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Before and After: A Comparison on Being God Bothered

14 Mar

I originally wrote this for the Gods’ Mouths Project. I’m not sure if this project is still running, but I felt that this post could still be useful for my readers.

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Once upon a time I was not god bothered. My god phone was, for all intents and purposes, shut off. There was a time when I only checked in with my trapped astral self once every few weeks or so.

There was a time when I wasn’t living all these lives at once. There was a time when I was more “normal”.

That time is gone.

Back before this roller coaster started, my day started like most- the alarm clock would go off at 6. I’d hit snooze until about 6:30 when my partner and I would finally get up and rush to get ready to head off to work. We’d spend all day at work, doing our thing. Same ol’ same ol’. And then we’d go home and eat dinner and spend the rest of the night talking, surfing the internet or playing video games. On more special days, we’d go out and do stuff. It was the typical life and my religious life didn’t really factor into anything- it was more or less non-existent.

But then my brain broke open and things changed.

Telephone Keypad by Chris Campbell via Flickr

Now, my day is supposed to start at 7, but it usually starts before that. You see, my partner gets up at 5:30 and in the midst of being half awake and half asleep, I end up sometimes astral tripping for a while. I get caught up in conversations with my astral partners, or I find myself sitting at some table talking to someone I don’t even know (I wander while I’m asleep sometimes). Sometimes I wake up tied to a chair. Other times I wake up with my family in bed.

But it almost always happens before the alarm clock goes off. It’s just an ideal mindset for traveling- half awake and half asleep. I often accidentally fall into it,and end up staying there instead of falling back asleep.

For the good days, I will drag myself out of bed at 7. For the bad days, it can be closer to 7:30. I am constantly fatigued and tired, so its a chore to get out of bed. Once I’m up, I head to my computer and turn it on. As a means of being more attentive with my shrine, my kar shrine now lives on my desk, and when I sit down at the computer in the morning, I open it up as a way to bring the gods more into my day to day stuff.

And the fun begins.

I try to leave before 8:30. I will spend this hour to an hour and a half trying to check all of my feed on Tumblr and other forums. In between this, I will try to eat, pack a lunch, and check in with any astral crap that may have happened over night. Sometimes it’s a quick check and I manage to get everything done. Many days I forgo eating for getting the other “more important” things done.

I walk to work. Usually while walking I get sucked out into dancing with one of my astral companions. It’s something I can’t help. If the song has a beat, I inevitably end up on a dance floor with him. Once I get to work, I will spend my day trying to stay on task. But in btwn projects I will work on WP posts, astral and dream logs (which can run into the 10K word count range) and keep an eye on all of the social media I participate in – just in case anything important is going on there. Plus, if there are any astral pictures I need to jot down for my logs, that has to be done before I leave work- as my computer at home can’t hack it.

Sometimes its a quiet day and I’m able to focus more on my job and more on my work. Other days shit hits fan on the Otherside. Gods get in my ears and tell me that X needs to be done now. Or the writing bug will show up and I end up typing into WP for a few hours because the perfect string of words happened into my head.

Sometimes I feel cut off from things and I’ll stare at an open Photoshop canvas for hours waiting for something to inspire me. Sometimes I’ll do the same with my WP editor. It really depends.

This whole broke open head thing – it’s fickle. You can never tell whether its going to be a “I can’t hear myself think” or a “I can hear crickets in my head” day.

Once my 8 hours of servitude are up, I walk home, doing the same thing that I did on the way to work- dancing and astral stuff. I go home and work on getting something in my stomach. I maintain my house chores as a means to keep my sanity. And then I sit right back down to the computer and continue to read and write and discuss until I can’t keep my eyes open longer. On busy nights, I go between this and laying down and astral tripping for a while- because the astral is a honey badger, and sometimes I need to lay down and focus on what I’m doing, lest I screw up.

And once I decide I need to sleep, I lay down and sometimes I pass right out. Other times I end up at the River with Osiris, or sitting across from Set’s desk for more work. Or I will get into a conversation with one of my partners and end up staying awake for another hour or two to handle those sorts of things. It’s just how it goes. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and end up staying awake for the same reasons.

