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A Good Horse: 6 Months Later

18 Mar

Last year I had asked all of my readers to consider what they would do when a god pushes too far. To consider how they would react if the relationships they had with one or more of their deities suddenly fell apart and exploded all around them. How would they rebuild? How would they proceed with their religious endeavors?

It’s not an easy thing to answer. With something like a house, its very straight forward. You clear away the rubble and you rebuild your foundations. In short, you start from scratch. But with a relationship, especially a relationship with a non-physical entity, its not so clear cut. How do you start from scratch with a god? How to you rebuild the trust that was lost? How do you overcome the anger and hurt that you feel so that you can even look at one another again without scowling?

How do we take a relationship that has gone bad and get it back into neutral territory?

Marseille, statue, cheval, stone horse by Jeanne Menj via Flickr

Last year I got to experience first hand what happens when a long term relationship falls apart. I got to be on the receiving end of a deity that went too far and we both got to experience the results of what happens when I’m pushed to my limits. Last year, I got to experience what it was like to essentially be broken. At the time that it was happening, I knew that there was a reason for it. I knew that I needed to go through this first hand so that I could report back to everyone else and teach them how to do it better than I did. I knew that this was all part of a bigger picture plan that Set was concocting and that his words were both laced with truth and falsity all at once. And above all, I knew that there was no stopping it.

I knelt down on the ground and listened to him tell me that I was good at destroying things. I felt the lump in my throat as he told me that the community wasn’t everything that I needed to be doing. I felt that lump sink to my chest in the fall when Osiris told me that he was the other side to Set’s coin, and that their work for me would be in tandem. And then the lump fell into my stomach when fall shifted to winter and I realized that both of them were right in their own ways.

This is a 6 month check in on how I coped with my falling out with Set. This is also a story on how I have attempted to rebuild the foundations of my relationship with Set and Osiris.

_____________________

After Set and I had our initial blow up, things were incredibly tense. The next few weeks were filled with short and snippy conversations. A few weeks after that, those short conversations shifted into yelling matches. And within a month or so, we were almost not talking at all. By the time that I had released my Good Horse post, we were pretty much not speaking unless we had to. Any time I’d show up to work with Set, he’d stand there and stay silent. He figured that opening his mouth meant that he could insert his foot, and so in his eyes, silence trumped speaking.

Truth be told, this was probably for the best. As soon as Set realized he had done some major damage, he stepped back and gave me space. He got mildly better at not reacting if I yelled at him. Instead he’d stand there quietly and keep his comments to himself. I was given space because more pressure on his end would have only made it worse.

So when a god fails you, I would say that the best first step is some breathing room. You and the deity need some space to get your thoughts together. How long this period needs to be will vary. I didn’t start talking to Set again until after I got back from the Duat. That is about 2 months of yelling and barely talking, and nearly 3 or 4 months of not speaking at all.

About the same time that Set completely backed off from me, I noticed that Wpwt stepped forward. I can’t tell if Wpwt has long term aims for me or not, but I certainly know that his sudden appearance was not coincidental. I joke about how Set must have cornered him in a bar and cried on Wpwt’s shoulder about how badly he had screwed up, and how he then begged Wpwt to do something to fix it, and for all I know the joke is accurate.

Either way, Wpwt came forward and began to talk with me about the situation I found myself in. For the record, Wpwt is much smoother with his words than Set is. He offered me perspective about not only my situation, but the situation that Set was in. He highlighted the difficulties that the whole pantheon faces in this day and age, and he gave me other ways to look at things.

In other words, he initiated the process of my shifting of attitude towards Set. Had Wpwt not talked with me, I don’t know how long it would have taken me to realize these things. Even now, I am grateful for his assistance with the whole situation.

So the second step in repairing a messed up devotee/deity relationship is to gain perspective. This can be through other deities or other practitioners. Wpwt talked to me about how Set’s hands are bound in a lot of ways by the upper echelons of the pantheon. He talked to me about how things are not as smoothly running as we’d like to believe. He knocked some sense into my head so that I could, at the very least, start being in the same room with Set without throwing things at him.

He began the process of healing for the whole situation.

By this point, Osiris had taken center stage and I was preparing to fall into the Duat. Due to the circumstances I was in, I wouldn’t see Set at all until I came out the other side, and by the time the “other side” came, I found that I was angry with both deities, and that I’d need to work on figuring out what to do with both of my relationships.

But why was I so angry? That’s probably the question on everyone’s mind. I’ve been dancing around just what Set asked me last year, and what Osiris told me he had in mind for my future with him because I’ve not been sure how everyone would respond to it. But it’s really hard to follow the whole story without having the actual whole story to go off of.

