It’s commonly regarded that in AE there were professional mourners. Women who cry, scream, pull at their hair, and do all sorts of frenzied things to mourn the deceased. I’m not sure if many people understand why this was done, and for some I think that it’s a bit odd. However, I feel like I could have easily been one of the professional mourners.

I don’t cry. It’s that simple. I hate crying. My mother drilled it into me at a very very young age that crying is bad. “If you cry”, she’d tell me, “people will use it against you to hurt you”. I’ve always been prone to crying because I can’t contain my emotions. But due to her disapproval, I had (and have) always done my best to hide my tears in any situation. However, I make an exception for death.

I feel that it would be very very sad to die and have no one mourn you (save for, maybe, someone who went and murdered tons of people and never did anything good with their life- but that’s a different topic). I mean, how sad to not be missed. It’s a but of a fear I have- living to be old, outliving my s.o. and not having anyone at my funeral. No one to realize I was gone. No one to care that I am no longer here. So even now, when things die I cry. Profusely. And in many ways, I do get beside myself in being upset. This tends to upset people around me, but I can’t really help it. Some part of me just can’t control my need to cry.

I’m sure that my mother would be upset to see me like that, but I don’t see why one should hold back tears. Why should I hide the fact that I cared? Isn’t that a form of dedication in itself? To show that I am willing to look like this because I miss you that much?

Even as I mourn now, I shed my tears and I shed them openly. I am glad to be like the pros of old, to get upset and in a frenzy over your death, because damnit, I do miss you that badly.

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1 Comment

Posted by on September 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

One response to “The Business of Mourning

  1. arienwen

    September 25, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    *hugs*

    When my Gramma died (who was *the* most important person in my life) my mother told me that I wasn’t allowed to cry “in front of other people” because she didn’t want me to upset people, so I totally understand where you are coming from.

    I’m glad that you found a way to let it out.

     

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