I’m sure to the outside viewer this doesn’t seem like much. I’m not spending a lot of time in front of a shrine, but I am doing devotional work. Maintaining a regular blog takes time, and writing these posts can take days for me. I have a list of ideas that I keep with me at all times- so that I can add to it if something strikes me. Even when I decide to ‘take a break’ and watch a movie or some tv- I end up focusing right back on my Kemetic practice.

Indirectly, everything comes back to Kemeticism. And when I stop paying attention to my practice- to my community, to be more specific, the gods show back up to remind me where my place is.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized how much of a toll this type of life takes on you and your relations. I live my life to do this. That means my time is very limited to do anything else. My focus can wander away for a little while, but it will always end right back up onto this path. It makes it hard for me to sit down and enjoy anything for long, because I get itchy hands and an itchy brain. It always comes back to this work.

It effects my relations because sometimes there just isn’t enough of me to go around. My physical partner understands that I have an astral life to maintain as well as a community to work on. My astral partners get that I have a life here and a 40 hour job I need to keep up with. In the end, being with me means that you’ve got to make sacrifices. Even my job can suffer when I’ve had to stay up all night handling business, or someone decides they need my attention while working on a project with a tight deadline.

In order to survive with the hole in my head, I’ve had to learn a lot about prioritizing and cutting away stuff I don’t need. I don’t go out much, because it eats up spoons. If it eats up spoons, I can’t get my astral work done or write about things. I’ve had to learn how to balance multiple relationships across multiple planes. I’ve had to figure out how to balance my family life there and spending time with my partner here. It’s been a huge lesson in give and take, and its a lesson that I’ve failed many many times, and will likely fail many times again before this is all said and done.

Above all, I think that becoming someone who is ‘god-bothered’ has taught me about juggling and prioritizing. Once your head has been broken open, there is no way to go back. Once the gods have decided that they want to stick their fingers in your proverbial pie, there is no way to go back to the way it was before. For me, the longer I’ve worked with Unseen entities, the more entities I’ve collected, and the more impact they’ve had on how I live and how I operate on a day to day basis. Because of this, I’ve really had to figure out what is most important for me and how to work within the parameters that they make for me. It’s not been easy, but it certainly has taught me a lot about my limits and what I’m capable of.

I may never be able to go back to the way life was before, but I can certainly learn to make the most out of what I have going now.

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24 responses to “Before and After: A Comparison on Being God Bothered

  1. rattataratti

    March 14, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    The more important question is: would you rather go back to the life you lead before?

     
    • von186

      March 14, 2014 at 4:29 pm

      In some respects, the answer may be yes. In other respects it is definitely no. I wouldn’t trade my astral family for nothing. The religion stuff? I don’t know.
      I know that dropping it now would be a bad idea, though :P

       
      • rattataratti

        March 14, 2014 at 5:06 pm

        I’ve found that astral family bonds can be stronger than blood bonds. It’s beautiful.
        Religion here can lead to a long life of new family on the Otherside. It’s often a stepping stone to a higher place astrally. You know?

         
  2. Elisa

    March 14, 2014 at 4:28 pm

    Grounding means many things, one of them being, only doing what I choose to do, when I choose to do it.

     
    • von186

      March 14, 2014 at 4:30 pm

      I don’t know if I always have that option :P I don’t know if grounding is the point behind all of this, either.

       
      • Elisa

        March 14, 2014 at 4:31 pm

        You do. It is up to you to understand it and to choose.

         
      • von186

        March 14, 2014 at 4:34 pm

        I don’t really subscribe to the “everything is a choice” methodology. Yes, on a base level, 99% of what we do is our “choice”. But I don’t really know if I’m okay with saying that I always have a choice when I’m talking foot or kneecap territory. Picking the less worse of two evils isn’t really choice as far as I’m concerned.
        if it works for you, cool, but I don’t really think its applicable to my situation.