The long and short of what Set and Osiris have asked of me is this:

Set would like to use my abilities as someone who can kill and destroy over in the Unseen. According to him, he is bound by paperwork and red tape, and that there are some places, realms, and people he can’t get to because of it. I would be someone he would send to a location behind the scenes. I’d go in, handle the person, and leave. The downside to this is that it creates a huge target on your back and can create a lot of problems if you realm-jump regularly. Nothing like landing in a realm only to be thrown in jail because you killed someone important. Plus, it creates a lot of mental stress for me, and I’d be neck deep in death, which I don’t like.

Osiris wants me to heal and work with dead people. He says the Duat needs healing, that the land itself needs repair. And that dead spirits need care too. He would like to see me develop these skills both here and in the Unseen.

Both are interested in my community work, but that’s more Set’s bent.

Both deity’s requests center around my ability to tinker in someone’s core. To heal someone effectively, you need to go to their source, their core. To kill someone totally, you need to destroy their source, their core. Both the life and death aspect of things are tied together through one common skillset. Both Set and Osiris are tied together in this, and they know it.

For them, these tasks are not a “you pick one or the other”. It’s more a case of “you get both of us together and you will deal with it.” These two are tied together through a death, and I think in a grand scheme kind of way, it makes sense.

Well great. I understand their link, but both of these aspects still leave me in situations I don’t want to be in. They both leave me dealing with death on a regular basis.

However, more and more I question my ability to escape some of the aspects that I dislike about my astral life. The notion of somehow falling off of the radar to live a quiet life is unlikely for a variety of reasons. At least if I had a god’s backing, it may give me some political bargaining power in at least a few realms.

After my time in the Duat was done, Osiris sent me home to rest. I didn’t leave my bedroom for probably a month while I waited for my body to heal up. During that time, I had a lot of hours to kill, and I killed them mulling the situation I was in. I weighed the pros and the cons, I concocted ways to get out of things, to circumvent things, to find a way to spin this more in my favor.

I started by leveling with them. I talked with them about what I truly needed to make this work. I asked them to give me answers about specific questions (such as: how are you going to keep me from losing my mind from all of this? How will we handle my stress from all of this? What will you do when my anxiety starts to kill me?). I am currently waiting on their responses to these questions. I began to ask better questions about what they are planning. I began to work on handling my anxiety in the Seen so that I could at least consider their proposals, which I still don’t have in a final format.

All of these emotions and anger and frustration and I’m right where they wanted me to begin with. I’m sitting down at the bargaining table, trying to at least get an in-depth understanding of what they want from me.

And that is where I am at six months later. I am still a little bitter and frustrated at them, but no longer seething with anger or rage. I’m beginning to understand that the Unseen is filled with tricksters and tinkerers, and that the gods are no exception. No one is immune to it. And so I’m trying to figure out how to make this work in my favor because I currently can’t figure out a way to get out of it entirely. It will probably still be another year before I make any decisions, but at least I can gather my information now and move forward slowly.

Although the fact that I am considering their offers really makes me wonder if I was actually broken in as a horse would be. Does this mean that they won? Is that even the correct way to look at it? I’m not sure.

_____________________

I get that this post is long, so I’m going to sum up the short version here:

When a god dicks you over, I consider doing the following:

  • Give each other space. This includes from the deity’s side. Ask them to give you time to process things.
  • Get perspective if you can. Whether from other Unseen entities/gods or from devotees or other people you know. Weigh the perspectives to see what you want to do moving forward.
  • Take things slowly. Don’t let anyone bully you into moving quicker than you are comfortable with.
  • If it appears that the relationship is too far destroyed, look into getting some godly back-up and assistance in severing the connection with that god.
  • If the relationship can be salvaged, I recommend talking it out with the god. Being honest and frank with one another with where you are at. This may take months to accomplish, so take your time. Not everything needs to be addressed in one conversation.

As for my own deity relationships:

I was pissed at Set and Osiris for throwing me into things I question if I can handle. However, recent events have made me seriously consider what they have in the future for me, and I am currently working on a number of things to see if its something I can hack. Our bargaining is on-going, and I wouldn’t expect anything final for a number of months.

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10 responses to “A Good Horse: 6 Months Later

  1. shezep

    March 18, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    There was a long time when I was having trouble with Ra. He screwed up my energy massively to the point where I wanted to die. I was terrified of him. I was rightfully angry with him. I tried not to speak to him. We’re talking a few years here. Finally Djehuty was all “You have to forgive him.” I wasn’t sure that I could. He has since worked very hard to help me heal, though it does not escape my notice that he caused a lot of the damage. I concede that it may have been necessary, but while I forgive, I don’t forget. I think maybe he could have handled it better. Or maybe there just is no way to fry the crap out of someone and not have them hold it against you.

     
  2. cleargreenwater

    March 18, 2014 at 8:05 pm

    I think Osiris has been mobilizing to the effect of what he’s asked of you to a few other people lately, or the seeds of similar work at least. I’m not good with Unseen stuff, though, so I have nothing to add to the relationship part and I have a very long way to go both personally and knowledge-wise before I’m in any position to either accept or decline. I need to heal myself of a decades long chronic-counseling-level death anxiety/mortality fixation first , if it is even possible for me to and ever am capable of functioning around it, and also you know, learn academic shit, before I can do anything. I just think it’s really interesting that I really hadn’t had anything to do with Osiris pretty much ever– 5 years ago when I returned to pagan faith as a legitimate religion after a bad time I put it all out there to Nebt-het and more or less pitched a fangirl tent on her train–but then suddenly this summer she got really impatient & cross at me inexplicably. TL;DR, about this time Osiris peeked in, pointed me to tend a tree and caused me to take possession of a small decorative bowl for him from the fleamarket. Had it for a few months, flash forward, decided to inaugurate it during the Mysteries this fall, first ever formal worship of Wesir. Poured a water offering into it….and what, it was all gone the next day with not a drop on the counter. The bowl drinks. Logical reasons for it yes, but still–I can give water to Osiris for people’s beloved dead and the water really disappears and goes somewhere invisible. And my mother at least has been getting visited in dreams since I started offering to the dead. Now Wesir’s slow move/assignment is gardening for them and playing up his safe side, all very subtle. Its just really interesting that he seems to be lining people up, or building reserves since probably he’s going to loose a few prospects, like me probably, along his way. But…total understanding for being undecided. Really honestly I am remorselessly brutal with myself when it comes to belief; I don’t engage with the Unseen much and nothing has ever consoled me against mortality. I don’t know if anything ever will or that I’m capable of actual faith, is mastering that even possible, blahblahblah….we all have our own unique shit that makes it a difficult decision. Maybe he isn’t even asking anything of me at all, IDK, I don’t have a godphone only impressions of deities and don’t do astral or any “woo” work at all, especially at this budding Kemetic point. I really feel you in this situation, though, to a lesser and different, but similar, extent.

    Anyway, sorry for how long & disjointed this is, I’m a little wine happy. Thank you for letting people talk to themselves in your blog, I’ve tried blogging for myself and it’s easier just to comment on other people’s deep thoughts.

     
    • von186

      March 18, 2014 at 8:20 pm

      See, to me, that is work :> that’s helping him, helping dead peeps who need the water. It sounds very peaceful and nice. I’ve found over the years that Osiris can be really really subtle. He usually is very good about taking his time and helping people where they need it most. He is kinda like roots of a tree. They get where they need to be in their own time, and you don’t even realize it usually. Although in this case, it was a matter of time before I got frustrated at him. There is no real easy way to break this crap to someone, so I can’t really fault him for that.
      So yeah, I mean, sounds like you’re doing just fine. Osiris has been good with helping me heal from past trauma, so hopefully he’ll be able to help you, too :3

       
      • cleargreenwater

        March 18, 2014 at 8:28 pm

        I’m sorry I wine posted your blog :(

         
      • von186

        March 18, 2014 at 8:29 pm

        Naw, don’t be sorry. I liked your comment <3

         
    • redvultureblacksaffron

      March 19, 2014 at 2:05 am

      This is actually quite eerie to me given the crazy Osiris dream I had last week, or rather specifically the Djed pillar dream. Now I’m starting to wonder if this is a trend.

       
      • cleargreenwater

        March 19, 2014 at 5:55 pm

        omg! It would be …the Army of the Living Djed! :> *shot* :p

         
      • redvultureblacksaffron

        March 19, 2014 at 7:57 pm

        lol that cheered me right up :P

         
  3. TurningTides

    March 18, 2014 at 10:20 pm

    Thank you for writing this. I am in a different tradition learning to walk it, but I do appreciate what you’ve written. I know that, from a Catholic background, we’re already taught to simply accept “God works in mysterious ways”, and therefore shouldn’t think too hard about what’s happening. I think that being able to sit at the bargaining table like you’re doing is so anathema in the Christian tradition (I don’t know about Islam and Judaism, so I don’t include them), that being ok with being UPSET at the Gods is still brand new territory.

    This also helps me remember that we shouldn’t ever take the Gods for granted. Not that we’re trying to use Them, but that by stepping onto a polytheistic/pagan path, we’re in fact taking our lives into our own hands. At least, that’s what it feels like compared to the relative complacency of ‘being saved’.

    Blessings on your path, and thank you, for making the space to have this discussion!

     
    • von186

      March 19, 2014 at 4:33 pm

      I’m glad that it’s been helpful. It was my hope that writing about all of this would be able to help others somehow.

       

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