         
      • Elisa

        March 14, 2014 at 4:40 pm

        I’ve been there. I’ve done that. I KNOW that you do. I do not need you to come into agreement with me. I just wanted you to know that you do have an option to better manage. Also, when learning, it is good to understand binary thinking. I thank you for your sharing. I like discussing. I like sharing my experience, strength and hope. If that sharing provides for the spread of growth of the individual and good energy, that makes it even more excellent. I wish you well.

         
      • Elisa

        March 14, 2014 at 4:33 pm

        ooo tip, other tip
        grounding BEFORE anything is suggested
        I am so very confused by anyone who teaches, provokes, or prods otherwise.

         
      • von186

        March 14, 2014 at 4:35 pm

        I guess I’m confused about why you’re even bringing up grounding? What relevance does it have here?

         
      • Elisa

        March 14, 2014 at 4:43 pm

        For me, and for those who came before me, once I understood and felt grounding, the question of relevance was answered by the action.

         
  3. shezep

    March 14, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    There is just one thing here that really stuck in my mind, and perhaps you could clarify it for me.

    Set has a desk? Does he put his feet up on it and shoot rubber bands around the room? My mind is blown. Yes, I know you can do interesting things with a desk and maybe it shouldn’t be all that surprising. I’ve seen Ra’s desk. I’ve even seen the Archangel Michael’s desk. (He promptly escorted me out.) I suppose one of the Heru’s probably has a desk somewhere too, but Set…huh.

     
    • von186

      March 14, 2014 at 6:06 pm

      Yeah, I was surprised, too. It reminded me of a previous lifetime when I had a desk, and it was always coated in about 2 feet of papers.
      But yeah, its a desk, and its in this tiny ass room and there are papers and files and other random shit everywhere. It’s really really weird to see XDD

       
      • shezep

        March 14, 2014 at 6:35 pm

        Reminds me of Wakinyan’s house. There are papers and other stuff spread all over the place. I don’t even know what a thunder being needs papers for.

         
      • von186

        March 14, 2014 at 6:53 pm

        I would love to know what the building is that this office is in. I mean, it seems ilke it could be police related, or government related… but I have no clue. There is a bloke at the door that I have to get permission from to get in. He gets irritated with me quickly. Must be my Setian ties or something pissing him off XD

         
  4. Sharon

    March 16, 2014 at 9:31 am

    Let’s say you get a message from “the other side” while in a business meeting. Are you able to continue focusing on the meeting? Will you recall the discussion afterwards? Will your boss be able to tell something is going on?

     
    • von186

      March 16, 2014 at 10:57 am

      It depends. More and more, I’m trying not to do astral work while at my day job because it doesn’t tend to go over well XDD Usually, if I’m trying to multi-task, I’ll either get more of one than the other. So if I’m focusing more on astral, I’m less likely to be paying attn to waht is going on here and vice versa. So it’s very possible that I’ll miss whatever the entity is trying to tell me if I’m still trying to focus on te meeting.
      Anyone else in the meeting would likely think I was just dozing off or spacing out. That’s normally how I appear when I’m astral tripping- like I’m just sorta staring at nothing or off in la la land.

       
  5. autumnsilvermoon

    March 18, 2014 at 9:56 am

    Huh, gods with desks. Somehow it makes sense. (Shrugs) oh well. I tried something new last night. I wrote down a description of a room that I wanted to meet the goddess/kami, the one who helped last November, in and I think it worked. I don’t remember the meeting, but I woke up saying her name. Turns out that Amaterasu was the one who helped me. Now I just need to remember my dreams, so that I can figure out what she’s trying to teach me.

     
    • von186

      March 18, 2014 at 11:56 am

      May just take some time. I still don’t remember everything (most) of what I dream. It can be frustrating, but I have found that subconsciously, somewhere, my brain already knows what I need to do and it works out somehow.

       
      • autumnsilvermoon

        March 19, 2014 at 3:48 am

        My shrine is facing west. I don’t have a kamidana or an ofuda, so that ok? Do I need to redo it?

         
      • von186

        March 19, 2014 at 4:33 pm

        umm… as far as I know, you should be fine. Kamidana is really only important if you’ve got the ofuda.

         
      • autumnsilvermoon

        March 19, 2014 at 5:39 pm

        That’s good. I thought I was doing something wrong.

         

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